Phases

 Making friends while having CPTSD is torture. I say friends because honestly I'm not ready, interested, or seeking any kind of emotional or physical relationship. I do wish to make friends, meet more people, live a relatively normal life. It's not easy. I actually hate the initial beginnings. My brain is so programmed to be used to specific outcomes that I'm unable to just let things happen. Instead I get caught up in my head. 

 I go through a range of emotions. At first nerves, of course. Meeting anyone even for a moment unnerves me. Even if I'm just placing an order or talking to a stranger in the store. That common social anxiety is there. For me it has been and will always be there since childhood. Nothing abnormal. But the first phase isn't the issue. Phase one I can easily work past. It's the phases that follow that are the issue.

 Phase 2, worry or concern. Usually worried they will think I'm weird or they hate me. Look at just the surface of me, not knowing who I am, just assuming with what little they know or see. Sometimes I feel like people look down on me in shame or even pity. Even when they don't know my past. When they know my past phase 2 feels more intense. Like I'm always being judged. Labeled the stupid weak girl who would let a man treat her like a rag doll, over and over. It's embarrassing, humiliating to listen to my head tell me these things. 

 Phase 3, more worries and concerns, of course. They just take a different route. Instead of worrying about what they think of me I start to worry about what if they want something from me. Something more than a friendship. I'm an adult, adults like to have sex right? I feel like that's what would be normal, but I don't feel that way. It takes me a lot for casual touching like handshakes and hugs. I would sometimes rather be drenched in acid than to be touched in any way. I just can't do the physical stuff yet. I thought I was ready, but a hook up in spring proved otherwise so I KNOW I am far from ready.

 Phase 3.5, it goes a step up than phase 3. Instead of being concerned that everyone wants to screw me, I start to worry if people will fall for me or think they are in love with me. Even those who know everything and accept whatever pace I heal at, I just sometimes start to feel like a couple of people feel entitled to be the person I end up in a relationship with when I'm ready. Even though they know I'm not looking or interested. 

 Phase 4, fear. My brain, body, and soul start cowering. There is no fight response, just straight up run. It's like all the hair standing up, heart races, paranoia overcomes me in many ways, my chest tightens. Something in me just tells me history will repeat itself. Everyone wants to use me, everyone wants to abuse me. This is all a set up to hurt me. No one cares as long as I benefit them, and if I don't benefit them they chew me up only to spit me out blaming me for it all. 

 Phase 5, detach. Once I've reached the 5th phase it's like everything shuts down. All emotions get numbed out. I just step back mentally and physically. Emotionally I become cold. All that exists is to play nice and get away. Cut ties, make some distance, let any positivity or negativity dissipate before it reaches me. All I know to do is to protect myself at all cost and usually detaching always takes place.

 Phase 6, breakdown. If I've made it to this phase then it must be really serious at that point. Breakdown will be inevitable. All negative emotions from the previous phases hit me like a freight train, all emotions amplified. It's like I'm suffocating in my own skin just wanting everything to stop. Everything feels hopeless, lost, pointless, empty, worthless. I become engulfed in this cloud of darkness. Choking on air, words, tears, and emotions. At that point it feels impossible to continue. All I think about is just laying down and letting the weight crush me.

 Then eventually... RESET. I recover, craving to be healed even more. I get back up and put the pieces together. Even if they don't fit I make them, until I feel close to whole again. Once I level back out again everything seems so easy and possible. Little by little I heal and grow stronger.

 But, there will always be something that initiates the phases. It's to be expected, completely understandable given the circumstances of my CPTSD and the continuation of the trauma. Years of repeated abuse doesn't just heal up like an average wound. I just hope one day I stop and take a moment to realize it's been ages since I've slipped into any of the phases.

Kiss kiss meow,

Kitty <3

28 Months (Trigger Warning)

It's been 28 months... 28 months since I left. 28 months since I signed that Protection From Abuse request. 28 months since I thought it would all finally stop. I can't tell if 28 months feels like the abuse was just yesterday or if 28 months feels like a long drawn out hell of stalking and harassment.

28 months is nowhere near enough time to heal. To recover from the inferno I once lived in for many many years. 28 months feels like seconds compared to the days and weeks of physical pain during the many healing processes from multiple occasions of abuse.

But then again, 28 months being attacked, doxxed, bullied, stalked, and harassed feels like eternity. The constant nagging feeling that I will never be free from the abuse until one of us is dead. But even then, I believe death would not be enough. He seems like the type to dig up my corpse to call his forever. Or worse, if he died, his spirit will haunt me for the rest of my life.

No matter how long 28 months feels, it can not explain everything I have dealt with during those months. Nightly terrors when I sleep. Every night I survive another fight for my life. Reliving memories I wish I could erase. I can officially say that dying in a dream does not equal death, in fact you can die many times over in a dream. Painfully.

Pharmaceutical relief was short-lived. At first the medication would just "calm" the dreams, make it hard to remember anything about them, it slowed my heart rate enough that when I woke with fright it wasn't always in a puddle of cold sweat, with confusion of where I was with my heart racing. Eventually I started to help less and less.

Then I started a new medication. It still "calms" the dreams, much less violence and fear, but it makes the dreams seem like one of those drug/acid/mushroom trips you see depicted in movies. Kind of like Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. But much more gore, kind of like From Dusk to Dawn or something. And I will remember most details in the strangest ways. Or some details being so realistic I question if it happened or not.

Soon I will arrange an appointment with my doc again to see if there are any other options because having these nightly dream/terror trips are just as exhausting as having the "directors cut" rated MA blood bath B-movies. Hopefully then I can finally get some rest. I once used to love sleep when I was younger, now it's the one thing I dread.

