Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Monday, April 1, 2024
update
This blog will soon become more than you ever expected.... just a lot less tits & ass.... this is really about to be life, lessons I learned, the people who hurt me, and everything I plan to become.
Monday, June 19, 2023
2023 has not been easy
As many may know the end of 2022 was difficult, my mom injured her back so I had to take over a lot for her and to help her, including everything she does for her sister, my aunt, with severe vascular dementia and only 50% of her body being functional (her entire left side is paralyzed from a stroke so she's wheelchair bound). I had hoped 2023 would have gotten easier once she recovered but honestly it got worse. My mom is back on her feet but has not been 100% better, and may not get back to 100%.
Throughout 2022 my migraines increasingly got worse to the point by 2023 I was having them daily, nonstop. Like one very long excruciating headache for weeks to months. Sleeping and eating was challenging. The pain made it almost impossible to focus or recall anything recent even minutes after the fact.
If that didn't seem hard enough life threw me a several curve balls, my other aunt and sister got covid. While I was not directly in physical contact with them I was still aiding them during their recovery period... while helping my mom and aunt with dementia. I had gotten sick, myself at some point but thankfully after a few weeks it passed. It wasn't covid or anything like that. My immune system just goes to shit when I'm overworked or over stressed.
Still don't think that's hard enough? Life said no. I usually helped my dad some throughout the week with some of his work stuff because he wasn't feeling too great, he thought it was just him getting older. But unfortunately he started to get worse. By this point I had filmed a few videos but came to a complete stop as my time and ability to film declined.
In March, my dad started to lose his voice, he was struggling to speak, more tired than usual. He thought it was bad allergies. Saw a few doctors, got different meds but no real change. Eventually in April he was ordered a chest CT and ultrasound. It was actually the friday on my sisters birthday weekend he received a call that the doctor urgently wanted him to come in.
The CT revealed several tumors throughout his lungs, well over a dozen, maybe even over 20. All varying in sizes. Most small but several large ones. This lead to more doctors and more scans. Finally he had a biopsy done on the largest tumor. And with that he received his diagnosis of stage 4 lung cancer. End stage. We went to an oncologist and was told that without chemo he most likely would not make it another 4-6 months.
After a lot of discussions, planning for the worst, and numerous visits to many doctors, at the end of May he started his first round of chemo. To keep it short I can only say chemo has not been easy on him. It has been torture. Slow drawn out painful and sickening torture. At the time of writing this he has done his second round of chemo, it doesn't seem to get easier for him. A week from now he will get a follow up CT scan to see if the chemo is making a difference.
If the chemo has yet to make a difference he may stop the treatment because of how hard it is on him. And this man is tough, he handles pain like a champ, but even this is defeating him. I've never seen him so defeated. I've seen him go through knee surgeries, hip replacement, a metal cage put in his back, and so much more as if it's a walk in the park for him. But not this. This is beyond his limits.
During this my uncle is also having health troubles of his own. I've been dividing my time up between 5 different family members, caring and working for them as best as I can. There are only two of us who are the "children" in the family here to care for them. But my sister has a family and a home to care for so she works 5 days a week like 8 to 5 I think so she's only available on the weekends to help, which is understandable, she has to do what she can to take care of herself and family.
This has left me to handle everything. Meaning i have given up working. I have not been making content or working on my photography. I have zero income coming in to aid me. Right now my job is caring for the family. I get paid just enough to cover my car note but the rest I have to make up with odd jobs for others. It's been exhausting. I don't even have time to promote my existing content. I hardly have time to respond to any messages. Hell I'm lucky if I can take care of my daily needs AND get enough sleep before getting up to take care of everyone.
I have been lucky enough to find myself a doctor who accepts uninsured patients through a charity program with many specialists and services to finally get help with my migraines. Thankfully my MRI came back normal, so nothing to worry there. I have started a monthly injection which I believe is making a difference and should be a drastic change from what I was dealing with in a few months.
This month I also got back on the depo shot so hopefully for a while I'll have some relief from my endometriosis until I can afford a hysterectomy. (But that eliminates the option for any shark week content now.)... physically I am improving but mentally I'm still deteriorating.
I realize that moving in with family AND caring for the family allows me zero time and peace for myself. My healing journey from the PTSD and DV has come to a halt being here, I'm still battling so much with it. I still have nightmares and flashbacks of the trauma I suffered from my abusive ex. I am just as scare and paranoid as I have always been. It's hard to move on or try to forget such a horrific time in my life. Being here just doesn't help, there's too much that triggers my PTSD, I am no longer able to make progress. I found some places nearby (I still need to be within the city to care for my family so unfortunately I can not leave yet) I want to move into but it's nearly impossible when I have no time to make content, nor does my existing content make enough for me to live off of. For weeks I don't get any cashouts and when I do it's the minimum. Never enough to cover bills. My credit cards look horrible from my emergency costs or paying bills with them. My goal is to somehow save enough for a few months rent to get a place so when I am home or have breaks from caretaking I can focus on my work. If I live alone I know I can turn almost anything into content with the right effort. It can be a while til that happens. But I still believe it can happen soon.
With this blog all I am asking for your support and patience during this treacherous time for me. I feel so alone. I have really only one friend who helps me regularly to help keep me afloat but with how everything is right now, it sometimes isn't enough and that's not something either of us can help. I'm steadily and slowly sinking.
All I can hope for is chemo to help my dad recover and go into remission. There has been talks of me helping him with work if he does go back to work but it won't be much money for me if I do get hired on since I can't provide the physical and experienced labor that is required for the job. I am looking into government programs that pay caregivers but the process is taking so much longer than expected.
As I write this throughout the day I'm also being reminded of the more minor troubles we have to deal with, from car issues to technology breaking to increasing bills and even animal problems. It just seems to get a bit worse, especially with hurricane season starting. Power outages, flooding, fallen branches, and just everything going on. It's been a constant struggle with anything and everything for months. I can't catch a break and all I want to do is get back to work because at least then I was mentally doing better having something I enjoyed to focus on and provide finances for me.
Maybe by the time I update my blog I will have a place of my own to work and relax in, it seems like a far stretch but I know it is possible, I just have to somehow keep pushing and working towards it.
Thank you for taking the time to read this if you did. I love and miss everyone of you so much I can't even begin to explain. My work and fans are my life so without them I feel like I don't even exist anymore.
Kiss kiss meow,
Kitty 💕
Monday, October 24, 2022
Phases
Making friends while having CPTSD is torture. I say friends because honestly I'm not ready, interested, or seeking any kind of emotional or physical relationship. I do wish to make friends, meet more people, live a relatively normal life. It's not easy. I actually hate the initial beginnings. My brain is so programmed to be used to specific outcomes that I'm unable to just let things happen. Instead I get caught up in my head.
I go through a range of emotions. At first nerves, of course. Meeting anyone even for a moment unnerves me. Even if I'm just placing an order or talking to a stranger in the store. That common social anxiety is there. For me it has been and will always be there since childhood. Nothing abnormal. But the first phase isn't the issue. Phase one I can easily work past. It's the phases that follow that are the issue.
Phase 2, worry or concern. Usually worried they will think I'm weird or they hate me. Look at just the surface of me, not knowing who I am, just assuming with what little they know or see. Sometimes I feel like people look down on me in shame or even pity. Even when they don't know my past. When they know my past phase 2 feels more intense. Like I'm always being judged. Labeled the stupid weak girl who would let a man treat her like a rag doll, over and over. It's embarrassing, humiliating to listen to my head tell me these things.
Phase 3, more worries and concerns, of course. They just take a different route. Instead of worrying about what they think of me I start to worry about what if they want something from me. Something more than a friendship. I'm an adult, adults like to have sex right? I feel like that's what would be normal, but I don't feel that way. It takes me a lot for casual touching like handshakes and hugs. I would sometimes rather be drenched in acid than to be touched in any way. I just can't do the physical stuff yet. I thought I was ready, but a hook up in spring proved otherwise so I KNOW I am far from ready.
