For months I have bounced the idea around to write this blog. I had many reasons to wait. Many reasons to worry about posting it too. I think it's time...
First I want to state the main reason I am writing this is for in case anything were to happen to me. Let this be my "insurance policy". I don't know what to expect to happen but everything over the past few years was not expected. I can't predict what can happen, that's why I'm writing this.
I don't even know where to start. This will be a summary, I can go into more details about different periods but that will be later IF any one is interested. I'm sure many people may have questions. And I have heard that sometimes healing happens when I let things out. I have yet to even really talk about most of this in detail so here is a trial run.
I guess I should start with this; around the beginning of the year I was able to escape a very toxic and abusive relationship. I had always thought it would never happen to me, but that's what makes things unexpected. I was with my ex since 2012, for almost 8 years, this past March would have been 8 years. Things were okay at first. He had a few temperament problems, but I blew it off as other things. Things that could be used as excuses in many cases. Eventually the problems became more like mental torment. We had guidelines he would set. Demands he wanted met. I obeyed like a good little pet I guess you could say. Things caused me discomfort but so be it, I had someone who I thought loved me.
Things did not get physical until the end of 2013. We had moved 1400 miles from my hometown to a new city and state. I won't go into detail but there was an argument regarding his own feelings for another girl. During the argument he choke slammed me to the floor in our apartment. I thought it was just a one time thing after such a heated discussion, so I excused it, but never forgot it.
After a few years it seemed like everything I would do or say would set him off, nothing was ever good enough, and so much was my fault. There were countless arguments. It felt as if our relationship was nothing but negativity. In 2015 it just kept getting worse and worse. I remember being in a hotel in Florida and we were arguing about our trip there and leaving, but he was so mad he punched me really hard on my lower back/hips/butt. I don't remember how many times but I just knew it hurt for a little while.
We moved back to Colorado, later that summer. Stayed in a hotel for a little while since it was difficult for us to find a place to rent because neither of us had a work history and at that time he refused to get a job, even just a bullshit pizza job. I had been doing online Sex Work (SW) since 2013 but it wasn't like I could give that income over as proof of income to rent a place. Things were still rocky, and could sometimes be physical, even while in the car. Eventually we got lucky enough to rent from a friend's family in Colorado.
At the time that was our best option, but it wasn't an option HE wanted. So while we live in that house and anytime he had a problem he would take it out on me. The only way I could put it is nothing could please this man, food, cleaning, cars, money, nothing made him happy. He was always angry at me. I found it hard to talk to him as it seemed like anything I said to him wasn't new or interesting enough, or just stupid. But I always listened to him repeat himself or tell me things I already knew, I never got mad like he would get mad at me.
The mental and physical abuse just kept getting worse and worse. He limited my sleep making it hard to function daily. I would bust my ass making content for work and I would still have to clean or cook for him. I had to stay up longer than him so I could rub his back so he could fall asleep. He would even get mad at me about where he would put his own stuff. I could do nothing right because nothing was perfectly his way. I saw it as because I couldn't make enough money to make his dreams come true when I was making enough to cover our $1,900/mo rent, utilities, car note, and all the take out he wanted since he HATED my cooking. But to him, that's not good enough.
Once the abuse started happening monthly I started to try to document it when I could. It was hard to do so since he was always around, we were never apart, even when I made content he was in the next room. I was concerned about what to do so I tried to have proof in case I decided to make a run for it.
It was hard to make the decision to run for it, so for years I never made that decision. I stuck around, endured the abuse. I started realizing his attitude and behavior was limiting me, holding me back from working and making incredible content. It was like if he knew I had to do some work he would cause an issue making it so much harder for me to get work done. Eventually it got to the point his abuse hindered my content making. Either I would have a huge mess to clean up from him or I had an injury to hide.
Even while making content with him, which we thought it would be a good idea to try to double our income by him creating accounts and making content as well, which at the time he was open to do. Once we had his accounts made he would even use them to brag to other girls about his "porn star" status. So I never thought he was against having those accounts. When we tried to make content together we would only argue or even for an anal scene he would be really rough with me. There was one time we tried to get me "warmed up" by practicing before we filmed, but it hurt so much all I could do was cry and sometimes the crying out would be pretty loud, I wanted it to stop but I felt like he was right, we needed to do it to be ready for the scene. So I would get discouraged when it came to making content together.