Aside from the dreams... 28 months is nowhere enough time to overcome the fear, the constant urge to hide, the paranoia, flashbacks, triggers, and even the recovery of physical wounds. You would think 28 months could be enough time. It's not. Especially when there are so many countless triggers that send me spiraling back into that trauma space. 28 months might as well be 28 years or 28 days. It doesn't matter.

All that matters is I take those 28 months and continue to keep adding more months of working towards healing. I'll keep trying anything and everything I can to recover from my dark past. The path of finding myself and my strength is long, but it is a path I will continue on for the rest of my life, whether it's 28 days, months, years, or decades. This is my path to follow.

Kiss kiss meow,
Kitty <3

First of the roll, expired 1990's 120 film w/ Mamiya 645 camera
I couldn't edit this image aside from adding the watermark.
The imperfection in this image is enough to make it a perfect shot.

#KristopherVise #JackMaxell

Commitment

    Commitment... Something I have tried often, failed even after long periods of it. I never quite knew why. Why is commitment so hard for me? Starting early on I've had commitments including committing to someone who I thought I would live the rest of my life with, only to be cheated on. Committing to school to eventually go to college for many degrees, but breaking my commitment due to unforeseen health issues forcing me to give up entirely at the time. I've tried committing to my first online business, but after barely making any money and a relationship distracting me from it I had to give it up. Other commitments have just ended up being too small to be considered a commitment or from very toxic experiences. 

    How do I feel about commitment now? Well, I definitely don't want to seek it relationship-wise. But commitments aren't just relationships, they can come in many forms. Without reading the definition, what do things do you define as commitment? Most we don't ever really think of, most of the time we just think of it in the relationship aspect. Committing to another person. It is so much more than that.

Definitions of commitment

noun

 the act of binding yourself (intellectually or emotionally) to a course of action
“his long commitment to public service”
synonyms:
allegiance, dedication, loyalty 

(source: Vocabulary.com definition) 

    Commitments can be small and mundane, such as committing to a better sleep schedule. Committing to finish something by a deadline. Committing to eat healthier. What about exercising? That's a common failed commitment. Committing to drinking enough water every day. Getting your hair or nails done (home or salon) every month? That's a commitment! Really, commitments can be all kinds of things. Big or small, for pleasure, or for betterment. Commitment is everywhere. It's just sometimes easier to make some commitments for some people. 

    I know I have struggled with a few commitments in my life. Sleep has been the longest running, even with the help of doctors when I was a little kid I could not keep a proper sleep schedule like all the other kids. Relationship, that's obviously been a struggle, but I'm giving up that struggle, mostly because I already have a few ideal commitments I want to commit to before I try to bring anyone else into my life like that. How can I fully commit to someone if I can't even commit to anything for myself??

    What kind of commitments am I struggling to keep right now? Sleep schedule still of course. But also fitness. I want to commit to working out but I always find ways out of it. I just want to make my body a bit more fit. I am also having a hard time committing to projects. I am always doubting myself so I just give up halfway through. Self-care, that is probably the hardest commitment I am struggling with at this moment.

    Why is self-care such a challenge?? I've been told by my counselor to start spending at least an hour for self-care for myself because of how spread thin I am from my daily life. But half the time I can't even get the motivation to go to my room and start working on self-care. Plus what the hell would I even do? I don't even really know where to start when it comes to self-care. I have some ideas but I am kind of limited right now. Maybe I can somehow make working out, sleeping right, and self-care all one commitment, but I have no clue how. I really don't know where to start. 

    There are so many commitments I want to make with myself to better myself and improve my future, but I keep failing at them. So in all reality how am I in a position to have a commitment to another human being if I can not push myself to even commit to something for myself? If I can't commit to myself, no one should expect me to commit to another person. Commitments with myself are hard, commitments with others just feels impossible when I can't give myself what I need. A commitment to myself to have an amazing life should be easy, right? Why does it have to be so hard? There is so much I want to have a consistent ritual of to better myself but it just feels like it's impossible to commit for longer than a few months. 

    My main issue is I really have zero control of the time in my life, so much outside forces affect how and when things play out, so I barely have any way to set a schedule for myself and my commitments. Plus it feels like all the selfish self-care stuff takes too much time, or costs a lot, or takes a lot of energy. Without being a selfish cunt (pardon my language) it wouldn't be easy for me to set time aside literally for myself. How I was raised, self-care is just selfishness for people who have money.

    Don't get me wrong, I really wish I commit to some things. Better sleep schedule, daily workouts, daily skin/hair/body care, weekly projects, going out for photography more often, staying hydrated, so many things. But for some reason I can't ever fully commit. I keep finding excuses. I blame my time on others, lack of money because I'm wasting time self-caring instead of working, etc. Somewhere in my dysfunctional mind, things just don't work right for commitments. If I had money I would hire people like personal trainers and stuff, maybe then I would commit better. I need a solid experienced helping hand sometimes lol. Maybe if I had someone who was committed to these things that I would love to commit to and were trying to help me commit, maybe then it would work, I don't know, never had anyone who gave a shit about what I want to do or commit to that I know of lol..

    I haven't been able to stick to many commitments. I have been able to keep sticking to my nightly routine of cleaning and wearing my retainers for the past 2 years, but that's about it really. I try to keep up with soothing music while I sleep to help with the nightmares, but some nights it doesn't happen. Even when it comes to my medication I've had some hiccups with it. Whether the medicine was affecting me badly or I went without due to money or the doctor's office not calling it in soon enough. Same with my vitamins, I can't always afford them. There are so many factors disrupting my sleep that I give up on a decent sleeping schedule.  

    Everything is just so complicated. I want to commit but I guess my commitments are elsewhere, nowhere beneficial for me I guess. Maybe this time next year I will have actually kept a commitment to work out some and maybe take care of myself more, I guess. I don't know honestly, it's easier to keep up commitments for others, just not for myself. I am always committing to other routines for people, it seems easier, just never for myself. Maybe this time next year I will read this and still be wishing I could stick to a commitment to help myself. 