Phase 3.5, it goes a step up than phase 3. Instead of being concerned that everyone wants to screw me, I start to worry if people will fall for me or think they are in love with me. Even those who know everything and accept whatever pace I heal at, I just sometimes start to feel like a couple of people feel entitled to be the person I end up in a relationship with when I'm ready. Even though they know I'm not looking or interested.
Phase 4, fear. My brain, body, and soul start cowering. There is no fight response, just straight up run. It's like all the hair standing up, heart races, paranoia overcomes me in many ways, my chest tightens. Something in me just tells me history will repeat itself. Everyone wants to use me, everyone wants to abuse me. This is all a set up to hurt me. No one cares as long as I benefit them, and if I don't benefit them they chew me up only to spit me out blaming me for it all.
Phase 5, detach. Once I've reached the 5th phase it's like everything shuts down. All emotions get numbed out. I just step back mentally and physically. Emotionally I become cold. All that exists is to play nice and get away. Cut ties, make some distance, let any positivity or negativity dissipate before it reaches me. All I know to do is to protect myself at all cost and usually detaching always takes place.
Phase 6, breakdown. If I've made it to this phase then it must be really serious at that point. Breakdown will be inevitable. All negative emotions from the previous phases hit me like a freight train, all emotions amplified. It's like I'm suffocating in my own skin just wanting everything to stop. Everything feels hopeless, lost, pointless, empty, worthless. I become engulfed in this cloud of darkness. Choking on air, words, tears, and emotions. At that point it feels impossible to continue. All I think about is just laying down and letting the weight crush me.
Then eventually... RESET. I recover, craving to be healed even more. I get back up and put the pieces together. Even if they don't fit I make them, until I feel close to whole again. Once I level back out again everything seems so easy and possible. Little by little I heal and grow stronger.
But, there will always be something that initiates the phases. It's to be expected, completely understandable given the circumstances of my CPTSD and the continuation of the trauma. Years of repeated abuse doesn't just heal up like an average wound. I just hope one day I stop and take a moment to realize it's been ages since I've slipped into any of the phases.
Kiss kiss meow,
Kitty <3
Saturday, June 4, 2022
28 Months (Trigger Warning)
It's been 28 months... 28 months since I left. 28 months since I signed that Protection From Abuse request. 28 months since I thought it would all finally stop. I can't tell if 28 months feels like the abuse was just yesterday or if 28 months feels like a long drawn out hell of stalking and harassment.
28 months is nowhere near enough time to heal. To recover from the inferno I once lived in for many many years. 28 months feels like seconds compared to the days and weeks of physical pain during the many healing processes from multiple occasions of abuse.
But then again, 28 months being attacked, doxxed, bullied, stalked, and harassed feels like eternity. The constant nagging feeling that I will never be free from the abuse until one of us is dead. But even then, I believe death would not be enough. He seems like the type to dig up my corpse to call his forever. Or worse, if he died, his spirit will haunt me for the rest of my life.
No matter how long 28 months feels, it can not explain everything I have dealt with during those months. Nightly terrors when I sleep. Every night I survive another fight for my life. Reliving memories I wish I could erase. I can officially say that dying in a dream does not equal death, in fact you can die many times over in a dream. Painfully.
Pharmaceutical relief was short-lived. At first the medication would just "calm" the dreams, make it hard to remember anything about them, it slowed my heart rate enough that when I woke with fright it wasn't always in a puddle of cold sweat, with confusion of where I was with my heart racing. Eventually I started to help less and less.
Then I started a new medication. It still "calms" the dreams, much less violence and fear, but it makes the dreams seem like one of those drug/acid/mushroom trips you see depicted in movies. Kind of like Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. But much more gore, kind of like From Dusk to Dawn or something. And I will remember most details in the strangest ways. Or some details being so realistic I question if it happened or not.
Soon I will arrange an appointment with my doc again to see if there are any other options because having these nightly dream/terror trips are just as exhausting as having the "directors cut" rated MA blood bath B-movies. Hopefully then I can finally get some rest. I once used to love sleep when I was younger, now it's the one thing I dread.
Aside from the dreams... 28 months is nowhere enough time to overcome the fear, the constant urge to hide, the paranoia, flashbacks, triggers, and even the recovery of physical wounds. You would think 28 months could be enough time. It's not. Especially when there are so many countless triggers that send me spiraling back into that trauma space. 28 months might as well be 28 years or 28 days. It doesn't matter.
All that matters is I take those 28 months and continue to keep adding more months of working towards healing. I'll keep trying anything and everything I can to recover from my dark past. The path of finding myself and my strength is long, but it is a path I will continue on for the rest of my life, whether it's 28 days, months, years, or decades. This is my path to follow.
Kiss kiss meow,
Kitty <3
First of the roll, expired 1990's 120 film w/ Mamiya 645 camera
I couldn't edit this image aside from adding the watermark.
The imperfection in this image is enough to make it a perfect shot.
I couldn't edit this image aside from adding the watermark.
The imperfection in this image is enough to make it a perfect shot.
#KristopherVise #JackMaxell
Thursday, June 2, 2022
Little Worlds
For most of my life I was always fascinated with insects, flowers, and so many things on such a small scale like that. I've been experimenting with macro photography. Zoomed in and so close to tiny creatures like that is like looking at a whole new world. There is always so much moving and living around us that sometimes we would never notice if we didn't take the time to look.
Recently we have been getting out more and taking photos while we are out. One of our favorite trails is a simple 2-ish mile trek. For us it's like opening a door into our own wonderland where we get to spot mysterious plants and living organisms. Yes, we took forever to get through the trail but that was the point. We wanted to go out there and just take our time to see what all we could see. And of course we will soon go back again because the creatures and scenery are always changing as the seasons continue on.
Below I will attach some of the images I have captured of this wonderful macro world we roam. First I have to note, I am not using some kind of ultra zoom lens. I am using an 18-55mm lens, sometimes with my macro/wide-angle attachment, but with or without the attachment I have to get so close to the subject, which for us it can actually be easy. Just go slow and patiently. Have patience with the subject and they will stop panicking long enough to sit still while they try to figure out what that big black shiny thing is in their little faces.
Sometimes you even get to see the personality of the creatures around you in their own little worlds. Sometimes you also notice they too are looking at you in wonder and curiosity. Most of the time it's that understanding you have to share with them, that "Hey, I'm not here to hurt you, you don't have to hurt me. Lets just look at each other." lol I really have no other way to explain it. It's just a shared understanding gained while slowly approaching them.
^ FYI, THIS IS FIREFLY LARVA!!! 😲 ^
Going on walks or photography adventures can be very therapeutic. You should give it a try.
Kiss kiss meow,
Kitty <3
Saturday, May 21, 2022
Commitment
Commitment... Something I have tried often, failed even after long periods of it. I never quite knew why. Why is commitment so hard for me? Starting early on I've had commitments including committing to someone who I thought I would live the rest of my life with, only to be cheated on. Committing to school to eventually go to college for many degrees, but breaking my commitment due to unforeseen health issues forcing me to give up entirely at the time. I've tried committing to my first online business, but after barely making any money and a relationship distracting me from it I had to give it up. Other commitments have just ended up being too small to be considered a commitment or from very toxic experiences.
How do I feel about commitment now? Well, I definitely don't want to seek it relationship-wise. But commitments aren't just relationships, they can come in many forms. Without reading the definition, what do things do you define as commitment? Most we don't ever really think of, most of the time we just think of it in the relationship aspect. Committing to another person. It is so much more than that.
