update

This blog will soon become more than you ever expected.... just a lot less tits & ass.... this is really about to be life, lessons I learned, the people who hurt me, and everything I plan to become.

2023 has not been easy

As many may know the end of 2022 was difficult, my mom injured her back so I had to take over a lot for her and to help her, including everything she does for her sister, my aunt, with severe vascular dementia and only 50% of her body being functional (her entire left side is paralyzed from a stroke so she's wheelchair bound). I had hoped 2023 would have gotten easier once she recovered but honestly it got worse. My mom is back on her feet but has not been 100% better, and may not get back to 100%. 

Throughout 2022 my migraines increasingly got worse to the point by 2023 I was having them daily, nonstop. Like one very long excruciating headache for weeks to months. Sleeping and eating was challenging. The pain made it almost impossible to focus or recall anything recent even minutes after the fact.

If that didn't seem hard enough life threw me a several curve balls, my other aunt and sister got covid. While I was not directly in physical contact with them I was still aiding them during their recovery period... while helping my mom and aunt with dementia. I had gotten sick, myself at some point but thankfully after a few weeks it passed. It wasn't covid or anything like that. My immune system just goes to shit when I'm overworked or over stressed.

Still don't think that's hard enough? Life said no. I usually helped my dad some throughout the week with some of his work stuff because he wasn't feeling too great, he thought it was just him getting older. But unfortunately he started to get worse. By this point I had filmed a few videos but came to a complete stop as my time and ability to film declined.

In March, my dad started to lose his voice, he was struggling to speak, more tired than usual. He thought it was bad allergies. Saw a few doctors, got different meds but no real change. Eventually in April he was ordered a chest CT and ultrasound. It was actually the friday on my sisters birthday weekend he received a call that the doctor urgently wanted him to come in. 

The CT revealed several tumors throughout his lungs, well over a dozen, maybe even over 20. All varying in sizes. Most small but several large ones. This lead to more doctors and more scans. Finally he had a biopsy done on the largest tumor. And with that he received his diagnosis of stage 4 lung cancer. End stage. We went to an oncologist and was told that without chemo he most likely would not make it another 4-6 months. 

After a lot of discussions, planning for the worst, and numerous visits to many doctors, at the end of May he started his first round of chemo. To keep it short I can only say chemo has not been easy on him. It has been torture. Slow drawn out painful and sickening torture. At the time of writing this he has done his second round of chemo, it doesn't seem to get easier for him. A week from now he will get a follow up CT scan to see if the chemo is making a difference.

If the chemo has yet to make a difference he may stop the treatment because of how hard it is on him. And this man is tough, he handles pain like a champ, but even this is defeating him. I've never seen him so defeated. I've seen him go through knee surgeries, hip replacement, a metal cage put in his back, and so much more as if it's a walk in the park for him. But not this. This is beyond his limits.

During this my uncle is also having health troubles of his own. I've been dividing my time up between 5 different family members, caring and working for them as best as I can. There are only two of us who are the "children" in the family here to care for them. But my sister has a family and a home to care for so she works 5 days a week like 8 to 5 I think so she's only available on the weekends to help, which is understandable, she has to do what she can to take care of herself and family. 

This has left me to handle everything. Meaning i have given up working. I have not been making content or working on my photography. I have zero income coming in to aid me. Right now my job is caring for the family. I get paid just enough to cover my car note but the rest I have to make up with odd jobs for others. It's been exhausting. I don't even have time to promote my existing content. I hardly have time to respond to any messages. Hell I'm lucky if I can take care of my daily needs AND get enough sleep before getting up to take care of everyone.

I have been lucky enough to find myself a doctor who accepts uninsured patients through a charity program with many specialists and services to finally get help with my migraines. Thankfully my MRI came back normal, so nothing to worry there. I have started a monthly injection which I believe is making a difference and should be a drastic change from what I was dealing with in a few months.

This month I also got back on the depo shot so hopefully for a while I'll have some relief from my endometriosis until I can afford a hysterectomy. (But that eliminates the option for any shark week content now.)... physically I am improving but mentally I'm still deteriorating. 

I realize that moving in with family AND caring for the family allows me zero time and peace for myself. My healing journey from the PTSD and DV has come to a halt being here, I'm still battling so much with it. I still have nightmares and flashbacks of the trauma I suffered from my abusive ex. I am just as scare and paranoid as I have always been. It's hard to move on or try to forget such a horrific time in my life. Being here just doesn't help, there's too much that triggers my PTSD, I am no longer able to make progress. I found some places nearby (I still need to be within the city to care for my family so unfortunately I can not leave yet) I want to move into but it's nearly impossible when I have no time to make content, nor does my existing content make enough for me to live off of. For weeks I don't get any cashouts and when I do it's the minimum. Never enough to cover bills. My credit cards look horrible from my emergency costs or paying bills with them. My goal is to somehow save enough for a few months rent to get a place so when I am home or have breaks from caretaking I can focus on my work. If I live alone I know I can turn almost anything into content with the right effort. It can be a while til that happens. But I still believe it can happen soon.