    Here is hoping I can figure out some kind of beneficial commitment to help me out. I really do want to make these commitments, but obviously not enough to stick with them when things get rocky. Things will always be rocky. Life is not getting easier for me, far from it. I wish I could find some ease. Maybe one day I will find the right routine to commit to and it will make life easier, but for now it feels like personal commitments are impossible. Until then, I will keep trying to find what sticks.

Kiss kiss meow,
Kitty <3

It's been awhile, here is a little update. (tried to keep it positive)

(photos at the end)

Some TRIGGER WARNING, briefly mentions topics regarding DV and abuse.

August marks 2 years since I last blogged, no sense in waiting till then. Comments and a surge in views has brought me back to this little corner of my online world. I kinda left you all on a cliffhanger with the DV blogs, huh? I hope it helped anyone who may have needed help with that topic/situation. I don't want to be so gloomy in this post so I wont put all the negative stuff here, maybe some other time so that way others can know what to expect after leaving an abusive situation. This post is going to be more positive and about all the good things I have experienced since leaving that horrible relationship. From now on I will try to update more often, regardless of if it is positive or not. I felt like it was not very safe to post here for awhile. But I am taking my blog back and going to try to blog more often... Unless if you, my readers, want me to vlogs on youtube instead, might start doing that. Let me know your thoughts. I think I have only done one vlog (well voice over while I painted) video.

Well for starters I have found a new best friend (the lovely Valencia Vulpes) in someone I met so many years ago but rarely had contact with. In fact, he did most of the talking to her while I was with him because I couldn't talk to many people outside of work & customers/fans. I feel like she is my other half, we are so alike and have the same dreams/goals. So not only did I find a best friend in her I found a business partner, perfect roomie, and someone I can learn from or learn with. She has helped me beat my fear of spiders by educating me and showing different ones to me so I could learn or interact with them. I've only been able to handle, yes physically handle, small jumping spiders. And feeding them is actually enjoyable haha. Eventually we will work towards larger spiders, like tarantulas 

We also started taking some classes. Our favorite class is the Darkroom class, it was fun and simple, but eventually we do hope to have our own darkroom since we both still shot film. Hopefully one day we will have an enlarger so we can make our own prints. We have also been collecting old cameras. Soon I will learn how to repair them and get them back to working. Some are digital and some are film. I do have a wonderful working 1st generation Mamiya 645 film camera. I love it even though I can only shoot 15 frames with it. It takes wonderful photos. I can't wait to see how the other cameras shoot. 

On top of all that I have been learning about cameras I have also started my own photography business. I did some volunteer work with an animal rescue in my hometown, it was so fun working with all those furry models. I can not explain how awesome it is to sit in the middle of a room and be covered in kittens/cats begging for affection. Honestly, it is incredible... I don't get many gigs at the moment but I have had some awesome ones. I haven't done much since I got sick a few months ago, I'm just now getting back to work. Recovery has been rough but I did study a lot while I was on bed rest. I have been having some complications with advertising online for my photography, my ex has tried to contact me through it, so for now I am sticking with local/by word of mouth advertising, it really makes it a challenge.

Because of my photography business I have done a lot of traveling, which just makes me love what I do even more. I have seen so many new things, photographed things I never could before. I have advanced so much with my photography during these two years. Every time I am taking photos my appreciation just grows. I want to see and learn it all, anything to do with cameras or photography I want to be involved in it. Photography is my life. I could never give it up. I am so thankful and I feel blessed that photography is the one and only thing I was allowed for so long. Without photography I don't think I could have kept going in life against the odds. Throughout my photographer journey I have made some interesting friends who dabble with all kinds of styles of photography and all types of cameras or equipment. I do wish I could have plunged into the photography world sooner but I will not regret any moment I have now with photography. I don't think I could ever envision life without cameras or photography, it would be like life without air.

Valencia and I also have a ton of upcoming projects once we get a little bit of spending money in our pockets (you know, because bills always come first) so hopefully soon we will have some awesome creative things to show you. I don't want to give away too much detail but we will try to BTS the creative processes. I don't think I have ever encountered anyone else in my life who I can look at and just have a thousand ideas run through my head. She will not only be my model but she will also help when I model in front of the camera, this way my work won't be as self-shot and will have many better angles or just all around be better that what I could produce with a tripod and a remote. Plus we will be DIY'ing a lot of the props and wardrobes for our projects. 

I've been doing other work outside of SW & photography. I do social work for the elderly and/or disabled who are not 100% independent. I do anything from basic cleaning, shopping, errands, to very deep exhausting house cleaning and yard work, some medical stuff, and other odds and ends. It does not pay much but I do enjoy the people I meet, and sometimes the perks are nice, the current hoard clean up I am working on has some old cameras and the client is letting me keep them. I also get to keep some of the wife's cookware if any are usable, we just started in the kitchen/dining area. I also get to dig up any plants outside. The client and their family is unable to care for the property and no longer lives there just needs it cleaned out before demolition, I have to sift through the hoard and rubble to find anything that may have value to the client, only have a list of what might be there and what to do with it but not an actual list. Some things are trash, some will go to goodwill, some will go into their storage (thankfully I will probably never have to see or deal with what could be in storage), and some I can keep though there isn't much I would keep aside of the camera stuff. 

Sometimes my job is a big ordeal, but some days it is just being there to keep the client company. It's very enjoyable, especially hearing old war stories or childhood tales. I've learned a lot from many of my clients. Though some clients are not so coherent or aware of much of what is going on. I have learned a lot about dementia since starting. Dementia is not just a struggle for the patient but also with their families. Their families suffer so much. The patients lose.all real logic, memory, and understanding. I don't want to go into depth of the things I have witnessed as I feel it can cross the line to shaming someone. The real shame is these people once worked hard and paid their taxes, tried to have the american dream of retiring, but life doesn't work like that. Social security doesn't really pay or help them. Some can get $17 in monthly food stamps, wtf? I will not get started on the healthcare these people have to put up with. You would think if someone worked so hard for their whole life they would end up in better places. And it's just terrible that such a disease and many others like it can take over humans, trapping them in an eternal hell, most of the time dragging their families along. 

