How I got away and SOME of the aftermath [Trigger Warning]

Trigger warning as there are subjects that could trigger many emotions such as talk about stalking, harassment, and abuse.

Please note: I have not, and will not disclose any names. All information given is backed with evidence and witnesses. Nothing has been falsified. This is purely all from my experience. 

If you have not read the first blog about my experience please do so for more context.



    I know I just kind of cut the other blog fairly short without talking about how I got away and the aftermath. That is what I am going to touch on now because it helps express my reasons of concern and fear.

    How did I get away? Well I guess it was a cruel blessing that we were being evicted from the house we had lived in for a few years. We were not able to find a place to rent afterwards since my income was not as credible as it should be and since he kept quitting or being fired from pizza jobs it was hard to find anyone willing to rent to us. We ended up in a hotel for a little while but after awhile the decision was made to move back to my hometown.

    I half heartedly believed that in a cheaper city where we could save money to do whatever he wanted things would be easier on us, less stress and hopefully less arguing. I also believed if there was a way to get away, it would be easier there with more people I knew and more familiar resources around me.

    I guess in his words you could say I deceived him by convincing him to go back to my hometown. After many debates we went back. Things didn't seem any easier. He was more angry. Hating every minute there. Always taking it out on me. We stayed together there for a while, even while he was off with all these different girls he would meet on Tinder or even his own exes. I knew I had no choice in letting him go off with them. The one time I tried to stand up for my feelings he held me against my closet door telling me that I HAD to let him go and I had to trust him because if he was going to cheat on me then he will if he wanted too. I knew his intentions with these girls. All he ever really talked about with them was sex and to make them feel like they were special to him. Pretty much how he trapped me in the beginning. There was even a moment I feared he was going to hurt my mom for standing up for me when he was very volatile. That is the exact moment I knew something had to be done.

    Eventually time for his court date back in Colorado rolled around so he had to leave to go back. I was able to stay behind, thankfully I had the squirrels to take care of and honestly after the back injury traveling was far from easy for me. So once again I "deceived" him by convincing him to go. That everything would be fine and he would be back in no time. Even while he was driving back to Colorado we were arguing. We installed a tracking app so I could help direct him better on his way back. At one point he refused to listen to my directions and started going in the wrong direction, even getting farther from gas despite me trying to convey him correct directions. He would once again say so many nasty things to me, getting furious with me for his own choice in ignoring my directions while I'm sitting there on the computer with google maps pulled up and with his location tracked on the phone so I knew exactly where to tell him to go. But he wouldn't listen.

    After several more arguments during the course of his drive he finally arrived in Colorado. I stopped tracking him unless he told me to look where he was at while he was driving around or stealth camping in the city in the vehicle. The tracking app worked 2 ways. He would even track me and where I was. I couldn't even go off with my family without angering him. In December around the time of my sister's wedding, my half brother whom I had yet to meet but only spoken to on the phone and online was flying down for about 2 days. Unfortunately I was unable to spend any time with my family from out of town or even with my brother other than a 2 minute hello when they came by to pick my mom up. He had threatened to burn down the beach house they were all staying at because he knew the location since I had gone there before everyone got into town.

    All the while when he was in Colorado I would still place his food orders online or even call the restaurants for pick up so he could eat. I would still send him money. Even placing Walmart pick up orders for him. Look up any address or place he wanted. Give him directions. Give him reminders when he asked. I would wake up just to do his bidding. I did EVERYTHING I could to help him stay calm and happy. It was never enough, just never.

    He would often threaten to burn down my family's homes and threaten all kinds of craziness including practically kidnapping me BEFORE I was even breaking up with him. He would even try to get me to turn my tracker back on if I did turn it off. It got to the point where I felt like a prisoner no matter where I would go. He knew people in my hometown since it was his hometown too, so I always felt like I was looking over my shoulder because he might have called someone to find me or something. I can't even begin to explain my paranoia, still before I was able to break up with him.