To the point of this blog, to the reason I have my fears that make this blog my "insurance policy" in case something happened to me. I do have reason to worry about my life when it comes to him. And its not small little things I could nit pick. These were real severe things I would just overlook or forgive, but not any more. That is why I am worried.
Now this is where it becomes a bit more graphic as I will show pictures, video, and audio of the past few years with him. I was not able to document everything but this is what I do have to show. As I said he would make big messes out of anger from tiny problems that I would have to clean up... Or even longer for me to physically or mentally recover from, which I will go into some detail here, but more later on.
September 13, 2018
This was just the mess I had to clean up... The following images are of the "mess" I had to cover up from that day. After so long, and after now having a hard time with short term memory, I couldn't even begin to tell you which pointless reason this argument started at. As I said, anything could set him off. Minor ordeals most people just ignore would turn into atomic bombs for him.
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September 13, 2018
September 13, 2018
September 13, 2018
September 13, 2018
September 13, 2018
There have been countless times he would grab me by the neck or choke me, but there were even times he tried to stand on my neck. These photos show when he did just that, not only had he punched me in the head but he also had his foot on my throat while I was on the ground after having been punched.
Fast forward to December 21, 2018 merely days before my Kim Possible cosplay set was due and not yet made, we got into another argument. I mentioned a passing car but that car just so happened to be the same model as the falling apart car that he would hardly spend the time to fix up (or even get a job to buy the parts instead of relying on me who is paying ALL the bills to pay for the parts) that I "forced" him to sell when we had to move. I brought up someone else's car as they were passing us on the road and it set him off to the point that the rest of the drive he was in such a fowl mood. After leaving the store and heading home more arguments started so eventually he did what he knew best.
To punch me in the head over and over and over again with no mercy or second thought. I'm just stuck in the seat next to him in our vehicle as he is punching me, I don't know what else to do other than cover my head with my hands and cry. THAT is how I broke my finger, not that bullshit lie I gave everyone about smashing it in a transmission. At that point we weren't working on any car because he couldn't be bothered to work on anything.
By the time we get home I have a throbbing hand and a splitting headache. But it really didn't stop there. I don't remember much of that night other than caring for my injuries afterwards.
This video is from our security camera out front. This was after he punched me repetitively in the head and broke my finger. As you can hear from him yelling at the end, the fight was not over.
Dec 21, 2018
These were the photos I don't even remember taking that night, but I imagine I snuck into the bathroom at some point to "use the toilet" and took the photos, uploaded them before deleting them from my camera roll. I knew previously I needed to keep more documentation just in case.
Dec 21, 2018
Dec 21, 2018
Dec 21, 2018
Dec 21, 2018
Dec 21, 2018
Dec 21, 2018
Dec 21, 2018
Dec 21, 2018
Dec 21, 2018
And of course I can't go to the hospital. Of course I can't seek help. So what do I do? I get some craft sticks, gauze, and medical tape just to make a splint for my broken finger.
Dec 22, 2018
Dec 22, 2018
Dec 22, 2018
Once again, for days or even weeks later, I had to cover the visible bruises. And I hate wearing make up unless if its for work, but just to go to the store or to check my PO box, that felt insane.
Dec 22, 2018
If I remember correctly that was one of a few times he was "worried" I might have a concussion.... But still, for no reason I could not go to the hospital... I wonder why. Maybe they would have helped me, but I was too stupid to know that. All I knew is even if he was locked up for a night he would get out and know where to find me. I had NO ONE to run to in Colorado. I didn't think anyone would help me. I was stuck. It was my worst nightmare.
Yet, with bruises and a broken finger I still managed to pull off my Kim Possible Cosplay in time for the launch date, January 1st 2019, as planned. Thankfully my gloves covered the very noticeable discoloration to my finger. I will admit, to this day, I still absolutely hate my Kim Possible content from that time, because when I look at it all I can remember is the excruciating pain I had to pretend didn't exist while shooting that set.