I also took a food sensitivity test to find out exactly what has been causing me problems, and all I can admit to eating often (egg whites, chicken, ginger, parsley, and others. Now that I know what to avoid I can find and try almost any recipe. Needless to say, I have been the house chef for a while now. We eat really good, a lot of meal prepping so we can find the best deals on meats for low prices, but only good quality meats. I've made many restaurant copycat recipes, often tweaking them to make them better. Everyone who has tried my cooking loves it, no matter how healthy it sounds lol. I also prepare oven ready/freezer to oven meals for a few clients so they can easily enjoy home cooked meals. Valencia and I have also been experimenting with natural food color. It's nice finding ways to add a little color to our lives without me having a reaction to the dyes. I wish we had these options when I was growing up.

On the subject of food, I no longer look like a skeleton, I have finally gained weight. I still have some dietary issues from food tolerance issues but I am currently dealing with the mental aspect of it. My ex would sometimes jokingly call me a fat ass, I was okay with that, taking it as a joke. But when I was drastically under weight, I had weighed 105lbs, POUNDS, (I am 5ft 7in) I was barely anything, I had no muscle, I was weak, malnourished, and always sick from the shitty food he wanted to eat. He was such a picky eater, to him everything I cooked was prison food. But I had to suffer. He didn't like when we had to get food from different places. With as weak as I was, I rarely had the energy to cook for just myself when he would get take out, so I might as well since I was paying for the take out or fast food.  Still he would point out my "cottage cheese ass" or tell me often how I need to work out, practically pointing out every flaw on me that could be caused by even a 1lb weight change. Told me a few times if I got fat he would leave me, lol I should have just gotten fat. So even though I would laugh at the fat ass jokes the other things he would say would stick in the back of my head. Even now... I am now a healthy weight, I'm proud of it, but I'm still not used to or fully comfortable with seeing this new body. All the past shaming has really screwed up my self confidence, I didn't really have it from the start, but now it just doesn't seem like it exists. I look at myself and I just hear his words in my head putting me down for how I look. Now not only do I have to deal with the CPTSD, conditioning, depression, ext I also now struggle with my body image more than I ever have in my life...

That wasn't very positive... The positive aspect is I am now at a healthy weight, I am almost happy with it, but above all I am proud of myself. I've even been doing it with healthy foods, it's not like I eat fast food or junk food, that stuff makes me sick. I just cook fresh and from scratch. I also mostly like my butt haha, it's nice and juicy, despite the inner combat from the conditioning. Im working on getting over it and loving every single inch of my body, perfect or flawed. It is my body and it has allowed me to somehow survive this long. I appreciate it for the mental or physical strength it provides me to carry on. Some pains remind me of how close I came to death (intentional or accidental, may never know, that's okay) and some parts remind me that just because I was not born with a perfect body, it doesn't mean everything is impossible.

I finally got 3 new tattoos. I now have a total of 4. My first and oldest tattoo is still there, that will be a future project.  As for the new ones, I have one on my wrist as a permanent reminder to myself, it has a very deep meaning to me so that will be something I would have to dedicate a new blog to. I did get a tattoo honoring my love of flying squirrels and that my babies will always be with me, alive or waiting at the rainbow bridge for me.  I have a snake slithering up my foot and leg, it's a reminder of someone, that one is also a very sentimental and personal one that would have to have a blog too. I have a few other ideas for tattoos but I have to wait until my income picks up. Until then I am just saving the ideas for the future. I think some will be super cheap and my tattoo artist is okay with me getting a few in one day. Though one tattoo will require a lot more time, I'm currently trying to hunt down someone who can draw my tattoo for me, it will be a big piece, but not the biggest I have planned. If anyone wants a tattoo blog, please let me know. More ink coming in the future. 

Valencia taught me to knit, I've only been knitting for a little over two months now, it's great to distract my mind when I get overwhelmed or depressed.  It's a better, but not perfect, way to direct my stress, I am still looking for other ways to efficiently de-stress. I have a few completed pieces, but a few works in progress (wip). I'm hoping I can maybe get good enough to sell some knitted items.Only time will tell. I am just happy to finally have learned to knit. Valencia explained it so well it was easy once I started. I still make some mistakes but now I know how to correct them or just learn to keep going. I am also hoping to really learn sewing so I can start creating some of our costumes for our projects. Some things we just can't buy the costumes for. Maybe one day I can help others with custom made costumes or props. 

I sold my jeep, now I am free of the ungodly high monthly car note. Ugh that was ridiculous. I somehow managed to never be late on payments, but a lower minimum would have been nice, not nearly $800. Up to this time last year I was paying $900 or more a month to try to pay it off faster. I'm so glad that is over and done with. My ex can also no longer threaten me since we had the jeep in both of our names, and he would talk about repoing it or saying it was stolen, not to mention he would lie about paying for it when he hardly worked enough to make a complete payment on it. Anyways, enough lingering on that... Finally, I can move on to better, cheaper options. Now the sucky part is eventually going to the DMV. I absolutely hate the DMV, and the pandemic hasn't made it any easier. Plus I have no idea how much I have to pay the DMV in registration fees. Does anywhere in this country have a decent DMV? It's like none do.