Definitions of commitmentthe act of binding yourself (intellectually or emotionally) to a course of action
“his long commitment to public service”
synonyms:
allegiance, dedication, loyalty
(source: Vocabulary.com definition)
Commitments can be small and mundane, such as committing to a better sleep schedule. Committing to finish something by a deadline. Committing to eat healthier. What about exercising? That's a common failed commitment. Committing to drinking enough water every day. Getting your hair or nails done (home or salon) every month? That's a commitment! Really, commitments can be all kinds of things. Big or small, for pleasure, or for betterment. Commitment is everywhere. It's just sometimes easier to make some commitments for some people.
I know I have struggled with a few commitments in my life. Sleep has been the longest running, even with the help of doctors when I was a little kid I could not keep a proper sleep schedule like all the other kids. Relationship, that's obviously been a struggle, but I'm giving up that struggle, mostly because I already have a few ideal commitments I want to commit to before I try to bring anyone else into my life like that. How can I fully commit to someone if I can't even commit to anything for myself??
What kind of commitments am I struggling to keep right now? Sleep schedule still of course. But also fitness. I want to commit to working out but I always find ways out of it. I just want to make my body a bit more fit. I am also having a hard time committing to projects. I am always doubting myself so I just give up halfway through. Self-care, that is probably the hardest commitment I am struggling with at this moment.
Why is self-care such a challenge?? I've been told by my counselor to start spending at least an hour for self-care for myself because of how spread thin I am from my daily life. But half the time I can't even get the motivation to go to my room and start working on self-care. Plus what the hell would I even do? I don't even really know where to start when it comes to self-care. I have some ideas but I am kind of limited right now. Maybe I can somehow make working out, sleeping right, and self-care all one commitment, but I have no clue how. I really don't know where to start.
There are so many commitments I want to make with myself to better myself and improve my future, but I keep failing at them. So in all reality how am I in a position to have a commitment to another human being if I can not push myself to even commit to something for myself? If I can't commit to myself, no one should expect me to commit to another person. Commitments with myself are hard, commitments with others just feels impossible when I can't give myself what I need. A commitment to myself to have an amazing life should be easy, right? Why does it have to be so hard? There is so much I want to have a consistent ritual of to better myself but it just feels like it's impossible to commit for longer than a few months.
My main issue is I really have zero control of the time in my life, so much outside forces affect how and when things play out, so I barely have any way to set a schedule for myself and my commitments. Plus it feels like all the selfish self-care stuff takes too much time, or costs a lot, or takes a lot of energy. Without being a selfish cunt (pardon my language) it wouldn't be easy for me to set time aside literally for myself. How I was raised, self-care is just selfishness for people who have money.
Don't get me wrong, I really wish I commit to some things. Better sleep schedule, daily workouts, daily skin/hair/body care, weekly projects, going out for photography more often, staying hydrated, so many things. But for some reason I can't ever fully commit. I keep finding excuses. I blame my time on others, lack of money because I'm wasting time self-caring instead of working, etc. Somewhere in my dysfunctional mind, things just don't work right for commitments. If I had money I would hire people like personal trainers and stuff, maybe then I would commit better. I need a solid experienced helping hand sometimes lol. Maybe if I had someone who was committed to these things that I would love to commit to and were trying to help me commit, maybe then it would work, I don't know, never had anyone who gave a shit about what I want to do or commit to that I know of lol..
I haven't been able to stick to many commitments. I have been able to keep sticking to my nightly routine of cleaning and wearing my retainers for the past 2 years, but that's about it really. I try to keep up with soothing music while I sleep to help with the nightmares, but some nights it doesn't happen. Even when it comes to my medication I've had some hiccups with it. Whether the medicine was affecting me badly or I went without due to money or the doctor's office not calling it in soon enough. Same with my vitamins, I can't always afford them. There are so many factors disrupting my sleep that I give up on a decent sleeping schedule.
Everything is just so complicated. I want to commit but I guess my commitments are elsewhere, nowhere beneficial for me I guess. Maybe this time next year I will have actually kept a commitment to work out some and maybe take care of myself more, I guess. I don't know honestly, it's easier to keep up commitments for others, just not for myself. I am always committing to other routines for people, it seems easier, just never for myself. Maybe this time next year I will read this and still be wishing I could stick to a commitment to help myself.
Here is hoping I can figure out some kind of beneficial commitment to help me out. I really do want to make these commitments, but obviously not enough to stick with them when things get rocky. Things will always be rocky. Life is not getting easier for me, far from it. I wish I could find some ease. Maybe one day I will find the right routine to commit to and it will make life easier, but for now it feels like personal commitments are impossible. Until then, I will keep trying to find what sticks.
Kiss kiss meow,
Kitty <3
Thursday, May 19, 2022
A letter to my past self
Dear me in 2004,
Hi, it's me, well you from 2022. Yes, despite our previous expectations we have survived past 18. No, things did not get easier, far from it, kiddo. But it's not all bad! Yes, you walked through hell many times, but somehow managed to pull yourself out every single time. You saw and experienced so much pain, but you learned how to push through and keep going. You know not all pain lasts forever, and sometimes it's going to hurt like a bitch getting through some of the things we put up with. The suffering was not for nothing. You eventually found refuge in your hardships, somehow managing to convince yourself that you learned something from such agonizing moments in life. Now as you are older you are finding comfort in the tiniest things, that have ALWAYS been there, you just never thought to take the time to look and discover the world around you. This life will one day be what you and I both hoped it to be. Regardless of how you feel about yourself now, one day you will hopefully find you are the best thing to have ever experienced in life.
You want specifics? I can't tell you everything because it's too late to change the past, but that's a good thing. You wouldn't become this strong amazing woman if you had all the answers and smoothed out the path to your future. Through your trials of life you have learned how to view everything in many dimensions, you accept that people who are being complete jerks or just bad at their job, could be having a bad day or could be hired because you can't discriminate against intelligence or the disables. You learn that just because something is inconveniencing you doesn't mean it's not inconveniencing others, so why treat someone like shit when you don't even know if a tiny fraction could be their fault, And you never know how your actions or treatment towards someone would affect them. You learn that a simple phrase can take someone's life away, that sometimes someone needs that tiny push over the edge. How would you feel if you were rude to someone and you were the reason they went home and killed themselves. You couldn't stand it. It would eat you alive. So prevent it by treating everyone nicely, even if they were rude to you.
Time... Sometimes it feels like you have a lot of it and other times it feels like a race against the clock. But you have to remember, time is an illusion. Yes, sometimes 5 years doesn't seem far away but sometimes 5 days is just way too soon. If you change what happens (your perspective) sometimes 5 days isn't soon enough and 5 years is too soon. Time is all about how you challenge it. A lot of times there will be enough time during the day for what you want to do but you will often tell yourself you are running out of time. Time is irrelevant, all that matters is the dedication YOU put in. Time will keep ticking, with or without you. So why blame the time for your incompetence. If you had not picked the easy way out and actually pushed yourself instead of constantly doubting yourself, you could have gotten yourself somewhere quicker in life. But instead you let time hold you back because you would rather wait around for someone's approval or appreciation. How can you accept approval or appreciation after waiting all that time when you could have just thrived instead of seeking approval and appreciation.
Love, it's a ridiculous thing. It's pointless aside from the learning lessons. You will always be a hopeless romantic. You will believe “The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.” (—Eden Ahbez), yet to this day you have not found that unconditional love in return from another human being. You give it away, but you haven't received it YET. (I'll check back in another 10 years) All the relationships you had up until now, sucked! Love is not what you think it is. Love should not hurt. You will love many over the years, give your fragile heart to a few people who refused to handle it with care. For many years you will endure relationships where you are used, cheated on, lied too, abused, and worst of all you will lose pieces of yourself in each relationship. Each relationship will leave you missing the last because they always just seem to keep getting worse and worse. But I will tell you, 2004 me, that you will love, and give your love away, but even now you will reminisce about the relationship you are experiencing in 2004. But you won't ever forget your 2004 love, he was the best after all. Later down the road, your fiance was incredible, such a sweet little love story, but shit happens. You move on, find something acceptable. Miss everything from before while you live in your darker less loving relationships. It's okay to miss something so comforting, something that was the best and never was replaced. Though I have to let you in on a secret, even though your 2004 love of your life makes you happy, works, has their own car plus an apartment, and knows how to put you first, it doesn't mean they wont hurt you, they were just the lesser of all the evils you will face. Even though love is painful, it's still something to share with the world. This world could use all the love it can get.