I wish I could say that was the last of the abuse I endured. It wasn't. It was like the rest of the time with him was nightmare after nightmare. (Literally, I am plagued with nightmares since then.) It seemed like every month or every few weeks was something else. I honestly couldn't tell you what every argument was about, most were just caused by something minuscule so I can't remember. Plus trying to recall every detail from these events is not easy. I have to take a lot of breaks to write this blog, which is why it has taken me so long to put it out. This just is not something easy to talk about and revisit.
Even in February 2019 I had more images saved, I don't know all the details like I said. Does it really matter though? When someone else is so much stronger than you and they willingly beat you, does it matter what it was about? It's not like I threw the first punch, cheated, lied, etc. All that mattered was I did something to set him off or something set him off.
Also I have to note, during all these next fights he rebroke my finger a few times so it took forever to heal, and still has not healed properly.
Feb 5, 2019
Feb 5, 2019
Feb 5, 2019
Feb 5, 2019
When my birthday was coming around in March 2019 I had intended to do a birthday stream. Discussed with him about the plans so his work wouldn't be a conflict so I could stream as much as possible that night. The last min plans had changed for his work so he ended up doing deliveries the night of the stream but since I was in the middle of streaming I didn't see his texts right away about him getting off earlier than expected. I had been drinking during the stream and having a blast, but I logged off in a rush so he could come home. Before I could even finish cleaning up and shutting down my webcam stuff he was already screaming at me.
I hadn't turned off the program that records what my webcam was seeing so I ended up catching the fight, but I was pretty tipsy and just boo-hooing like an idiot half naked on the couch while he yells at me, I didn't want to post that video but I might in another blog if anyone is interested. If people are interested then I'll do a blog about how the abused affected my ability to stream.
So that was March 2019. We still argued more in April. More punching and bruising
April 2, 2019
April 2, 2019
On April 10th he was having a fit about his towels that he leaves everywhere. He left one behind the bathroom door one night, but because I didn't move the towel for him by the next morning he had problems getting into the bathroom and it pissed him off. So we started arguing. How was I supposed to know I was supposed to move the towel when 95% of the time if I move the towel he gets pissed because it wasn't where he left it last?
So that lead to an argument about how he almost whacked his face trying to walk into the bathroom, so he decided to take me to the bathroom door to give me an example. As he is holding me firmly from behind with me standing as close to the bathroom door as possible and lecturing me he opens the door to "show" me what he goes through. While "showing" me he ends up slamming me into the door with one hand while closing the door in my face with his other hand, causing me to hit the door full force. This ended up causing me to bust my lip open pretty badly. All I remember was staring at the door as it came to me and BOOM pain. I've never had a busted lip that bad in my life and I hope I never do again.
April 10, 2019
April 10, 2019
April 10, 2019 (still with a broken finger)
April 10, 2019
April 10, 2019
(all I could think to do is keep it covered with neosporin)
After realizing how bad my lip was he then proceeded to convince me I fell into or I moved into the door myself. He was determined to make me believe I did it to myself. And stupidly, I'll be honest, I started to believe it. Part of me KNEW that I didn't do it, but most of me was once again listening to him and believing him. It never set right with me that I did it, but I had to believe him, right?
If anyone remembers, April 2019 was supposed to be my Misty cosplay debut, but since Misty doesn't have a busted face and I was trying to keep it hidden, I changed my plan. I put on a medical mask and did the nurse content instead. I hated it. It pissed me off, but I kept my painful mouth shut. I wouldn't ever speak about how pissed these content detours made me.
April 16, 2019
I even went and hung out with a fellow SW just a few days later, and still tried to keep it as hidden and low key as possible. I wish I had just spoken up then and told her.
Even though I had already gone through a lot of hell, the worst had yet to come. Around May 31st I woke up early one morning, not in the best of moods since his morning "habits" woke me up once again (I will spare the detail, no need to really make this blog messier than it is) so I got up and started to walk to the bathroom, but I guess something about how I was walking to the bathroom was an issue, so he got an attitude and asked me what it is. I told him I had to pee and we went back and forth for a while about how I just wanted to go pee. I didn't want to argue so I just got back in bed and tried to go to sleep. The argument kept going on and so while he went to go to the bathroom I started recording.
There are two parts as it is easier to work with and I had to cut out some of the silence when we were no longer in the room together, plus some of it got lost since the ipod would only properly store so much. In the audio you hear him screaming and pissed off. Yes of course I tried to stand up for myself. In the beginning he starts to hit me.