With this blog all I am asking for your support and patience during this treacherous time for me. I feel so alone. I have really only one friend who helps me regularly to help keep me afloat but with how everything is right now, it sometimes isn't enough and that's not something either of us can help. I'm steadily and slowly sinking.

All I can hope for is chemo to help my dad recover and go into remission. There has been talks of me helping him with work if he does go back to work but it won't be much money for me if I do get hired on since I can't provide the physical and experienced labor that is required for the job. I am looking into government programs that pay caregivers but the process is taking so much longer than expected.

As I write this throughout the day I'm also being reminded of the more minor troubles we have to deal with, from car issues to technology breaking to increasing bills and even animal problems. It just seems to get a bit worse, especially with hurricane season starting. Power outages, flooding, fallen branches, and just everything going on. It's been a constant struggle with anything and everything for months. I can't catch a break and all I want to do is get back to work because at least then I was mentally doing better having something I enjoyed to focus on and provide finances for me. 

Maybe by the time I update my blog I will have a place of my own to work and relax in, it seems like a far stretch but I know it is possible, I just have to somehow keep pushing and working towards it. 

Thank you for taking the time to read this if you did. I love and miss everyone of you so much I can't even begin to explain. My work and fans are my life so without them I feel like I don't even exist anymore.

Kiss kiss meow,

Kitty 💕 

Phases

 Making friends while having CPTSD is torture. I say friends because honestly I'm not ready, interested, or seeking any kind of emotional or physical relationship. I do wish to make friends, meet more people, live a relatively normal life. It's not easy. I actually hate the initial beginnings. My brain is so programmed to be used to specific outcomes that I'm unable to just let things happen. Instead I get caught up in my head. 

 I go through a range of emotions. At first nerves, of course. Meeting anyone even for a moment unnerves me. Even if I'm just placing an order or talking to a stranger in the store. That common social anxiety is there. For me it has been and will always be there since childhood. Nothing abnormal. But the first phase isn't the issue. Phase one I can easily work past. It's the phases that follow that are the issue.

 Phase 2, worry or concern. Usually worried they will think I'm weird or they hate me. Look at just the surface of me, not knowing who I am, just assuming with what little they know or see. Sometimes I feel like people look down on me in shame or even pity. Even when they don't know my past. When they know my past phase 2 feels more intense. Like I'm always being judged. Labeled the stupid weak girl who would let a man treat her like a rag doll, over and over. It's embarrassing, humiliating to listen to my head tell me these things. 

 Phase 3, more worries and concerns, of course. They just take a different route. Instead of worrying about what they think of me I start to worry about what if they want something from me. Something more than a friendship. I'm an adult, adults like to have sex right? I feel like that's what would be normal, but I don't feel that way. It takes me a lot for casual touching like handshakes and hugs. I would sometimes rather be drenched in acid than to be touched in any way. I just can't do the physical stuff yet. I thought I was ready, but a hook up in spring proved otherwise so I KNOW I am far from ready.

 Phase 3.5, it goes a step up than phase 3. Instead of being concerned that everyone wants to screw me, I start to worry if people will fall for me or think they are in love with me. Even those who know everything and accept whatever pace I heal at, I just sometimes start to feel like a couple of people feel entitled to be the person I end up in a relationship with when I'm ready. Even though they know I'm not looking or interested. 

 Phase 4, fear. My brain, body, and soul start cowering. There is no fight response, just straight up run. It's like all the hair standing up, heart races, paranoia overcomes me in many ways, my chest tightens. Something in me just tells me history will repeat itself. Everyone wants to use me, everyone wants to abuse me. This is all a set up to hurt me. No one cares as long as I benefit them, and if I don't benefit them they chew me up only to spit me out blaming me for it all. 

 Phase 5, detach. Once I've reached the 5th phase it's like everything shuts down. All emotions get numbed out. I just step back mentally and physically. Emotionally I become cold. All that exists is to play nice and get away. Cut ties, make some distance, let any positivity or negativity dissipate before it reaches me. All I know to do is to protect myself at all cost and usually detaching always takes place.

 Phase 6, breakdown. If I've made it to this phase then it must be really serious at that point. Breakdown will be inevitable. All negative emotions from the previous phases hit me like a freight train, all emotions amplified. It's like I'm suffocating in my own skin just wanting everything to stop. Everything feels hopeless, lost, pointless, empty, worthless. I become engulfed in this cloud of darkness. Choking on air, words, tears, and emotions. At that point it feels impossible to continue. All I think about is just laying down and letting the weight crush me.

 Then eventually... RESET. I recover, craving to be healed even more. I get back up and put the pieces together. Even if they don't fit I make them, until I feel close to whole again. Once I level back out again everything seems so easy and possible. Little by little I heal and grow stronger.

 But, there will always be something that initiates the phases. It's to be expected, completely understandable given the circumstances of my CPTSD and the continuation of the trauma. Years of repeated abuse doesn't just heal up like an average wound. I just hope one day I stop and take a moment to realize it's been ages since I've slipped into any of the phases.