Work... I bet if I told you that you could somehow manage to work and bring in enough to pay rent, bills, groceries, auto stuff, squirrel stuff, and other BS someone wants while you struggle with your mental and physical health, you wouldn't believe it? Well guess what, living with a broke lazy MF taught you how to hustle and make sure everything is paid for along with making the man-child happy with whatever bullshit he wanted to that day. Doesn't sound pleasant, but trust me it would make you proud to know just how well you can do in your future. All the more reason why you should start working sooner, if you could. And when you are working hard, don't ever let others take advantage of you. I know you want to help others and make people happy, but there are other ways without making yourself broke or breaking yourself in the process. Remember, if your busted ass can work and provide, then anyone else who "cares" about you, can do the same; work and provide. Don't be the savior, if you want to help, push them to help themselves, not push you to do everything for them.
Be you. Really. Just be your fucking self. Don't be who everyone else wants you to be. Don't worry about others thinking you are weird. Don't even worry about pissing people off because you want to do or be something. There is no point in living through life having to contain who you are. Be who you are. As a song says "Then I heard the voice of God She said, 'be yourself or don't be anything' ". your essence. Don't bottle it up. And guess what, if no one is happy with who you are, then fuck them, they don't care about you, just who they want you to be. If they can't put up with you no matter what kind of day it is, then you shouldn't put up with them. Like the beautiful Marilyn Monroe says "... If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."... So, that means if someone can't handle you on your shitty days and they want to act like you're the problem, TO HELL WITH THEM. If they can't put the effort in to tolerate you on your bad days, then most likely you won't be good enough for them on your good days, also meaning, why the hell do you want to make yourself believe you deserve them?? Be yourself. Fuck what others think. Put YOU first. Because no one will ever put you first if you don't put yourself first.
Another thing about being you. People will come around and try to shape you to fit their idealist person. They will try to warp your thoughts or opinion on things. Try to change things you like or don't like. Make you think people are against you. Make you think your gut is wrong. Trust your gut. Trust people, but never to the max. Just learn and understand the red flags. Red flags don't meant 'get the fuck out' they just mean be very careful, approach with caution. Always stick to your core values. Stick to what you feel is right.
Depression... Pretty much your closest friend. Something you will always know, you know it well in 2004 and you know it well now in 2022. There is no escaping it. It's hard to fix without drug trials (and errors). You're going to deal with it no matter what. It's in your DNA and it was imprinted on you during all the traumatic stuff you witnessed early on in life. But until you can find the right person or people, it is always going to be a battle. There really isn't any way around it. Your chemicals are fucked, your situation is mostly fucked, and the world is fucked all leading you to a brain with fucked up thoughts, but you are not the problem. Good news is, you eventually give up on giving up. No more trying to end your life. Though you will at times believe this is all what you deserve so you should live through it, but most of the time you realize that if you fix your brain then you can find the beauty in everything and won't want to cut that life line. I don't know if this has ever been said but I will say it now, being depressed isn't a fault, it's merely a different perspective. You will learn more about that perspective as you experience. Don't despise it, you did for a little while. Also remember, no one will ever be happy with you if you are never happy with you. You and many other humans project their self-hate making them believe others hate themselves. You have to learn your worth to make sure others value just as high, if not higher.
You need to take yourself seriously with photography. Take classes if you need to. You know you love it and obsess over it, JUST DO IT and go all the way. Don't doubt yourself, because art is art and no matter what no one person can actually say what is or is not art. Take a bad picture? Turn it into art. You can make anything into art. If you have an idea that you know you can pull off, DO IT! If you have an idea that could work but you're not sure, DOOO ITTT! If you have an idea you want to do but know it wont work out, JUST DO IT! Also one day "Do it!" will be a joke that you will understand, but do it. Invest in more equipment early on and experiment with it before a big project. Stop waiting till the last minute to test out anything new. Even learn how to repair cameras so you can maybe have some of the high end cameras you want. Also next year, valentines of 2005, a new website where you can share your "home videos" will be created and it gets BIG, so make sure to test it out some by making some of the videos you have had ideas for, or at least keep an eye out for videos you can learn from. Another little secret, film and darkroom photography is so much easier than you thought it was!
Patience... You had good patience for your age, but over time after some tedious BS later in life your patience starts to wear thin. Don't let it. Just keep having patience. Good things really do come to those who wait. Don't give up on yourself in the meantime. Think of it like a video game, during some stages you cant enter until you level up so you have to keep playing stages over and over to build up experience points. Or when you purposely hold yourself back repeating a stage over and over mastering it before you move up to the next stage. I know you know what I mean. "Anekico ler aracnia". But know when the patience should end for some situations. "Ki mi ypomonitikosi teleson semerie".
Get out there and experience what YOU want to experience. Stop doing what people want to do and never do what you want to do. You end up missing out more on what you want. In a good way you are delighted by some of the simplest, sometimes boring but not really kind of things. Museums, art exhibits, botanical gardens, grand canyon, you name it you can do it. "Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the grey twilight that knows not victory nor defeat." It's not weird to be alone in places like that. If anyone asks, just give them some mysterious answer. Make it a game to see who believes it or not. You might meet some interesting people that way in places like that.
One last thing before I wrap this up... Just realize you can be worth a lot to people, and you should only have people around who treat you well. If they treat you wrong, just walk away. It might seem hard or scary but it is easy and possible. Get out before you get used and abused, but never stop trying to find new people in life. Not everyone is a monster. There are many unique people in life that you will befriend. It also works the other way around. I know I don't really have to tell you, but here is a reminder for those really bad days where people in public just suck. If you treat people right, they will treat you right. Not all the time, but even some surprising people could help you out just because you were nice to them. Also, don't lose your patience with some people that you can tell are trying really hard but other things are getting to them making it an inconvenience for everyone, don't add to that stress.
Sincerely with so much love,
You from 2022
(Photo taken by me, prints available at THATKittyMoon.RedBubble.com)
Hi, it's me, well you from 2022. Yes, despite our previous expectations we have survived past 18. No, things did not get easier, far from it, kiddo. But it's not all bad! Yes, you walked through hell many times, but somehow managed to pull yourself out every single time. You saw and experienced so much pain, but you learned how to push through and keep going. You know not all pain lasts forever, and sometimes it's going to hurt like a bitch getting through some of the things we put up with. The suffering was not for nothing. You eventually found refuge in your hardships, somehow managing to convince yourself that you learned something from such agonizing moments in life. Now as you are older you are finding comfort in the tiniest things, that have ALWAYS been there, you just never thought to take the time to look and discover the world around you. This life will one day be what you and I both hoped it to be. Regardless of how you feel about yourself now, one day you will hopefully find you are the best thing to have ever experienced in life.
You want specifics? I can't tell you everything because it's too late to change the past, but that's a good thing. You wouldn't become this strong amazing woman if you had all the answers and smoothed out the path to your future. Through your trials of life you have learned how to view everything in many dimensions, you accept that people who are being complete jerks or just bad at their job, could be having a bad day or could be hired because you can't discriminate against intelligence or the disables. You learn that just because something is inconveniencing you doesn't mean it's not inconveniencing others, so why treat someone like shit when you don't even know if a tiny fraction could be their fault, And you never know how your actions or treatment towards someone would affect them. You learn that a simple phrase can take someone's life away, that sometimes someone needs that tiny push over the edge. How would you feel if you were rude to someone and you were the reason they went home and killed themselves. You couldn't stand it. It would eat you alive. So prevent it by treating everyone nicely, even if they were rude to you.