I did cut out the more abusive part, I intended to leave it out but after second thought I figured I will include it which is the second clip. After the second clip I started to cry. When the first clip picks back up and you hear me crying he comes back to the room still furious and my crying made it worse. So he got angry, you can hear him pushing me, holding me down, choking me, and beating me more while I cry. I tried to get away from him but there is nowhere to go.
You will hear us smoking, because I felt like that was the only way I could get him to come down some, but it wasn't helping this time.
You will hear me suggest killing ourselves, but you have to think after so long of him telling me he wanted to kill himself or how he hated being there. After so long from the abuse all I knew at that point was death would have been better. Leaving him NEVER seemed like an option. All I wanted to do is be away from always being hurt so often. He told me he wanted to kill himself, so why not, let's just end the suffering for us both.
NO, I no longer feel that way about my life. NO, I am no longer a suicide risk now that I am away from him. Yes I really did feel like that was the ONLY option, but now I know it's not.
NO, I no longer feel that way about my life. NO, I am no longer a suicide risk now that I am away from him. Yes I really did feel like that was the ONLY option, but now I know it's not.
If you don't want to hear the full 1+ hour clip, just skip to the second clip once it gets quiet in the first one as it is the one I cut out.
He had hurt me bad at this point. My back was screwed up for so long afterwards, I could hardly walk or move. I was practically laid up in bed for a month. The damage was more long term. For months I went through so much pain, even a year later I am still troubled by it causing me pain often. I can't stand or sit certain ways for too long. I can't seem to lift anything heavy either without it giving me trouble.
May 31, 2019
May 31, 2019
May 31, 2019
May 31, 2019
May 31, 2019
Thankfully that was, for the most part, the last of the really bad physical abuse. Thankfully not too long after we were moving out and evened up being around a lot more people so he wasn't able to abuse me since he wouldn't have gotten away with it so easily. And even more thankfully I started to think about other options.
I did manage to convince him to move back to my hometown, where my family lived, I had hoped maybe there were things that were cheaper and we could save easier so he could do whatever he wanted then while I continued to work and make us money. And maybe if things got bad there too I could somehow find help.
It was really difficult but I was able to get away from him. I think that's a whole blog of it's own so I will write that blog next in more detail about how I was able to get away and leave him, the aftermath, and all the craziness that is (still) coming with it.
I just knew I needed to get this out on the table, I need to eventually talk about it, I need to give details that I want to avoid, because ultimately I need to heal from this. Burying it deep inside me and pretending none of it happened is not healing. I have barely gone into detail with anyone else but maybe one or two people, it's hard to talk about and tell someone about it, not to mention telling others. So it felt more natural and easier to myself to do what I usually do with my emotions, write about it. But I didn't want to just write it in my old notebook where no one ever knew what I experienced because I shouldn't have to hide this part of my life.
Now to the reason this is my insurance policy is because I know what he plans to do. I officially broke it off with him in January 2020, but to this day he still harasses and stalks me. He has made threats to come find me so honestly I don't know what to expect. If anything were to happen to me, I want this all to me known. I'm not saying he will come after me or anything. But I'm also saying whether or not I release this blog he is still out there creepily watching, stalking, and waiting. (More on the harassment and stalking in future blogs) He has already made one 24hr trip to hunt me down, what is to stop him from trying again.
I fear encountering him, as I hope I never see him again. My mind goes to scary places when I think about the "what if's" with him coming back around. I just rather not.
In the next month and future blogs I will talk about how I left, the aftermath, why I am so scared, how it's affected me mentally, how it's affected me socially, and so much more around this topic since this isn't a one and done thing. If there is something you have questions about please ask and I will answer in future blogs.
Thank you everyone for the love and support you have given me over the past few months.
Until next time, kiss kiss meow!