    The fighting, the commands, the threats just kept going. I was almost unable to make it to my sister's wedding because he had already talked about how he didn't want any part of it when we found out she was engaged. I knew going to the wedding would be a difficult task so I just tried to agree with him to pacify him. I was planning to go no matter what. Many of my family and friends that I hadn't seen or spoken to in so long were going to be there. I really never intended to miss it. I guess that was another deception to him on my behalf.

   When it came to Christmas with family it was a nightmare. He was still in Colorado, since he hated his own family and wanted nothing to do with them. He wanted me to be the same way even though I was always pretty close with my family. (He also hated holidays, especially Christmas.) We had a little Christmas family dinner. My mom, sister, and new brother-in-law were all here. We were about to give the most important person a gift, my mom. He called, I tried to ask him if I could call him back in a minute because mom was about to open her gift, instead of letting me call him back he just went off on me. Furious that I would even put him off for a moment.

   I tried and wanted to leave him for good then, but it was so hard. I went as far as to send him all kinds of numbers to seek help since he was even threatening suicide. But I couldn't fully leave him at that point, so I "stayed" with him.

   The next day as soon as I could I went to the Police department to ask for advice. I was given a number of a hotline that could offer me assistance with this matter. After speaking with them I went directly to the bank to open an account he wouldn't know much about for a little while so I could deposit money in there to save in case I needed a real exit plan. I stayed with him for less than a month while I figured out my exit strategy. I had to be careful. I had to be safe.

    And, yes, we still argued daily because that is all he wanted to do and knew how to do. He would often keep me on the phone for hours at a time or would get pissed off with me if I didn't answer or respond in a timely manner. I could hardly sleep, eat, or breath without his permission. I did a lot of research on my situation, some he even found because he started checking all my history including my YouTube watch history. It was getting more and more ridiculous, not to mention beyond controlling.

   On January 16th, 2020 I officially broke up with him, even telling him I was officially doing so with a message that read "I am officially breaking up with you. I am done. You can make it on your own, I know you can. I love you but this is for me. I can not change my mind for you anymore. I have to make this decision for myself and I just can't keep going on like this. Goodbye." Of course he refused to accept it. The next day, the 17th, my dad took me to the court house so I can file for a Restraining Order which is actually a Protection From Abuse order there. On the 21st I got a response, the judge set a court date for April, which would later be reset due to COVID-19. During that time period I would often get calls, voicemails, emails, text messages, DMs, tweets, contacting people I knew, and so much more from him. He started harassing me more and more.

This was just one screenshot out of hundreds I have from his harassment over so many months

   He would make threats regarding the vehicle we co-signed together in 2019, saying he would have it repossessed or even that he would come here and wreck it. I set up an appointment with a lawyer to figure out what could be done about the vehicle belonging to us both, and the vehicle that he had in Colorado that was solely in my name. The lawyer said there is nothing that can be done until it's paid off. I spoke with the bank I was leasing through, they said the exact same thing. I was also told that there was no way he could get it repossessed from me without BOTH of our signatures or if he paid it off and had the title adjusted to only his name. It felt like a dead-end there, but slightly secure since I was assured that as long as the vehicle was in my possession and I was paying it there would be no reason for the bank to take it since they are getting their money.

    Now the story with the vehicle... In 2019 he decided he wanted a different vehicle. I did not want it. I knew it was higher payments than I wanted to pay on a vehicle not to mention we did a trade in on the vehicle he got me to co-sign on the previous year in 2018, so that owed amount went on top of the one we were going to get. The total amount for the new vehicle was $47,000 after the down payment. After reviewing bank statements he was able to contribute to the down payment and maybe a month or two (being generous) of payments after that but since he kept having work problems he was not making much money. For 95% of the time I had been the one making the payments. Even after breaking up with him I continued to make payments, well ahead of schedule, so much so I did get it to two or so months paid up in case something happened and I couldn't make a payment on time.