Time... Sometimes it feels like you have a lot of it and other times it feels like a race against the clock. But you have to remember, time is an illusion. Yes, sometimes 5 years doesn't seem far away but sometimes 5 days is just way too soon. If you change what happens (your perspective) sometimes 5 days isn't soon enough and 5 years is too soon. Time is all about how you challenge it. A lot of times there will be enough time during the day for what you want to do but you will often tell yourself you are running out of time. Time is irrelevant, all that matters is the dedication YOU put in. Time will keep ticking, with or without you. So why blame the time for your incompetence. If you had not picked the easy way out and actually pushed yourself instead of constantly doubting yourself, you could have gotten yourself somewhere quicker in life. But instead you let time hold you back because you would rather wait around for someone's approval or appreciation. How can you accept approval or appreciation after waiting all that time when you could have just thrived instead of seeking approval and appreciation.
Love, it's a ridiculous thing. It's pointless aside from the learning lessons. You will always be a hopeless romantic. You will believe “The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.” (—Eden Ahbez), yet to this day you have not found that unconditional love in return from another human being. You give it away, but you haven't received it YET. (I'll check back in another 10 years) All the relationships you had up until now, sucked! Love is not what you think it is. Love should not hurt. You will love many over the years, give your fragile heart to a few people who refused to handle it with care. For many years you will endure relationships where you are used, cheated on, lied too, abused, and worst of all you will lose pieces of yourself in each relationship. Each relationship will leave you missing the last because they always just seem to keep getting worse and worse. But I will tell you, 2004 me, that you will love, and give your love away, but even now you will reminisce about the relationship you are experiencing in 2004. But you won't ever forget your 2004 love, he was the best after all. Later down the road, your fiance was incredible, such a sweet little love story, but shit happens. You move on, find something acceptable. Miss everything from before while you live in your darker less loving relationships. It's okay to miss something so comforting, something that was the best and never was replaced. Though I have to let you in on a secret, even though your 2004 love of your life makes you happy, works, has their own car plus an apartment, and knows how to put you first, it doesn't mean they wont hurt you, they were just the lesser of all the evils you will face. Even though love is painful, it's still something to share with the world. This world could use all the love it can get.
Work... I bet if I told you that you could somehow manage to work and bring in enough to pay rent, bills, groceries, auto stuff, squirrel stuff, and other BS someone wants while you struggle with your mental and physical health, you wouldn't believe it? Well guess what, living with a broke lazy MF taught you how to hustle and make sure everything is paid for along with making the man-child happy with whatever bullshit he wanted to that day. Doesn't sound pleasant, but trust me it would make you proud to know just how well you can do in your future. All the more reason why you should start working sooner, if you could. And when you are working hard, don't ever let others take advantage of you. I know you want to help others and make people happy, but there are other ways without making yourself broke or breaking yourself in the process. Remember, if your busted ass can work and provide, then anyone else who "cares" about you, can do the same; work and provide. Don't be the savior, if you want to help, push them to help themselves, not push you to do everything for them.
Be you. Really. Just be your fucking self. Don't be who everyone else wants you to be. Don't worry about others thinking you are weird. Don't even worry about pissing people off because you want to do or be something. There is no point in living through life having to contain who you are. Be who you are. As a song says "Then I heard the voice of God She said, 'be yourself or don't be anything' ". your essence. Don't bottle it up. And guess what, if no one is happy with who you are, then fuck them, they don't care about you, just who they want you to be. If they can't put up with you no matter what kind of day it is, then you shouldn't put up with them. Like the beautiful Marilyn Monroe says "... If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."... So, that means if someone can't handle you on your shitty days and they want to act like you're the problem, TO HELL WITH THEM. If they can't put the effort in to tolerate you on your bad days, then most likely you won't be good enough for them on your good days, also meaning, why the hell do you want to make yourself believe you deserve them?? Be yourself. Fuck what others think. Put YOU first. Because no one will ever put you first if you don't put yourself first.
Another thing about being you. People will come around and try to shape you to fit their idealist person. They will try to warp your thoughts or opinion on things. Try to change things you like or don't like. Make you think people are against you. Make you think your gut is wrong. Trust your gut. Trust people, but never to the max. Just learn and understand the red flags. Red flags don't meant 'get the fuck out' they just mean be very careful, approach with caution. Always stick to your core values. Stick to what you feel is right.
Depression... Pretty much your closest friend. Something you will always know, you know it well in 2004 and you know it well now in 2022. There is no escaping it. It's hard to fix without drug trials (and errors). You're going to deal with it no matter what. It's in your DNA and it was imprinted on you during all the traumatic stuff you witnessed early on in life. But until you can find the right person or people, it is always going to be a battle. There really isn't any way around it. Your chemicals are fucked, your situation is mostly fucked, and the world is fucked all leading you to a brain with fucked up thoughts, but you are not the problem. Good news is, you eventually give up on giving up. No more trying to end your life. Though you will at times believe this is all what you deserve so you should live through it, but most of the time you realize that if you fix your brain then you can find the beauty in everything and won't want to cut that life line. I don't know if this has ever been said but I will say it now, being depressed isn't a fault, it's merely a different perspective. You will learn more about that perspective as you experience. Don't despise it, you did for a little while. Also remember, no one will ever be happy with you if you are never happy with you. You and many other humans project their self-hate making them believe others hate themselves. You have to learn your worth to make sure others value just as high, if not higher.
You need to take yourself seriously with photography. Take classes if you need to. You know you love it and obsess over it, JUST DO IT and go all the way. Don't doubt yourself, because art is art and no matter what no one person can actually say what is or is not art. Take a bad picture? Turn it into art. You can make anything into art. If you have an idea that you know you can pull off, DO IT! If you have an idea that could work but you're not sure, DOOO ITTT! If you have an idea you want to do but know it wont work out, JUST DO IT! Also one day "Do it!" will be a joke that you will understand, but do it. Invest in more equipment early on and experiment with it before a big project. Stop waiting till the last minute to test out anything new. Even learn how to repair cameras so you can maybe have some of the high end cameras you want. Also next year, valentines of 2005, a new website where you can share your "home videos" will be created and it gets BIG, so make sure to test it out some by making some of the videos you have had ideas for, or at least keep an eye out for videos you can learn from. Another little secret, film and darkroom photography is so much easier than you thought it was!
Patience... You had good patience for your age, but over time after some tedious BS later in life your patience starts to wear thin. Don't let it. Just keep having patience. Good things really do come to those who wait. Don't give up on yourself in the meantime. Think of it like a video game, during some stages you cant enter until you level up so you have to keep playing stages over and over to build up experience points. Or when you purposely hold yourself back repeating a stage over and over mastering it before you move up to the next stage. I know you know what I mean. "Anekico ler aracnia". But know when the patience should end for some situations. "Ki mi ypomonitikosi teleson semerie".
Get out there and experience what YOU want to experience. Stop doing what people want to do and never do what you want to do. You end up missing out more on what you want. In a good way you are delighted by some of the simplest, sometimes boring but not really kind of things. Museums, art exhibits, botanical gardens, grand canyon, you name it you can do it. "Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the grey twilight that knows not victory nor defeat." It's not weird to be alone in places like that. If anyone asks, just give them some mysterious answer. Make it a game to see who believes it or not. You might meet some interesting people that way in places like that.
One last thing before I wrap this up... Just realize you can be worth a lot to people, and you should only have people around who treat you well. If they treat you wrong, just walk away. It might seem hard or scary but it is easy and possible. Get out before you get used and abused, but never stop trying to find new people in life. Not everyone is a monster. There are many unique people in life that you will befriend. It also works the other way around. I know I don't really have to tell you, but here is a reminder for those really bad days where people in public just suck. If you treat people right, they will treat you right. Not all the time, but even some surprising people could help you out just because you were nice to them. Also, don't lose your patience with some people that you can tell are trying really hard but other things are getting to them making it an inconvenience for everyone, don't add to that stress.