Kiss kiss meow,

Kitty <3

28 Months (Trigger Warning)

It's been 28 months... 28 months since I left. 28 months since I signed that Protection From Abuse request. 28 months since I thought it would all finally stop. I can't tell if 28 months feels like the abuse was just yesterday or if 28 months feels like a long drawn out hell of stalking and harassment.

28 months is nowhere near enough time to heal. To recover from the inferno I once lived in for many many years. 28 months feels like seconds compared to the days and weeks of physical pain during the many healing processes from multiple occasions of abuse.

But then again, 28 months being attacked, doxxed, bullied, stalked, and harassed feels like eternity. The constant nagging feeling that I will never be free from the abuse until one of us is dead. But even then, I believe death would not be enough. He seems like the type to dig up my corpse to call his forever. Or worse, if he died, his spirit will haunt me for the rest of my life.

No matter how long 28 months feels, it can not explain everything I have dealt with during those months. Nightly terrors when I sleep. Every night I survive another fight for my life. Reliving memories I wish I could erase. I can officially say that dying in a dream does not equal death, in fact you can die many times over in a dream. Painfully.

Pharmaceutical relief was short-lived. At first the medication would just "calm" the dreams, make it hard to remember anything about them, it slowed my heart rate enough that when I woke with fright it wasn't always in a puddle of cold sweat, with confusion of where I was with my heart racing. Eventually I started to help less and less.

Then I started a new medication. It still "calms" the dreams, much less violence and fear, but it makes the dreams seem like one of those drug/acid/mushroom trips you see depicted in movies. Kind of like Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. But much more gore, kind of like From Dusk to Dawn or something. And I will remember most details in the strangest ways. Or some details being so realistic I question if it happened or not.

Soon I will arrange an appointment with my doc again to see if there are any other options because having these nightly dream/terror trips are just as exhausting as having the "directors cut" rated MA blood bath B-movies. Hopefully then I can finally get some rest. I once used to love sleep when I was younger, now it's the one thing I dread.

Aside from the dreams... 28 months is nowhere enough time to overcome the fear, the constant urge to hide, the paranoia, flashbacks, triggers, and even the recovery of physical wounds. You would think 28 months could be enough time. It's not. Especially when there are so many countless triggers that send me spiraling back into that trauma space. 28 months might as well be 28 years or 28 days. It doesn't matter.

All that matters is I take those 28 months and continue to keep adding more months of working towards healing. I'll keep trying anything and everything I can to recover from my dark past. The path of finding myself and my strength is long, but it is a path I will continue on for the rest of my life, whether it's 28 days, months, years, or decades. This is my path to follow.

Kiss kiss meow,
Kitty <3

First of the roll, expired 1990's 120 film w/ Mamiya 645 camera
I couldn't edit this image aside from adding the watermark.
The imperfection in this image is enough to make it a perfect shot.

Little Worlds

     For most of my life I was always fascinated with insects, flowers, and so many things on such a small scale like that. I've been experimenting with macro photography. Zoomed in and so close to tiny creatures like that is like looking at a whole new world. There is always so much moving and living around us that sometimes we would never notice if we didn't take the time to look.

    Recently we have been getting out more and taking photos while we are out. One of our favorite trails is a simple 2-ish mile trek. For us it's like opening a door into our own wonderland where we get to spot mysterious plants and living organisms. Yes, we took forever to get through the trail but that was the point. We wanted to go out there and just take our time to see what all we could see. And of course we will soon go back again because the creatures and scenery are always changing as the seasons continue on. 

    Below I will attach some of the images I have captured of this wonderful macro world we roam. First I have to note, I am not using some kind of ultra zoom lens. I am using an 18-55mm lens, sometimes with my macro/wide-angle attachment, but with or without the attachment I have to get so close to the subject, which for us it can actually be easy. Just go slow and patiently. Have patience with the subject and they will stop panicking long enough to sit still while they try to figure out what that big black shiny thing is in their little faces.

    Sometimes you even get to see the personality of the creatures around you in their own little worlds. Sometimes you also notice they too are looking at you in wonder and curiosity. Most of the time it's that understanding you have to share with them, that "Hey, I'm not here to hurt you, you don't have to hurt me. Lets just look at each other." lol I really have no other way to explain it. It's just a shared understanding gained while slowly approaching them. 

    It's nice to just get out, worry about nothing except for if you brought enough charged batteries and water. Leave every other problem behind and just dive into so many little worlds that make you realize no matter how big or small, every life on this planet matters. Life is fleeting, for them and for us. We have to sometimes stop to appreciate what this planet does have to offer us.

^ FYI, THIS IS FIREFLY LARVA!!! 😲 ^

    If you stopped for a moment you might see something you have never seen before. There are over 150,000-160,000+ species of Lepidoptera, butterflies and moths. Over 8000+ species of frogs. 2000+ species of fireflies. More than 6000 species of jumping spiders. And 12,000 species of moss. You could be amazed at what you find, and more importantly learn something. Even if it is useless information. Someone, somewhere finds it useful information. 

    Going on walks or photography adventures can be very therapeutic. You should give it a try. 

Kiss kiss meow,

Kitty <3