Kitty
I'm so sorry that you had to go through this and endure this, no person deserves to be beaten and mentally tortured. I honestly pray that this will now all stop, please make sure you sound yourself with friends and loved ones. We are all here for you and sending are thoughts and love to you. Stay strong cos just reading this breaks my heart, your a strong woman you really are and I hope in a much better and safe place than you was xxx
ReplyDeletethis that scr3wtape guy aint it
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you experienced this hell from a fucked up narcissist.. Your strength has won, huge hugs for leaving him. I'm not sure how things work in the US but I'm hoping there are people you can talk too who can help you with the healing process and possibly even keep an eye on your safety. Some days will be harder than others but the longer you're away from him the stronger you'll become, I hope you're excited to finally be able to find and grow into your true self. Your gorgeous lady! Xx DJ
ReplyDeleteI hope he never runs into a CHEF !!
ReplyDeleteDamn what you do to him. He flat out state he hates himself more then anything he could do to you. Something isn't adding up that's admitting he hatss his actions. Did you two ever talk?
ReplyDeleteIt's more like what didn't I do for him? I took care of & did everything for him. Bought his cars, a bike, all kinds of junk. I paid his way for everything from '13 to '19, he barely worked & only worked the last year or two while we were together. I'd bathe him, I'd rub his back every night for him to fall asleep. I put out every time he wanted otherwise it would be another fight because he can't feel man enough with not having sex. I'd dress him, I'd cook for him, I'd clean up after him, I'd do everything for him, even order his food, made calls for him. Paid to have dental work when I wasn't even allowed to get glasses for myself for years after mine were broken from a fight he was in. I even physically defended him when he would fight people. I hired a lawyer for his road rage case. I wrote essays for his court stuff. I just couldn't provide him with the expensive cars he wanted. I couldn't fork out thousands of dollars for the parts he wanted. His daily wardrobe almost always cost more than mine while most of my stuff was goodwill or lingerie for work so I could keep making money for him. I gave up all my goals, all my dreams, all my hopes for him.
DeleteHe has hated himself long before I was around, he told me that himself, but I see why now, he could never be on his own, could never hold down a job, of course he hates himself because he couldn't be an adult & didnt have everyone baby him until I came along & rescued him from all the bills he never paid, the overdue rent, & even cleaned up the shit hole he was living in when I met him because he said his ex did it, but after living with him I knew he did it all just never wanted to clean up after himself. He treated his family like shit, especially his grandmother who used to house him, feed him, & still would baby him today if he were around her, yet he would say she had dementia/was crazy. Ive worked with dementia patients, none of them are as sane/independent as she still is. It was just his excuse for verbally abusing her. His daughter he never really gave a shit about, only wanted her to piss his baby momma off or his mom. Claims he was raped after work or that the girl might even be his best friend's -who already knew about the previous abuse with his other ex- even though she looks just like him. I'm glad he never got her because no clue how he would have punished her considering all the punishments I endured. His own mother tried to warn me of the abuse, but I took his word that she was crazy. Never knew she actually worried about me. Yeah, he hates himself, did long before I came along. I just ended up being the 2nd or 3rd girl he abused for not giving him everything he wanted. But at least I wasn't the one locked up in a bathroom like the other girl, I just got beat up like the others. No, I'm not the only female he has beaten. With me it was a monthly occurrence. He was violent before I met him, violent while I was with him, & has threatened violence since I left him.
Yes, we talked, I listened but he never did. He never cared about how I felt or what I thought because usually he would say it was stupid anyways. His word was law, he always got what he wanted, even when he cried over stuff he wanted. But no matter what I said or thought it didn't matter, he never cared. Just like how he always knew I suffered from depression yet during my bad days he would scream at me because I was being stupid for being depressed. I wasnt allowed to feel depressed or suicidal, but I was never allowed to get any help. I brought it up in the beginning & he refused for me to get help, him to get help, or us together. He needs help. I'm finding it now though I always still feel like I can't express how happy anything makes me because anything I used to find happiness in he would destroy or threaten to take it away, even things like water color paints. He'd even threatened to kill our pet squirrels when they were still alive to hurt me because he knew how much I cared for them.
DeleteOf course he hates his actions because he has to live with the consequences of his actions. He didn't get away with it like he did with his exes he abused. If no one had found out he wouldn't hate his actions. With how he has acted these two years since we broke up, all the harassment, all the stalking, all the threats, PROVES he hasn't changed a single bit, if he had then he would have left me alone long ago.