Sincerely with so much love,
You from 2022
Tuesday, April 19, 2022
It's been awhile, here is a little update. (tried to keep it positive)
Some TRIGGER WARNING, briefly mentions topics regarding DV and abuse.
August marks 2 years since I last blogged, no sense in waiting till then. Comments and a surge in views has brought me back to this little corner of my online world. I kinda left you all on a cliffhanger with the DV blogs, huh? I hope it helped anyone who may have needed help with that topic/situation. I don't want to be so gloomy in this post so I wont put all the negative stuff here, maybe some other time so that way others can know what to expect after leaving an abusive situation. This post is going to be more positive and about all the good things I have experienced since leaving that horrible relationship. From now on I will try to update more often, regardless of if it is positive or not. I felt like it was not very safe to post here for awhile. But I am taking my blog back and going to try to blog more often... Unless if you, my readers, want me to vlogs on youtube instead, might start doing that. Let me know your thoughts. I think I have only done one vlog (well voice over while I painted) video.
Well for starters I have found a new best friend (the lovely Valencia Vulpes) in someone I met so many years ago but rarely had contact with. In fact, he did most of the talking to her while I was with him because I couldn't talk to many people outside of work & customers/fans. I feel like she is my other half, we are so alike and have the same dreams/goals. So not only did I find a best friend in her I found a business partner, perfect roomie, and someone I can learn from or learn with. She has helped me beat my fear of spiders by educating me and showing different ones to me so I could learn or interact with them. I've only been able to handle, yes physically handle, small jumping spiders. And feeding them is actually enjoyable haha. Eventually we will work towards larger spiders, like tarantulas
We also started taking some classes. Our favorite class is the Darkroom class, it was fun and simple, but eventually we do hope to have our own darkroom since we both still shot film. Hopefully one day we will have an enlarger so we can make our own prints. We have also been collecting old cameras. Soon I will learn how to repair them and get them back to working. Some are digital and some are film. I do have a wonderful working 1st generation Mamiya 645 film camera. I love it even though I can only shoot 15 frames with it. It takes wonderful photos. I can't wait to see how the other cameras shoot.
On top of all that I have been learning about cameras I have also started my own photography business. I did some volunteer work with an animal rescue in my hometown, it was so fun working with all those furry models. I can not explain how awesome it is to sit in the middle of a room and be covered in kittens/cats begging for affection. Honestly, it is incredible... I don't get many gigs at the moment but I have had some awesome ones. I haven't done much since I got sick a few months ago, I'm just now getting back to work. Recovery has been rough but I did study a lot while I was on bed rest. I have been having some complications with advertising online for my photography, my ex has tried to contact me through it, so for now I am sticking with local/by word of mouth advertising, it really makes it a challenge.
Because of my photography business I have done a lot of traveling, which just makes me love what I do even more. I have seen so many new things, photographed things I never could before. I have advanced so much with my photography during these two years. Every time I am taking photos my appreciation just grows. I want to see and learn it all, anything to do with cameras or photography I want to be involved in it. Photography is my life. I could never give it up. I am so thankful and I feel blessed that photography is the one and only thing I was allowed for so long. Without photography I don't think I could have kept going in life against the odds. Throughout my photographer journey I have made some interesting friends who dabble with all kinds of styles of photography and all types of cameras or equipment. I do wish I could have plunged into the photography world sooner but I will not regret any moment I have now with photography. I don't think I could ever envision life without cameras or photography, it would be like life without air.
Valencia and I also have a ton of upcoming projects once we get a little bit of spending money in our pockets (you know, because bills always come first) so hopefully soon we will have some awesome creative things to show you. I don't want to give away too much detail but we will try to BTS the creative processes. I don't think I have ever encountered anyone else in my life who I can look at and just have a thousand ideas run through my head. She will not only be my model but she will also help when I model in front of the camera, this way my work won't be as self-shot and will have many better angles or just all around be better that what I could produce with a tripod and a remote. Plus we will be DIY'ing a lot of the props and wardrobes for our projects.
I've been doing other work outside of SW & photography. I do social work for the elderly and/or disabled who are not 100% independent. I do anything from basic cleaning, shopping, errands, to very deep exhausting house cleaning and yard work, some medical stuff, and other odds and ends. It does not pay much but I do enjoy the people I meet, and sometimes the perks are nice, the current hoard clean up I am working on has some old cameras and the client is letting me keep them. I also get to keep some of the wife's cookware if any are usable, we just started in the kitchen/dining area. I also get to dig up any plants outside. The client and their family is unable to care for the property and no longer lives there just needs it cleaned out before demolition, I have to sift through the hoard and rubble to find anything that may have value to the client, only have a list of what might be there and what to do with it but not an actual list. Some things are trash, some will go to goodwill, some will go into their storage (thankfully I will probably never have to see or deal with what could be in storage), and some I can keep though there isn't much I would keep aside of the camera stuff.
Sometimes my job is a big ordeal, but some days it is just being there to keep the client company. It's very enjoyable, especially hearing old war stories or childhood tales. I've learned a lot from many of my clients. Though some clients are not so coherent or aware of much of what is going on. I have learned a lot about dementia since starting. Dementia is not just a struggle for the patient but also with their families. Their families suffer so much. The patients lose.all real logic, memory, and understanding. I don't want to go into depth of the things I have witnessed as I feel it can cross the line to shaming someone. The real shame is these people once worked hard and paid their taxes, tried to have the american dream of retiring, but life doesn't work like that. Social security doesn't really pay or help them. Some can get $17 in monthly food stamps, wtf? I will not get started on the healthcare these people have to put up with. You would think if someone worked so hard for their whole life they would end up in better places. And it's just terrible that such a disease and many others like it can take over humans, trapping them in an eternal hell, most of the time dragging their families along.
I also took a food sensitivity test to find out exactly what has been causing me problems, and all I can admit to eating often (egg whites, chicken, ginger, parsley, and others. Now that I know what to avoid I can find and try almost any recipe. Needless to say, I have been the house chef for a while now. We eat really good, a lot of meal prepping so we can find the best deals on meats for low prices, but only good quality meats. I've made many restaurant copycat recipes, often tweaking them to make them better. Everyone who has tried my cooking loves it, no matter how healthy it sounds lol. I also prepare oven ready/freezer to oven meals for a few clients so they can easily enjoy home cooked meals. Valencia and I have also been experimenting with natural food color. It's nice finding ways to add a little color to our lives without me having a reaction to the dyes. I wish we had these options when I was growing up.
On the subject of food, I no longer look like a skeleton, I have finally gained weight. I still have some dietary issues from food tolerance issues but I am currently dealing with the mental aspect of it. My ex would sometimes jokingly call me a fat ass, I was okay with that, taking it as a joke. But when I was drastically under weight, I had weighed 105lbs, POUNDS, (I am 5ft 7in) I was barely anything, I had no muscle, I was weak, malnourished, and always sick from the shitty food he wanted to eat. He was such a picky eater, to him everything I cooked was prison food. But I had to suffer. He didn't like when we had to get food from different places. With as weak as I was, I rarely had the energy to cook for just myself when he would get take out, so I might as well since I was paying for the take out or fast food. Still he would point out my "cottage cheese ass" or tell me often how I need to work out, practically pointing out every flaw on me that could be caused by even a 1lb weight change. Told me a few times if I got fat he would leave me, lol I should have just gotten fat. So even though I would laugh at the fat ass jokes the other things he would say would stick in the back of my head. Even now... I am now a healthy weight, I'm proud of it, but I'm still not used to or fully comfortable with seeing this new body. All the past shaming has really screwed up my self confidence, I didn't really have it from the start, but now it just doesn't seem like it exists. I look at myself and I just hear his words in my head putting me down for how I look. Now not only do I have to deal with the CPTSD, conditioning, depression, ext I also now struggle with my body image more than I ever have in my life...