I know I have mentioned I've been learning a lot of photography and cooking stuff, but not only that I have been learning a lot about nature, plants, insects, and wildlife. Also some history stuff. There were so many things the schools never taught us. Now that I'm free to focus on whatever I want I have been learning so many things. Eventually we will have a produce garden too since groceries keep going up. We cook with a lot of fresh produce so it would help our grocery expenses. I guess I also need to mention that one day I will be doing a huge fundraiser for some property V & I have our eye on, we just have to wait for some red tape to clear up on some before we can buy, thankfully the properties won't just sell before we know it. We aren't sure if we will remodel or rebuild yet. The fundraising and location will play a key part of it but we have time. I have to focus on work now so we will be ready in the future. Thankfully with the two of us this will be easy. 

I feel like if I keep going this post will be endless. It's just that so much has happened, positive changes, and so many good experiences in just two years. Before January 2020, I didn't think 80% of these things would have been possible for me, I was so trapped and blinded, now I realize everything is possible and I no longer have a limit. I need to blog these things more often so I don't have to dump long updates like I am with this one. I also hope to blog some of our future projects, experiences, achievements, and memories. Writing about the positive stuff really helps. So my advice to you is, when you are depressed and not able to perceive the positivity in your life, take a moment to write about the little things that you experience that makes you happy, write about how much you survived or how far you have came in life, write about your happiest memories and how they cheer you up, but also write about your saddest memories and how you will never have to experience them again because you are in a better place now. I hope life treats you well. Stay hydrated!


Kiss kiss meow,
Kitty Moon <3


P.S. I have a few topics I am thinking about writing, please let me know if any interest you: CPTSD/PTSD, Darkroom photography, my tattoos, knitting, the pandemic, Stockholm syndrome, future content goals, raising caterpillars, squirrels lol, random adventures, alternative healing stuff, and anything anyone request I talk about. I am always open to answering questions or discussions. Also I may open the discussion about how my readers may feel about me doing a YouTube channel for my projects, my experiences, and whatever else, if you are interested in that, please let me know. 

Post-Abuse Mental Health [Trigger Warning]

Trigger warning as there are subjects that could trigger many emotions such as talk about stalking, harassment, and abuse.

Please note: I have not, and will not disclose any names. All information given is backed with evidence and witnesses. Nothing has been falsified. This is purely all from my experience. 

If you have not read the first two blogs about my experience please do so for more context.
Blog #1: Something I need to talk about in order to start healing [GRAPHIC]
Blog #2: How I got away and SOME of the aftermath [Trigger Warning]



    Sorry it takes so long to get these blogs out. Honestly it's not easy. I wish I could forget the whole experience all together but it's next to impossible. Daily, I am plagued with memories and anxieties from the abuse of the past few years. If there was a pill to erase memories I would take it. I rather forget everything than to remember it everyday only to try to bottle it up and ignore it.

    I wish I could say things are easier since getting my Protection From Abuse Order finalized, but nothing got easier. Since the abuse and break up I have been suffering from a number of things. Ranging from depression to nightmares. I did a poll recently to find out what everyone would like for me to write next, 'Mental Health' won. So here is more detail on what my mental health is like.

    Depression... Of course it's common. It's actually something I have struggled with my whole life since before I was a teen. The depression from back then and now feels different.  Now it's like a looming darkness telling me there is no way out from the grips of it. It's diminishing my motivation, even when I think of future plans I have or want to have, that darkness just hangs over me. Often I don't feel like doing anything, so I don't do anything. I just sit around doing anything that will numb my mind. I still have my depressive crying moments often, I've just grown to always keep them low key. Why let others know I'm crying when nothing can be done about it anyways? 

    I try to avoid the dark parts of my mind that tell me cruel things, things like how there is no escape and it will never end until I do. I know it will never go away, my problem will always exist and torment me. Thankfully I still have light in me that pushes me to keep going for hundreds of reasons, so why let one stupid reason drag me to the deepest depths? I won't let it, even if the fight to stay afloat is difficult.


   Paranoia... It's understandable to feel paranoid after what I went through and still experience. Who wouldn't? It's just extreme. I've always hated a lot of windows in one room, but now I feel like I hate any windows in a room. Even just one. Especially at night when I can't see outside, you know, but you can see in if you were outside. Since I can't see outside it often makes me wonder if someone is looking in. Not only the windows but everything in general now. I'm always hyper aware of my surroundings now, checking to make sure no one is behind me or following me. I often get up after crawling into bed just to double and triple check the doors to make sure they are locked. 

    Now I'm planning to replace all my doors and locks with more security type ones, even planning to get a good security system once I have the extra money to spare. Who knew one's safety could be so expensive.

    I internally panic when I hear things outside, like cars idling, car doors, people talking, random bumps, etc. And believe me when I say, where I am now has a lot of thumps and bumps, so I feel like I'm on edge. The internal panic even happens when a number I don't know calls me.  I honestly just can't trust anything anymore. Everything has been pretty unexpected with him. All I know is he is ALWAYS watching my social media, ALWAYS. So who is to say he won't ever try to make an appearance if he knew exactly where I am? I know how he is when it comes to knowing where someone is. He used to always ride by and look hard to see if our old roommate was at his job. What is the purpose of looking? I don't know, I just know he would always do things like that with other people. What would stop him from doing it with me, nothing, especially with how intense he is about me... Long story, short. Even when I retrieved my belongings from Colorado he was trying to find me. He would go where I had been looking for me. I'll probably talk about that more in the future.

    I know he still stalks me. People keep an eye on him for me because they are concerned about what he will do as well. Oftentimes I get screenshots of him talking about me or trying to talk to me. 

Screenshot sent to me & convo on Aug 8th about his twitter post from Aug 6th, 2:13am.