    I still have the vehicle, and still owe $38,000 on it after owning it for only a year and 7 months now. Unfortunately he is still on the title as a joint owner until I can find a way to refinance or pay it off completely. Refinancing it is almost impossible for me since my work history is not as long or credible to the bank. I have the income to pay for it, just not the needed history. So I'm pretty much fucked and he still thinks he has the upper hand so he STILL often makes threats regarding the vehicle. At least until by some miracle I can pay it off soon, I truly truly hope one day soon I can some how figure out how to pay it off and get his name off of it so I can cut the final string tying us together. But with $38k remaining, it is extremely doubtful since I don't make near enough and I keep forking out money for things like having to move and travel from place to place to make sure I am safe from him. I even pay monthly for an email blocker service so I don't have to receive emails from him on any of my email accounts. I will be soon paying for a security service as well, plus tons of upgrades for security reasons. For now 75% of my sells goes to the vehicle, the rest is for food and living expenses plus helping my mom with stuff. So I don't see me paying it off anytime soon.

   I finally had my court date to finalize and make the Protection From Abuse permanent in May. Thankfully he refused the mail that the court house mailed him to serve him, therefore it still counted as being served so the judge was able to proceed. I am now protected no matter what state or US territory I am in. He can not come within 500ft of me without violating the order. He can not contact me in ANY form or fashion either without violating. 

    After seeing the judge I went and had my number changed since I didn't have to worry about the courthouse or the lawyer calling me any more. That's when the calls from him finally ended. Honestly I still hate phones after all the times he forced me to stay on the phone with him or from all the harassment so I just don't really bother with phones anymore, people know how to contact me if they need to. I was just relieved to never have him call me again. But I wouldn't put it past him to somehow get my new number since I had already changed it once, and it was bone chilling when he called me on the (old) new number months ago.

   Once being granted the Protection From Abuse I knew it was finally safe to go to Colorado to get my stuff from my storage unit, and even the unit he had that he put my stolen belongings in (yet mailed me the key then later accused me of theft when I went to the storage facility, paid HIS overdue bill, and got my stuff out) to tie up loose ends. While I was there I went to the bank to notify them I had zero intention of giving up the vehicle through voluntary repossession, explained my situation that my ex is threatening to take it away even though he has no way to pay for it, and if any document comes in with my name on it to call me immediately to verify the information.  There is a whole long story to the Colorado trip regarding him that I will blog about one day. It was hilarious yet scary creepy at the same time.

   Now, I know I don't have to explain much more about why I am scared of him but I do want to include his past with his exes from what I witnessed. We were together for almost 8 years and during that time he would regularly check up one (aka stalk) his previous exes using different excuses, such as one is his kid's mom (even though neither of them have custody, so why check up on the baby momma if she doesn't have the kid but he would not as often check up on who DID have the kid, very questionable) and the other supposedly took his car and dog. While seeing how everything is, the ex taking the car and dog makes sense. For one, he would threaten to kill our animals, so yeah he shouldn't have animals around him if he can easily make threats like that. And two, the car was probably never even in his name and she, like me, was probably the one who put the most money in it.

    I knew he would never give up stalking them, and he was with me for longer, he says I hurt him the most, so why would he stop stalking me? He won't. He will ALWAYS stalk me. He will always think he knows everything about me and where I am. He will always think he can get retribution. So yes, it leaves me constantly looking over my shoulder, double checking the locks and windows where I am. I will probably always keep moving around to stay under his radar. I even plan to go as far as changing my legal name so that way one day when I am ready to buy land or a house he can't just easily find me with a land records search. My dad wants me to get my pistol permit but I am honestly kind of scared shitless of guns, but I am more afraid of my ex than a gun.

    There are so many, countless, mirco stories I haven't even covered. I just wanted to keep this a little short, even though I know it is not short. I will of course go into more details about more things in the future. This series of my blog is far from over. I have way too much bottled up. I have to get it all out there. I can't keep it contained anymore and writing is my best release.

    Let me know which subject/topic you want me to go into more detail next. I have many blogs already lined up, but I am curious what an outsider wants to know more about with this experience.

Kiss kiss meow,
Kitty

Something I need to talk about in order to start healing [GRAPHIC]

    For months I have bounced the idea around to write this blog. I had many reasons to wait. Many reasons to worry about posting it too. I think it's time...

    First I want to state the main reason I am writing this is for in case anything were to happen to me. Let this be my "insurance policy". I don't know what to expect to happen but everything over the past few years was not expected. I can't predict what can happen, that's why I'm writing this.