Did you know since he was court ordered to no longer have any contact with me, he has violated the Protection From Abuse order over 700 times now IN TWO YEARS (from Jan 2020-now), yes I have proof, might even make a public folder for anyone to see, I think I will put everything I have in it. He has contacted my family too. He has a warrant out for his arrest for the violation of the PFA order. I have not once contacted him directly. Any kind of contact was over the jeep we had together, that was just me posting on my twitter publicly stating the bank needed an address. I knew he stalked my twitter nearly daily, so I knew he would see it. Even just having to get the jeep situation handled set me back on how much I had worked to overcome the trauma he caused me. Now after selling the vehicle to someone, I still feel like he has a target on my back. Ive moved so many times, Ive changed numbers a few times because he kept getting the number, I legally changed my name (since he doxxed my old dead name & info implicating my safety as an online sex worker, which I only became since he refused to work & keep a job to afford all the stuff he wanted), I started using new email accounts, I got a car he will never know what it is (but I still feel like I am being followed when I am on the road), he will never learn where I work (but they are aware of him just in case & know to call the cops if they see him), all he knows is where my mom lives & I have someone keeping an eye on her to protect her if they see him. With all of that, I don't feel safe. I know no amount of security, roommates & neighbors looking out, self-defense classes, gun training, etc NOTHING will let me feel safe because I know how much he stalked his exes while he was with me the entire time. I'm sure he still stalks them but some have taken some of the same steps as me & are safely hidden away from his abuse, but I still have an online presence so I can continue to make a living despite my physical limitations he has caused over the years. He ruined my life while I made him better. He SHOULD hate himself. He takes the best things that could have happened to him & turns them into the worst possible situations then he plays the victim after traumatizing & beating the girls who made his life better.
DeleteI've tried to move on with my life, these past two years I have seeked help for my depression & now the CPTSD, I'm getting help for the physical conditions caused by him, & working on having a future on my own when I could have already had it by now had I not dedicated so much of my life, time, & money to him. So, please ask yourself, what more could I have done for him. How could I have made him less violent no matter how hard I tried? What else could I have given him to make him happy? Because I did everything I could, provided everything I could for him. Even keeping up with work while my hand was broken, head swollen from the punches, & a severely injured back. Was I just supposed to die for him too??
I'd like to know your thoughts on all of this, how he was vs is now, well what you think you know or what he makes you believe. Obviously you know him some how, which I feel bad for you but also obviously you are aware of how he is, so hopefully you wont be manipulated like the others then screwed over in the end by him. Just be careful, if you are a guy you have less chance of the physical abuse, but he will mentally or emotionally abuse you. If you are a female, please run at the first sign of violence, please,you do not want to stick around for it, especially since he has been progressively getting worse over the years. Dont wait around like I did hoping for it to get better to only be left with nothing but debt, trauma, and lots of heartache. There is a post on my blog about warning signs and where to get help. I never knew help was an option (considering he moved me 1500 miles away from my family and never allowed me to make friends unless if he could have sex with them) but help IS an option and if you need it please seek it. No one deserves to be beaten and told its just love.
DeleteYou aren't wrong. I did everything you said but things was twisted in my mind. I had a mental break no excuses but it's what happened. I wanted you to have friends, I wanted to get out. I felt so trapped I felt like you didn't love me for a while. I think we got to a point we hated each other and would take it out. I don't want to do anything but help you heal. Beat me, hurt me, take my money. in any way you wish. I hate what I did more then you could ever know. I hate all of my actions that's not how a adult should every act. Reason I won't give up is you won't either. I saw z liked my Instagram post. I really ment when I said I wouldn't bother you. Why do that what did you gain from hurting me again. I love you I want you to be happy fear free. I was possibly the most trash human to the most wonderful girl. Yet I'm not allowed to make it right. If you faced me you would be over all this. There isn't a person in the world.i want in my life but you.. I know there is a long road to make things right. We probably will never be together again. But I can't sit back and let you dwell of the past. What do I have to do. If you want me dead then so be it. I miss you each day. There isn't a day I don't try and figure out what would be best. I'll take anything you do and still love you after it all. I've honestly not dated but one person in the last 3 years. I stopped all just trying to get with people years ago. So you know she cheated 2x on me in our first month. I'm threw dating my only thing I want is to take care of you. And your family. I love you till time stops.
ReplyDelete