    I already plan to change my legal name so I can buy land or a house of my own one day because I know he would look me up to find me. I know he knows how to search names on tax/land sites that will actually list property and mailing addresses when you search for someone's name. I've thought about doing it in a family member's name but I know he would even look that up too to try to find me. In this day and age with the internet no one is truly hidden. Once I change my name I plan to finalize my moving plan. Move into a fortress with lots of security and protection. Until then I  just have to keep moving around and stay hidden. I honestly don't even want to change my name until I fully pay off the vehicle so that way he won't be able to get the new name. But the amount I still owe on the vehicle makes that feel far off. I still only owe around $37k. At least with paying a head and on time my credit is going up so it will help secure things for myself in the future. 

    I've often thought about changing my performer name, but Kitty Moon has become too dear to me to change it. I was many names before but Kitty Moon was the best to suit me, so I don't think I could ever change it, and honestly I don't ever want to. I know that's the weak point to my stronghold, because as long as Kitty Moon exists he will always have access to stalk my every move. He even posts things with "Kitty Moon", "Miss Kitty Moon", and "🐱🌙".  
Here are some examples.

You can see where his user or display name is "Miss Kitty Moon". 

I tried to censor these as best as I could.

(UPDATE, he has read this blog and tries to say the reliable source that sent me these somehow faked them all, Ive examined both the screenshots and the account they came from, they are not fake)

    So with that said if you end up following an account with my name but its not me, please let me know. I'll link all of my social media links at the end of this blog, these are the ONLY ones I have. Please make sure you are following me and not this creepy account.

    Not to mention all the times he has threatened to kidnap me or all the times he says "See you soon". All I can do is expect him at some point. I know for a fact he will NEVER give up. We were together for almost 8 years and during that time he still stalked his exes from years before me. He may be good at giving up on some stuff all the time but he doesn't give up stalking people. If only he put that much effort into bettering his own life, but it seems like he can't improve himself when all his past victims are succeeding in life, he would rather see them at rock bottom so he can appear better than them. I remember him always talking shit about the changes in his exes lives. 

    Even indoors I feel watched, like someone is lurking. I half expect my home to be broken into by him kicking in the door or busting a window to get to me. I always check my car before getting in it even though I keep it locked up tight. I carry self defense stuff when I'm by myself. I have things to protect me when I am in my room. I think I have something everywhere for protection as well. How can you trust nothing will happen when you are dealing with an unstable and unpredictable stalker? He might seem nice and cool on the surface to people he collects as friends, but not very deep down is a dark side too him that can easily be uncovered if you cross or displease him even just once.

    My paranoia is strong and for good reason too. I just hate it, I hate the feeling that I'm always being watched and stalked like some weak helpless prey. Needless to say my paranoia has caused me to stockpile a ton of evidence of the stalking, harassment, and many other things pertaining to his threats, including his bright idea that he could sue me for anything, but I've got EVERYTHING over the past 8 years covered and saved so no matter what I have something for everything and everyone he would try to use against me to hurt me. I just know screenshots wont help one bit if he were to appear out of nowhere in front of me. 

    Nightmares... My nightmares actually started the beginning of 2019. I even told him about the nightmares at one point. My nightmares consist of me moving, running, hiding, fighting for my life, etc. They weren't that extreme at first, they used to mostly be flashbacks from the abuse but now every time I sleep I have a nightmare, if I wake up to shake the dream then go back to sleep, I just have another, and another. They don't stop, they won't go away. I hardly sleep now. I hate sleeping now. I used to love sleep but now I just wish I could stay awake 24/7. It's not easy going to sleep knowing you're going to get you ass beat or even dream of being killed. Some dreams are laced with flashbacks, some dreams are me living in a new place with a new life but stalked and hunted. No matter what the dreams are always me running and hiding only to be found and hurt.

    Crazier part is, in these nightmares pain will be inflicted and sometimes I'll even wake up with the pain still fresh for a little while. I understand many of the pains are just aches from my abuse like my finger or back acting up. It just makes the memories stay in the forefront of my mind and dreams all that more real. I wish I didn't have to sleep. Seriously, who wants to sleep knowing they will dream of their abuser hurting them over and over again? I've tried everything to prevent the nightmares, but nothing helps. Some medication even makes them stronger and harder to wake from. What little sleep I do get is fitful and never refreshing. Every day I feel like I am growing more and more tired. I think the exhaustion is starting to catch up on me. 

    Anxiety... Often I feel an anxiety attack coming on but I (thankfully) have a long term experience with panic and anxiety so I know when one is building and I know how to sooth it. If I didn't I think I would be a blubbering mess all the time. Little things trigger it, even if it's not negative. From people pillow fighting to sudden movements near or towards me. My anxiety even spikes with things like, for example, many months ago I was in my room and my mom called out to me saying "Thank you", in my mind I am used to some things like "thank you" being said sarcastically because I somehow screwed up something. I guess I'm not used to positive reinforcement anymore. 

    I even find myself on edge when someone is noticeably upset but don't state why. In my mind, I feel like I did something wrong or fucked up somewhere. It eats me up inside. I'll rack my brains going over everything I could have possibly done wrong. My mind always repeats over and over "What did I do? How do I fix this? How can I make myself not mess things up?". And oftentimes it's not really anything I have done or didn't do, it just feels like that. I just wish everything could be more straight forward so I don't have to panic in my head over everything.

    Socializing... I feel awkward around people. Even with family or friends I have known for so long I feel alienated. Still to this day I feel out of place. I always feel like I will do or say something wrong. I got used to practically being told anything I say has no value. I used to hear that what I said was repetitive, old news, pointless, or stupid. I went so long not having a conversation with sustenance, even when I would find something new and exciting, something I didn't previously know about, but somehow it was repetitive or old news. I often don't feel like talking because I feel like I have nothing of worth to say. I do enjoy the company of others, it gives me some comfort, but after a while I feel out of place and awkward, like "what the hell am I doing here, no one wants me around.", I know it's not really true but it's just how I feel.