   I don't even know where to start. This will be a summary, I can go into more details about different periods but that will be later IF any one is interested. I'm sure many people may have questions. And I have heard that sometimes healing happens when I let things out. I have yet to even really talk about most of this in detail so here is a trial run.

    I guess I should start with this; around the beginning of the year I was able to escape a very toxic and abusive relationship. I had always thought it would never happen to me, but that's what makes things unexpected. I was with my ex since 2012, for almost 8 years, this past March would have been 8 years. Things were okay at first. He had a few temperament problems, but I blew it off as other things. Things that could be used as excuses in many cases. Eventually the problems became more like mental torment. We had guidelines he would set. Demands he wanted met. I obeyed like a good little pet I guess you could say. Things caused me discomfort but so be it, I had someone who I thought loved me.

    Things did not get physical until the end of 2013. We had moved 1400 miles from my hometown to a new city and state. I won't go into detail but there was an argument regarding his own feelings for another girl. During the argument he choke slammed me to the floor in our apartment. I thought it was just a one time thing after such a heated discussion, so I excused it, but never forgot it.

    After a few years it seemed like everything I would do or say would set him off, nothing was ever good enough, and so much was my fault. There were countless arguments. It felt as if our relationship was nothing but negativity. In 2015 it just kept getting worse and worse. I remember being in a hotel in Florida and we were arguing about our trip there and leaving, but he was so mad he punched me really hard on my lower back/hips/butt. I don't remember how many times but I just knew it hurt for a little while.

    We moved back to Colorado, later that summer. Stayed in a hotel for a little while since it was difficult for us to find a place to rent because neither of us had a work history and at that time he refused to get a job, even just a bullshit pizza job. I had been doing online Sex Work (SW) since 2013 but it wasn't like I could give that income over as proof of income to rent a place. Things were still rocky, and could sometimes be physical, even while in the car. Eventually we got lucky enough to rent from a friend's family in Colorado.

    At the time that was our best option, but it wasn't an option HE wanted. So while we live in that house and anytime he had a problem he would take it out on me. The only way I could put it is nothing could please this man, food, cleaning, cars, money, nothing made him happy. He was always angry at me. I found it hard to talk to him as it seemed like anything I said to him wasn't new or interesting enough, or just stupid. But I always listened to him repeat himself or tell me things I already knew, I never got mad like he would get mad at me.

    The mental and physical abuse just kept getting worse and worse. He limited my sleep making it hard to function daily. I would bust my ass making content for work and I would still have to clean or cook for him. I had to stay up longer than him so I could rub his back so he could fall asleep. He would even get mad at me about where he would put his own stuff. I could do nothing right because nothing was perfectly his way. I saw it as because I couldn't make enough money to make his dreams come true when I was making enough to cover our $1,900/mo rent, utilities, car note, and all the take out he wanted since he HATED my cooking. But to him, that's not good enough.

    Once the abuse started happening monthly I started to try to document it when I could. It was hard to do so since he was always around, we were never apart, even when I made content he was in the next room. I was concerned about what to do so I tried to have proof in case I decided to make a run for it.

    It was hard to make the decision to run for it, so for years I never made that decision. I stuck around, endured the abuse. I started realizing his attitude and behavior was limiting me, holding me back from working and making incredible content. It was like if he knew I had to do some work he would cause an issue making it so much harder for me to get work done. Eventually it got to the point his abuse hindered my content making. Either I would have a huge mess to clean up from him or I had an injury to hide.

    Even while making content with him, which we thought it would be a good idea to try to double our income by him creating accounts and making content as well, which at the time he was open to do. Once we had his accounts made he would even use them to brag to other girls about his "porn star" status. So I never thought he was against having those accounts. When we tried to make content together we would only argue or even for an anal scene he would be really rough with me. There was one time we tried to get me "warmed up" by practicing before we filmed, but it hurt so much all I could do was cry and sometimes the crying out would be pretty loud, I wanted it to stop but I felt like he was right, we needed to do it to be ready for the scene. So I would get discouraged when it came to making content together.