That wasn't very positive... The positive aspect is I am now at a healthy weight, I am almost happy with it, but above all I am proud of myself. I've even been doing it with healthy foods, it's not like I eat fast food or junk food, that stuff makes me sick. I just cook fresh and from scratch. I also mostly like my butt haha, it's nice and juicy, despite the inner combat from the conditioning. Im working on getting over it and loving every single inch of my body, perfect or flawed. It is my body and it has allowed me to somehow survive this long. I appreciate it for the mental or physical strength it provides me to carry on. Some pains remind me of how close I came to death (intentional or accidental, may never know, that's okay) and some parts remind me that just because I was not born with a perfect body, it doesn't mean everything is impossible.
I finally got 3 new tattoos. I now have a total of 4. My first and oldest tattoo is still there, that will be a future project. As for the new ones, I have one on my wrist as a permanent reminder to myself, it has a very deep meaning to me so that will be something I would have to dedicate a new blog to. I did get a tattoo honoring my love of flying squirrels and that my babies will always be with me, alive or waiting at the rainbow bridge for me. I have a snake slithering up my foot and leg, it's a reminder of someone, that one is also a very sentimental and personal one that would have to have a blog too. I have a few other ideas for tattoos but I have to wait until my income picks up. Until then I am just saving the ideas for the future. I think some will be super cheap and my tattoo artist is okay with me getting a few in one day. Though one tattoo will require a lot more time, I'm currently trying to hunt down someone who can draw my tattoo for me, it will be a big piece, but not the biggest I have planned. If anyone wants a tattoo blog, please let me know. More ink coming in the future.
Valencia taught me to knit, I've only been knitting for a little over two months now, it's great to distract my mind when I get overwhelmed or depressed. It's a better, but not perfect, way to direct my stress, I am still looking for other ways to efficiently de-stress. I have a few completed pieces, but a few works in progress (wip). I'm hoping I can maybe get good enough to sell some knitted items.Only time will tell. I am just happy to finally have learned to knit. Valencia explained it so well it was easy once I started. I still make some mistakes but now I know how to correct them or just learn to keep going. I am also hoping to really learn sewing so I can start creating some of our costumes for our projects. Some things we just can't buy the costumes for. Maybe one day I can help others with custom made costumes or props.
I sold my jeep, now I am free of the ungodly high monthly car note. Ugh that was ridiculous. I somehow managed to never be late on payments, but a lower minimum would have been nice, not nearly $800. Up to this time last year I was paying $900 or more a month to try to pay it off faster. I'm so glad that is over and done with. My ex can also no longer threaten me since we had the jeep in both of our names, and he would talk about repoing it or saying it was stolen, not to mention he would lie about paying for it when he hardly worked enough to make a complete payment on it. Anyways, enough lingering on that... Finally, I can move on to better, cheaper options. Now the sucky part is eventually going to the DMV. I absolutely hate the DMV, and the pandemic hasn't made it any easier. Plus I have no idea how much I have to pay the DMV in registration fees. Does anywhere in this country have a decent DMV? It's like none do.
I know I have mentioned I've been learning a lot of photography and cooking stuff, but not only that I have been learning a lot about nature, plants, insects, and wildlife. Also some history stuff. There were so many things the schools never taught us. Now that I'm free to focus on whatever I want I have been learning so many things. Eventually we will have a produce garden too since groceries keep going up. We cook with a lot of fresh produce so it would help our grocery expenses. I guess I also need to mention that one day I will be doing a huge fundraiser for some property V & I have our eye on, we just have to wait for some red tape to clear up on some before we can buy, thankfully the properties won't just sell before we know it. We aren't sure if we will remodel or rebuild yet. The fundraising and location will play a key part of it but we have time. I have to focus on work now so we will be ready in the future. Thankfully with the two of us this will be easy.
I feel like if I keep going this post will be endless. It's just that so much has happened, positive changes, and so many good experiences in just two years. Before January 2020, I didn't think 80% of these things would have been possible for me, I was so trapped and blinded, now I realize everything is possible and I no longer have a limit. I need to blog these things more often so I don't have to dump long updates like I am with this one. I also hope to blog some of our future projects, experiences, achievements, and memories. Writing about the positive stuff really helps. So my advice to you is, when you are depressed and not able to perceive the positivity in your life, take a moment to write about the little things that you experience that makes you happy, write about how much you survived or how far you have came in life, write about your happiest memories and how they cheer you up, but also write about your saddest memories and how you will never have to experience them again because you are in a better place now. I hope life treats you well. Stay hydrated!
Kiss kiss meow,
Kitty Moon <3
P.S. I have a few topics I am thinking about writing, please let me know if any interest you: CPTSD/PTSD, Darkroom photography, my tattoos, knitting, the pandemic, Stockholm syndrome, future content goals, raising caterpillars, squirrels lol, random adventures, alternative healing stuff, and anything anyone request I talk about. I am always open to answering questions or discussions. Also I may open the discussion about how my readers may feel about me doing a YouTube channel for my projects, my experiences, and whatever else, if you are interested in that, please let me know.
Saturday, August 8, 2020
Post-Abuse Mental Health [Trigger Warning]
Trigger warning as there are subjects that could trigger many emotions such as talk about stalking, harassment, and abuse.
Please note: I have not, and will not disclose any names. All information given is backed with evidence and witnesses. Nothing has been falsified. This is purely all from my experience.
If you have not read the first two blogs about my experience please do so for more context.Blog #1: Something I need to talk about in order to start healing [GRAPHIC]
Blog #2: How I got away and SOME of the aftermath [Trigger Warning]
Sorry it takes so long to get these blogs out. Honestly it's not easy. I wish I could forget the whole experience all together but it's next to impossible. Daily, I am plagued with memories and anxieties from the abuse of the past few years. If there was a pill to erase memories I would take it. I rather forget everything than to remember it everyday only to try to bottle it up and ignore it.
I wish I could say things are easier since getting my Protection From Abuse Order finalized, but nothing got easier. Since the abuse and break up I have been suffering from a number of things. Ranging from depression to nightmares. I did a poll recently to find out what everyone would like for me to write next, 'Mental Health' won. So here is more detail on what my mental health is like.
Depression... Of course it's common. It's actually something I have struggled with my whole life since before I was a teen. The depression from back then and now feels different. Now it's like a looming darkness telling me there is no way out from the grips of it. It's diminishing my motivation, even when I think of future plans I have or want to have, that darkness just hangs over me. Often I don't feel like doing anything, so I don't do anything. I just sit around doing anything that will numb my mind. I still have my depressive crying moments often, I've just grown to always keep them low key. Why let others know I'm crying when nothing can be done about it anyways?
I try to avoid the dark parts of my mind that tell me cruel things, things like how there is no escape and it will never end until I do. I know it will never go away, my problem will always exist and torment me. Thankfully I still have light in me that pushes me to keep going for hundreds of reasons, so why let one stupid reason drag me to the deepest depths? I won't let it, even if the fight to stay afloat is difficult.
Paranoia... It's understandable to feel paranoid after what I went through and still experience. Who wouldn't? It's just extreme. I've always hated a lot of windows in one room, but now I feel like I hate any windows in a room. Even just one. Especially at night when I can't see outside, you know, but you can see in if you were outside. Since I can't see outside it often makes me wonder if someone is looking in. Not only the windows but everything in general now. I'm always hyper aware of my surroundings now, checking to make sure no one is behind me or following me. I often get up after crawling into bed just to double and triple check the doors to make sure they are locked.
Now I'm planning to replace all my doors and locks with more security type ones, even planning to get a good security system once I have the extra money to spare. Who knew one's safety could be so expensive.
