It's been 28 months... 28 months since I left. 28 months since I signed that Protection From Abuse request. 28 months since I thought it would all finally stop. I can't tell if 28 months feels like the abuse was just yesterday or if 28 months feels like a long drawn out hell of stalking and harassment.
28 months is nowhere near enough time to heal. To recover from the inferno I once lived in for many many years. 28 months feels like seconds compared to the days and weeks of physical pain during the many healing processes from multiple occasions of abuse.
But then again, 28 months being attacked, doxxed, bullied, stalked, and harassed feels like eternity. The constant nagging feeling that I will never be free from the abuse until one of us is dead. But even then, I believe death would not be enough. He seems like the type to dig up my corpse to call his forever. Or worse, if he died, his spirit will haunt me for the rest of my life.
No matter how long 28 months feels, it can not explain everything I have dealt with during those months. Nightly terrors when I sleep. Every night I survive another fight for my life. Reliving memories I wish I could erase. I can officially say that dying in a dream does not equal death, in fact you can die many times over in a dream. Painfully.
Pharmaceutical relief was short-lived. At first the medication would just "calm" the dreams, make it hard to remember anything about them, it slowed my heart rate enough that when I woke with fright it wasn't always in a puddle of cold sweat, with confusion of where I was with my heart racing. Eventually I started to help less and less.
Then I started a new medication. It still "calms" the dreams, much less violence and fear, but it makes the dreams seem like one of those drug/acid/mushroom trips you see depicted in movies. Kind of like Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. But much more gore, kind of like From Dusk to Dawn or something. And I will remember most details in the strangest ways. Or some details being so realistic I question if it happened or not.
Soon I will arrange an appointment with my doc again to see if there are any other options because having these nightly dream/terror trips are just as exhausting as having the "directors cut" rated MA blood bath B-movies. Hopefully then I can finally get some rest. I once used to love sleep when I was younger, now it's the one thing I dread.
Aside from the dreams... 28 months is nowhere enough time to overcome the fear, the constant urge to hide, the paranoia, flashbacks, triggers, and even the recovery of physical wounds. You would think 28 months could be enough time. It's not. Especially when there are so many countless triggers that send me spiraling back into that trauma space. 28 months might as well be 28 years or 28 days. It doesn't matter.
All that matters is I take those 28 months and continue to keep adding more months of working towards healing. I'll keep trying anything and everything I can to recover from my dark past. The path of finding myself and my strength is long, but it is a path I will continue on for the rest of my life, whether it's 28 days, months, years, or decades. This is my path to follow.
Kiss kiss meow,
Kitty <3
I couldn't edit this image aside from adding the watermark.
The imperfection in this image is enough to make it a perfect shot.
Take time heal. You have it in you. I think you are expecting the opposite if what I am. Never again will that side show. I'll face the repercussions of my actions. What do you need to never have the dreams again? A conversation? A meeting ?
ReplyDeleteI saw you posted the day after I commented I just saw that. There's so much to work on in life to never stop learning never stop being better. No excuses can be made for with happen. You are the strongest women I've ever met. I never met to spend my life treating any person slightly how I was raised. Was so much disrespect I can't began to apologize for it other then step up. I know each days a challenge. What can I do to help honestly I take breaks and I want you to have space and know it's safe forever. I don't claim you I grovel to you as the man who woke up from a nightmare of being manic and becoming a pos. How can I take care of you and man up? I don't want you to think that you only have one way. I'll support you anyway you ask. I just ask to change everything you think about me. Because your owed to best I acted out this last year cause I felt just as hurt. I shouldn't have at all acted like what happened. I shouldn't have had that fight with you who was abused more. That was a changing point and I began to alot. It was so wrong of me to wake you every morning mad. I wasn't right and honestly I just wished we talked that out. Never did I think I would become what my mom ran from the only night she slept in the same house. Abused hurt. I'm so sorry that it ever could happen. Things will never go back I can live with it. But I can't live knowing I owe the women who made me into the man I should have been then. I know you need to hit me I know you need to know that can never be in life that look is forever gone. I'll get snipped if it helps anything to know I can't ever be rageful. I'll take estrogen. Anything to know you see the change my eyes would tell you.
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