    To the point of this blog, to the reason I have my fears that make this blog my "insurance policy" in case something happened to me. I do have reason to worry about my life when it comes to him. And its not small little things I could nit pick. These were real severe things I would just overlook or forgive, but not any more. That is why I am worried.

     Now this is where it becomes a bit more graphic as I will show pictures, video, and audio of the past few years with him. I was not able to document everything but this is what I do have to show. As I said he would make big messes out of anger from tiny problems that I would have to clean up... Or even longer for me to physically or mentally recover from, which I will go into some detail here, but more later on.

September 13, 2018

This was just the mess I had to clean up... The following images are of the "mess" I had to cover up from that day. After so long, and after now having a hard time with short term memory, I couldn't even begin to tell you which pointless reason this argument started at. As I said, anything could set him off. Minor ordeals most people just ignore would turn into atomic bombs for him.

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September 13, 2018

September 13, 2018

September 13, 2018

September 13, 2018

September 13, 2018

    There have been countless times he would grab me by the neck or choke me, but there were even times he tried to stand on my neck. These photos show when he did just that, not only had he punched me in the head but he also had his foot on my throat while I was on the ground after having been punched.

   Fast forward to December 21, 2018 merely days before my Kim Possible cosplay set was due and not yet made, we got into another argument. I mentioned a passing car but that car just so happened to be the same model as the falling apart car that he would hardly spend the time to fix up (or even get a job to buy the parts instead of relying on me who is paying ALL the bills to pay for the parts) that I "forced" him to sell when we had to move. I brought up someone else's car as they were passing us on the road and it set him off to the point that the rest of the drive he was in such a fowl mood. After leaving the store and heading home more arguments started so eventually he did what he knew best.

   To punch me in the head over and over and over again with no mercy or second thought. I'm just stuck in the seat next to him in our vehicle as he is punching me, I don't know what else to do other than cover my head with my hands and cry. THAT is how I broke my finger, not that bullshit lie I gave everyone about smashing it in a transmission. At that point we weren't working on any car because he couldn't be bothered to work on anything.

   By the time we get home I have a throbbing hand and a splitting headache. But it really didn't stop there. I don't remember much of that night other than caring for my injuries afterwards.

    This video is from our security camera out front. This was after he punched me repetitively in the head and broke my finger. As you can hear from him yelling at the end, the fight was not over.

Dec 21, 2018

   These were the photos I don't even remember taking that night, but I imagine I snuck into the bathroom at some point to "use the toilet" and took the photos, uploaded them before deleting them from my camera roll. I knew previously I needed to keep more documentation just in case.

Dec 21, 2018

Dec 21, 2018

Dec 21, 2018

Dec 21, 2018

Dec 21, 2018

Dec 21, 2018

Dec 21, 2018

Dec 21, 2018

Dec 21, 2018

    And of course I can't go to the hospital. Of course I can't seek help. So what do I do? I get some craft sticks, gauze, and medical tape just to make a splint for my broken finger.

Dec 22, 2018

Dec 22, 2018

Dec 22, 2018

    Once again, for days or even weeks later, I had to cover the visible bruises. And I hate wearing make up unless if its for work, but just to go to the store or to check my PO box, that felt insane.

Dec 22, 2018

    If I remember correctly that was one of a few times he was "worried" I might have a concussion.... But still, for no reason I could not go to the hospital... I wonder why. Maybe they would have helped me, but I was too stupid to know that. All I knew is even if he was locked up for a night he would get out and know where to find me. I had NO ONE to run to in Colorado. I didn't think anyone would help me. I was stuck. It was my worst nightmare. 

    Yet, with bruises and a broken finger I still managed to pull off my Kim Possible Cosplay in time for the launch date, January 1st 2019, as planned. Thankfully my gloves covered the very noticeable discoloration to my finger. I will admit, to this day, I still absolutely hate my Kim Possible content from that time, because when I look at it all I can remember is the excruciating pain I had to pretend didn't exist while shooting that set.