I internally panic when I hear things outside, like cars idling, car doors, people talking, random bumps, etc. And believe me when I say, where I am now has a lot of thumps and bumps, so I feel like I'm on edge. The internal panic even happens when a number I don't know calls me. I honestly just can't trust anything anymore. Everything has been pretty unexpected with him. All I know is he is ALWAYS watching my social media, ALWAYS. So who is to say he won't ever try to make an appearance if he knew exactly where I am? I know how he is when it comes to knowing where someone is. He used to always ride by and look hard to see if our old roommate was at his job. What is the purpose of looking? I don't know, I just know he would always do things like that with other people. What would stop him from doing it with me, nothing, especially with how intense he is about me... Long story, short. Even when I retrieved my belongings from Colorado he was trying to find me. He would go where I had been looking for me. I'll probably talk about that more in the future.
I know he still stalks me. People keep an eye on him for me because they are concerned about what he will do as well. Oftentimes I get screenshots of him talking about me or trying to talk to me.
Screenshot sent to me & convo on Aug 8th about his twitter post from Aug 6th, 2:13am.
I already plan to change my legal name so I can buy land or a house of my own one day because I know he would look me up to find me. I know he knows how to search names on tax/land sites that will actually list property and mailing addresses when you search for someone's name. I've thought about doing it in a family member's name but I know he would even look that up too to try to find me. In this day and age with the internet no one is truly hidden. Once I change my name I plan to finalize my moving plan. Move into a fortress with lots of security and protection. Until then I just have to keep moving around and stay hidden. I honestly don't even want to change my name until I fully pay off the vehicle so that way he won't be able to get the new name. But the amount I still owe on the vehicle makes that feel far off. I still only owe around $37k. At least with paying a head and on time my credit is going up so it will help secure things for myself in the future.
I've often thought about changing my performer name, but Kitty Moon has become too dear to me to change it. I was many names before but Kitty Moon was the best to suit me, so I don't think I could ever change it, and honestly I don't ever want to. I know that's the weak point to my stronghold, because as long as Kitty Moon exists he will always have access to stalk my every move. He even posts things with "Kitty Moon", "Miss Kitty Moon", and "🐱🌙".
Here are some examples.
You can see where his user or display name is "Miss Kitty Moon".
I tried to censor these as best as I could.
(UPDATE, he has read this blog and tries to say the reliable source that sent me these somehow faked them all, Ive examined both the screenshots and the account they came from, they are not fake)
So with that said if you end up following an account with my name but its not me, please let me know. I'll link all of my social media links at the end of this blog, these are the ONLY ones I have. Please make sure you are following me and not this creepy account.
Not to mention all the times he has threatened to kidnap me or all the times he says "See you soon". All I can do is expect him at some point. I know for a fact he will NEVER give up. We were together for almost 8 years and during that time he still stalked his exes from years before me. He may be good at giving up on some stuff all the time but he doesn't give up stalking people. If only he put that much effort into bettering his own life, but it seems like he can't improve himself when all his past victims are succeeding in life, he would rather see them at rock bottom so he can appear better than them. I remember him always talking shit about the changes in his exes lives.
Even indoors I feel watched, like someone is lurking. I half expect my home to be broken into by him kicking in the door or busting a window to get to me. I always check my car before getting in it even though I keep it locked up tight. I carry self defense stuff when I'm by myself. I have things to protect me when I am in my room. I think I have something everywhere for protection as well. How can you trust nothing will happen when you are dealing with an unstable and unpredictable stalker? He might seem nice and cool on the surface to people he collects as friends, but not very deep down is a dark side too him that can easily be uncovered if you cross or displease him even just once.
My paranoia is strong and for good reason too. I just hate it, I hate the feeling that I'm always being watched and stalked like some weak helpless prey. Needless to say my paranoia has caused me to stockpile a ton of evidence of the stalking, harassment, and many other things pertaining to his threats, including his bright idea that he could sue me for anything, but I've got EVERYTHING over the past 8 years covered and saved so no matter what I have something for everything and everyone he would try to use against me to hurt me. I just know screenshots wont help one bit if he were to appear out of nowhere in front of me.
Nightmares... My nightmares actually started the beginning of 2019. I even told him about the nightmares at one point. My nightmares consist of me moving, running, hiding, fighting for my life, etc. They weren't that extreme at first, they used to mostly be flashbacks from the abuse but now every time I sleep I have a nightmare, if I wake up to shake the dream then go back to sleep, I just have another, and another. They don't stop, they won't go away. I hardly sleep now. I hate sleeping now. I used to love sleep but now I just wish I could stay awake 24/7. It's not easy going to sleep knowing you're going to get you ass beat or even dream of being killed. Some dreams are laced with flashbacks, some dreams are me living in a new place with a new life but stalked and hunted. No matter what the dreams are always me running and hiding only to be found and hurt.
Crazier part is, in these nightmares pain will be inflicted and sometimes I'll even wake up with the pain still fresh for a little while. I understand many of the pains are just aches from my abuse like my finger or back acting up. It just makes the memories stay in the forefront of my mind and dreams all that more real. I wish I didn't have to sleep. Seriously, who wants to sleep knowing they will dream of their abuser hurting them over and over again? I've tried everything to prevent the nightmares, but nothing helps. Some medication even makes them stronger and harder to wake from. What little sleep I do get is fitful and never refreshing. Every day I feel like I am growing more and more tired. I think the exhaustion is starting to catch up on me.
Anxiety... Often I feel an anxiety attack coming on but I (thankfully) have a long term experience with panic and anxiety so I know when one is building and I know how to sooth it. If I didn't I think I would be a blubbering mess all the time. Little things trigger it, even if it's not negative. From people pillow fighting to sudden movements near or towards me. My anxiety even spikes with things like, for example, many months ago I was in my room and my mom called out to me saying "Thank you", in my mind I am used to some things like "thank you" being said sarcastically because I somehow screwed up something. I guess I'm not used to positive reinforcement anymore.
I even find myself on edge when someone is noticeably upset but don't state why. In my mind, I feel like I did something wrong or fucked up somewhere. It eats me up inside. I'll rack my brains going over everything I could have possibly done wrong. My mind always repeats over and over "What did I do? How do I fix this? How can I make myself not mess things up?". And oftentimes it's not really anything I have done or didn't do, it just feels like that. I just wish everything could be more straight forward so I don't have to panic in my head over everything.
Socializing... I feel awkward around people. Even with family or friends I have known for so long I feel alienated. Still to this day I feel out of place. I always feel like I will do or say something wrong. I got used to practically being told anything I say has no value. I used to hear that what I said was repetitive, old news, pointless, or stupid. I went so long not having a conversation with sustenance, even when I would find something new and exciting, something I didn't previously know about, but somehow it was repetitive or old news. I often don't feel like talking because I feel like I have nothing of worth to say. I do enjoy the company of others, it gives me some comfort, but after a while I feel out of place and awkward, like "what the hell am I doing here, no one wants me around.", I know it's not really true but it's just how I feel.
I've gotten so used to just being a problem or unwanted that now I'm around people more. It just feels like they are trying to pacify me and I still don't feel good enough. I always expect something to go wrong. I always feel like I'm going to do something wrong. I don't feel like I am enough for anything. As it stands I sometimes just feel like all I am doing is existing, giving no benefits to life, just here, out of place but here.
That's all for now, if I think of anything else I will make a part 2 to this blog specifically.
Kiss kiss meow,
Kitty <3 p="">
LINKS
Twitter.com/_KittyMoon (Main)
Twitter.com/theKittyMoon (exclusive)
Snapchat: MissKittyMoon (pay to access only, so if your accessing it and didn't pay, it is NOT mine)
Instagram.com/MissKittyMoon
MissKittyMoon.ManyVids.com
Pornhub.com/Pornstar/Kitty-Moon
Modelhub.com/Kitty-Moon
APClips.com/MKM
You can find more links on my main twitter.
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