    I've gotten so used to just being a problem or unwanted that now I'm around people more. It just feels like they are trying to pacify me and I still don't feel good enough. I always expect something to go wrong. I always feel like I'm going to do something wrong. I don't feel like I am enough for anything. As it stands I sometimes just feel like all I am doing is existing, giving no benefits to life, just here, out of place but here.

    That's all for now, if I think of anything else I will make a part 2 to this blog specifically. 

Kiss kiss meow,

Kitty <3 p="">

LINKS

Twitter.com/_KittyMoon (Main)

Twitter.com/theKittyMoon (exclusive)

Snapchat: MissKittyMoon (pay to access only, so if your accessing it and didn't pay, it is NOT mine)

Instagram.com/MissKittyMoon

MissKittyMoon.ManyVids.com

Pornhub.com/Pornstar/Kitty-Moon

Modelhub.com/Kitty-Moon

APClips.com/MKM

You can find more links on my main twitter.

How I got away and SOME of the aftermath [Trigger Warning]

Trigger warning as there are subjects that could trigger many emotions such as talk about stalking, harassment, and abuse.

Please note: I have not, and will not disclose any names. All information given is backed with evidence and witnesses. Nothing has been falsified. This is purely all from my experience. 

If you have not read the first blog about my experience please do so for more context.



    I know I just kind of cut the other blog fairly short without talking about how I got away and the aftermath. That is what I am going to touch on now because it helps express my reasons of concern and fear.

    How did I get away? Well I guess it was a cruel blessing that we were being evicted from the house we had lived in for a few years. We were not able to find a place to rent afterwards since my income was not as credible as it should be and since he kept quitting or being fired from pizza jobs it was hard to find anyone willing to rent to us. We ended up in a hotel for a little while but after awhile the decision was made to move back to my hometown.

    I half heartedly believed that in a cheaper city where we could save money to do whatever he wanted things would be easier on us, less stress and hopefully less arguing. I also believed if there was a way to get away, it would be easier there with more people I knew and more familiar resources around me.

    I guess in his words you could say I deceived him by convincing him to go back to my hometown. After many debates we went back. Things didn't seem any easier. He was more angry. Hating every minute there. Always taking it out on me. We stayed together there for a while, even while he was off with all these different girls he would meet on Tinder or even his own exes. I knew I had no choice in letting him go off with them. The one time I tried to stand up for my feelings he held me against my closet door telling me that I HAD to let him go and I had to trust him because if he was going to cheat on me then he will if he wanted too. I knew his intentions with these girls. All he ever really talked about with them was sex and to make them feel like they were special to him. Pretty much how he trapped me in the beginning. There was even a moment I feared he was going to hurt my mom for standing up for me when he was very volatile. That is the exact moment I knew something had to be done.

    Eventually time for his court date back in Colorado rolled around so he had to leave to go back. I was able to stay behind, thankfully I had the squirrels to take care of and honestly after the back injury traveling was far from easy for me. So once again I "deceived" him by convincing him to go. That everything would be fine and he would be back in no time. Even while he was driving back to Colorado we were arguing. We installed a tracking app so I could help direct him better on his way back. At one point he refused to listen to my directions and started going in the wrong direction, even getting farther from gas despite me trying to convey him correct directions. He would once again say so many nasty things to me, getting furious with me for his own choice in ignoring my directions while I'm sitting there on the computer with google maps pulled up and with his location tracked on the phone so I knew exactly where to tell him to go. But he wouldn't listen.

    After several more arguments during the course of his drive he finally arrived in Colorado. I stopped tracking him unless he told me to look where he was at while he was driving around or stealth camping in the city in the vehicle. The tracking app worked 2 ways. He would even track me and where I was. I couldn't even go off with my family without angering him. In December around the time of my sister's wedding, my half brother whom I had yet to meet but only spoken to on the phone and online was flying down for about 2 days. Unfortunately I was unable to spend any time with my family from out of town or even with my brother other than a 2 minute hello when they came by to pick my mom up. He had threatened to burn down the beach house they were all staying at because he knew the location since I had gone there before everyone got into town.

    All the while when he was in Colorado I would still place his food orders online or even call the restaurants for pick up so he could eat. I would still send him money. Even placing Walmart pick up orders for him. Look up any address or place he wanted. Give him directions. Give him reminders when he asked. I would wake up just to do his bidding. I did EVERYTHING I could to help him stay calm and happy. It was never enough, just never.

    He would often threaten to burn down my family's homes and threaten all kinds of craziness including practically kidnapping me BEFORE I was even breaking up with him. He would even try to get me to turn my tracker back on if I did turn it off. It got to the point where I felt like a prisoner no matter where I would go. He knew people in my hometown since it was his hometown too, so I always felt like I was looking over my shoulder because he might have called someone to find me or something. I can't even begin to explain my paranoia, still before I was able to break up with him.

    The fighting, the commands, the threats just kept going. I was almost unable to make it to my sister's wedding because he had already talked about how he didn't want any part of it when we found out she was engaged. I knew going to the wedding would be a difficult task so I just tried to agree with him to pacify him. I was planning to go no matter what. Many of my family and friends that I hadn't seen or spoken to in so long were going to be there. I really never intended to miss it. I guess that was another deception to him on my behalf.

   When it came to Christmas with family it was a nightmare. He was still in Colorado, since he hated his own family and wanted nothing to do with them. He wanted me to be the same way even though I was always pretty close with my family. (He also hated holidays, especially Christmas.) We had a little Christmas family dinner. My mom, sister, and new brother-in-law were all here. We were about to give the most important person a gift, my mom. He called, I tried to ask him if I could call him back in a minute because mom was about to open her gift, instead of letting me call him back he just went off on me. Furious that I would even put him off for a moment.

   I tried and wanted to leave him for good then, but it was so hard. I went as far as to send him all kinds of numbers to seek help since he was even threatening suicide. But I couldn't fully leave him at that point, so I "stayed" with him.