     I wish I could say that was the last of the abuse I endured. It wasn't. It was like the rest of the time with him was nightmare after nightmare. (Literally, I am plagued with nightmares since then.) It seemed like every month or every few weeks was something else. I honestly couldn't tell you what every argument was about, most were just caused by something minuscule so I can't remember. Plus trying to recall every detail from these events is not easy. I have to take a lot of breaks to write this blog, which is why it has taken me so long to put it out. This just is not something easy to talk about and revisit.

     Even in February 2019 I had more images saved, I don't know all the details like I said. Does it really matter though? When someone else is so much stronger than you and they willingly beat you, does it matter what it was about? It's not like I threw the first punch, cheated, lied, etc. All that mattered was I did something to set him off or something set him off.

    Also I have to note, during all these next fights he rebroke my finger a few times so it took forever to heal, and still has not healed properly.

Feb 5, 2019

Feb 5, 2019

Feb 5, 2019

Feb 5, 2019

    When my birthday was coming around in March 2019 I had intended to do a birthday stream. Discussed with him about the plans so his work wouldn't be a conflict so I could stream as much as possible that night. The last min plans had changed for his work so he ended up doing deliveries the night of the stream but since I was in the middle of streaming I didn't see his texts right away about him getting off earlier than expected. I had been drinking during the stream and having a blast, but I logged off in a rush so he could come home. Before I could even finish cleaning up and shutting down my webcam stuff he was already screaming at me.

    I hadn't turned off the program that records what my webcam was seeing so I ended up catching the fight, but I was pretty tipsy and just boo-hooing like an idiot half naked on the couch while he yells at me, I didn't want to post that video but I might in another blog if anyone is interested. If people are interested then I'll do a blog about how the abused affected my ability to stream.

    So that was March 2019. We still argued more in April. More punching and bruising

April 2, 2019

April 2, 2019

     On April 10th he was having a fit about his towels that he leaves everywhere. He left one behind the bathroom door one night, but because I didn't move the towel for him by the next morning he had problems getting into the bathroom and it pissed him off. So we started arguing. How was I supposed to know I was supposed to move the towel when 95% of the time if I move the towel he gets pissed because it wasn't where he left it last?

    So that lead to an argument about how he almost whacked his face trying to walk into the bathroom, so he decided to take me to the bathroom door to give me an example. As he is holding me firmly from behind with me standing as close to the bathroom door as possible and lecturing me he opens the door  to "show" me what he goes through. While "showing" me he ends up slamming me into the door with one hand while closing the door in my face with his other hand, causing me to hit the door full force.  This ended up causing me to bust my lip open pretty badly. All I remember was staring at the door as it came to me and BOOM pain. I've never had a busted lip that bad in my life and I hope I never do again.

April 10, 2019

April 10, 2019

April 10, 2019 (still with a broken finger)

April 10, 2019

April 10, 2019 

(all I could think to do is keep it covered with neosporin) 

     After realizing how bad my lip was he then proceeded to convince me I fell into or I moved into the door myself. He was determined to make me believe I did it to myself. And stupidly, I'll be honest, I started to believe it. Part of me KNEW that I didn't do it, but most of me was once again listening to him and believing him. It never set right with me that I did it, but I had to believe him, right?

   If anyone remembers, April 2019 was supposed to be my Misty cosplay debut, but since Misty doesn't have a busted face and I was trying to keep it hidden, I changed my plan. I put on a medical mask and did the nurse content instead. I hated it. It pissed me off, but I kept my painful mouth shut. I wouldn't ever speak about how pissed these content detours made me.

April 16, 2019

    I even went and hung out with a fellow SW just a few days later, and still tried to keep it as hidden and low key as possible. I wish I had just spoken up then and told her.

   Even though I had already gone through a lot of hell, the worst had yet to come. Around May 31st I woke up early one morning, not in the best of moods since his morning "habits" woke me up once again (I will spare the detail, no need to really make this blog messier than it is) so I got up and started to walk to the bathroom, but I guess something about how I was walking to the bathroom was an issue, so he got an attitude and asked me what it is. I told him I had to pee and we went back and forth for a while about how I just wanted to go pee. I didn't want to argue so I just got back in bed and tried to go to sleep. The argument kept going on and so while he went to go to the bathroom I started recording. 

    There are two parts as it is easier to work with and I had to cut out some of the silence when we were no longer in the room together, plus some of it got lost since the ipod would only properly store so much. In the audio you hear him screaming and pissed off. Yes of course I tried to stand up for myself. In the beginning he starts to hit me. 

    I did cut out the more abusive part, I intended to leave it out but after second thought I figured I will include it which is the second clip. After the second clip I started to cry. When the first clip picks back up and you hear me crying he comes back to the room still furious and my crying made it worse. So he got angry, you can hear him pushing me, holding me down, choking me, and beating me more while I cry. I tried to get away from him but there is nowhere to go.

    You will hear us smoking, because I felt like that was the only way I could get him to come down some, but it wasn't helping this time.

    You will hear me suggest killing ourselves, but you have to think after so long of him telling me he wanted to kill himself or how he hated being there. After so long from the abuse all I knew at that point was death would have been better. Leaving him NEVER seemed like an option. All I wanted to do is be away from always being hurt so often. He told me he wanted to kill himself, so why not, let's just end the suffering for us both.

    NO, I no longer feel that way about my life. NO, I am no longer a suicide risk now that I am away from him. Yes I really did feel like that was the ONLY option, but now I know it's not. 

    If you don't want to hear the full 1+ hour clip, just skip to the second clip once it gets quiet in the first one as it is the one I cut out. 

    This second part was cut out originally because I didn't want to really put out there about the morning masturbation issue, but playing it back now, does that really matter? I believe it was cut in the beginning of the other video. It is pretty graphic so please be aware.

   He had hurt me bad at this point. My back was screwed up for so long afterwards, I could hardly walk or move. I was practically laid up in bed for a month. The damage was more long term. For months I went through so much pain, even a year later I am still troubled by it causing me pain often. I can't stand or sit certain ways for too long. I can't seem to lift anything heavy either without it giving me trouble.

May 31, 2019

May 31, 2019

May 31, 2019

May 31, 2019

May 31, 2019

   Thankfully that was, for the most part, the last of the really bad physical abuse. Thankfully not too long after we were moving out and evened up being around a lot more people so he wasn't able to abuse me since he wouldn't have gotten away with it so easily. And even more thankfully I started to think about other options. 

    I did manage to convince him to move back to my hometown, where my family lived, I had hoped maybe there were things that were cheaper and we could save easier so he could do whatever he wanted then while I continued to work and make us money. And maybe if things got bad there too I could somehow find help. 

    It was really difficult but I was able to get away from him. I think that's a whole blog of it's own so I will write that blog next in more detail about how I was able to get away and leave him, the aftermath, and all the craziness that is (still) coming with it. 

    I just knew I needed to get this out on the table, I need to eventually talk about it, I need to give details that I want to avoid, because ultimately I need to heal from this. Burying it deep inside me and pretending none of it happened is not healing. I have barely gone into detail with anyone else but maybe one or two people, it's hard to talk about and tell someone about it, not to mention telling others. So it felt more natural and easier to myself to do what I usually do with my emotions, write about it. But I didn't want to just write it in my old notebook where no one ever knew what I experienced because I shouldn't have to hide this part of my life.

  Now to the reason this is my insurance policy is because I know what he plans to do. I officially broke it off with him in January 2020, but to this day he still harasses and stalks me. He has made threats to come find me so honestly I don't know what to expect. If anything were to happen to me, I want this all to me known. I'm not saying he will come after me or anything. But I'm also saying whether or not I release this blog he is still out there creepily watching, stalking, and waiting. (More on the harassment and stalking in future blogs) He has already made one 24hr trip to hunt me down, what is to stop him from trying again. 

   I fear encountering him, as I hope I never see him again. My mind goes to scary places when I think about the "what if's" with him coming back around. I just rather not. 

   In the next month and future blogs I will talk about how I left, the aftermath, why I am so scared, how it's affected me mentally, how it's affected me socially, and so much more around this topic since this isn't a one and done thing. If there is something you have questions about please ask and I will answer in future blogs.

   Thank you everyone for the love and support you have given me over the past few months.

Until next time, kiss kiss meow!

Kitty