   The next day as soon as I could I went to the Police department to ask for advice. I was given a number of a hotline that could offer me assistance with this matter. After speaking with them I went directly to the bank to open an account he wouldn't know much about for a little while so I could deposit money in there to save in case I needed a real exit plan. I stayed with him for less than a month while I figured out my exit strategy. I had to be careful. I had to be safe.

    And, yes, we still argued daily because that is all he wanted to do and knew how to do. He would often keep me on the phone for hours at a time or would get pissed off with me if I didn't answer or respond in a timely manner. I could hardly sleep, eat, or breath without his permission. I did a lot of research on my situation, some he even found because he started checking all my history including my YouTube watch history. It was getting more and more ridiculous, not to mention beyond controlling.

   On January 16th, 2020 I officially broke up with him, even telling him I was officially doing so with a message that read "I am officially breaking up with you. I am done. You can make it on your own, I know you can. I love you but this is for me. I can not change my mind for you anymore. I have to make this decision for myself and I just can't keep going on like this. Goodbye." Of course he refused to accept it. The next day, the 17th, my dad took me to the court house so I can file for a Restraining Order which is actually a Protection From Abuse order there. On the 21st I got a response, the judge set a court date for April, which would later be reset due to COVID-19. During that time period I would often get calls, voicemails, emails, text messages, DMs, tweets, contacting people I knew, and so much more from him. He started harassing me more and more.

This was just one screenshot out of hundreds I have from his harassment over so many months

   He would make threats regarding the vehicle we co-signed together in 2019, saying he would have it repossessed or even that he would come here and wreck it. I set up an appointment with a lawyer to figure out what could be done about the vehicle belonging to us both, and the vehicle that he had in Colorado that was solely in my name. The lawyer said there is nothing that can be done until it's paid off. I spoke with the bank I was leasing through, they said the exact same thing. I was also told that there was no way he could get it repossessed from me without BOTH of our signatures or if he paid it off and had the title adjusted to only his name. It felt like a dead-end there, but slightly secure since I was assured that as long as the vehicle was in my possession and I was paying it there would be no reason for the bank to take it since they are getting their money.

    Now the story with the vehicle... In 2019 he decided he wanted a different vehicle. I did not want it. I knew it was higher payments than I wanted to pay on a vehicle not to mention we did a trade in on the vehicle he got me to co-sign on the previous year in 2018, so that owed amount went on top of the one we were going to get. The total amount for the new vehicle was $47,000 after the down payment. After reviewing bank statements he was able to contribute to the down payment and maybe a month or two (being generous) of payments after that but since he kept having work problems he was not making much money. For 95% of the time I had been the one making the payments. Even after breaking up with him I continued to make payments, well ahead of schedule, so much so I did get it to two or so months paid up in case something happened and I couldn't make a payment on time.

    I still have the vehicle, and still owe $38,000 on it after owning it for only a year and 7 months now. Unfortunately he is still on the title as a joint owner until I can find a way to refinance or pay it off completely. Refinancing it is almost impossible for me since my work history is not as long or credible to the bank. I have the income to pay for it, just not the needed history. So I'm pretty much fucked and he still thinks he has the upper hand so he STILL often makes threats regarding the vehicle. At least until by some miracle I can pay it off soon, I truly truly hope one day soon I can some how figure out how to pay it off and get his name off of it so I can cut the final string tying us together. But with $38k remaining, it is extremely doubtful since I don't make near enough and I keep forking out money for things like having to move and travel from place to place to make sure I am safe from him. I even pay monthly for an email blocker service so I don't have to receive emails from him on any of my email accounts. I will be soon paying for a security service as well, plus tons of upgrades for security reasons. For now 75% of my sells goes to the vehicle, the rest is for food and living expenses plus helping my mom with stuff. So I don't see me paying it off anytime soon.

   I finally had my court date to finalize and make the Protection From Abuse permanent in May. Thankfully he refused the mail that the court house mailed him to serve him, therefore it still counted as being served so the judge was able to proceed. I am now protected no matter what state or US territory I am in. He can not come within 500ft of me without violating the order. He can not contact me in ANY form or fashion either without violating. 

    After seeing the judge I went and had my number changed since I didn't have to worry about the courthouse or the lawyer calling me any more. That's when the calls from him finally ended. Honestly I still hate phones after all the times he forced me to stay on the phone with him or from all the harassment so I just don't really bother with phones anymore, people know how to contact me if they need to. I was just relieved to never have him call me again. But I wouldn't put it past him to somehow get my new number since I had already changed it once, and it was bone chilling when he called me on the (old) new number months ago.

   Once being granted the Protection From Abuse I knew it was finally safe to go to Colorado to get my stuff from my storage unit, and even the unit he had that he put my stolen belongings in (yet mailed me the key then later accused me of theft when I went to the storage facility, paid HIS overdue bill, and got my stuff out) to tie up loose ends. While I was there I went to the bank to notify them I had zero intention of giving up the vehicle through voluntary repossession, explained my situation that my ex is threatening to take it away even though he has no way to pay for it, and if any document comes in with my name on it to call me immediately to verify the information.  There is a whole long story to the Colorado trip regarding him that I will blog about one day. It was hilarious yet scary creepy at the same time.

   Now, I know I don't have to explain much more about why I am scared of him but I do want to include his past with his exes from what I witnessed. We were together for almost 8 years and during that time he would regularly check up one (aka stalk) his previous exes using different excuses, such as one is his kid's mom (even though neither of them have custody, so why check up on the baby momma if she doesn't have the kid but he would not as often check up on who DID have the kid, very questionable) and the other supposedly took his car and dog. While seeing how everything is, the ex taking the car and dog makes sense. For one, he would threaten to kill our animals, so yeah he shouldn't have animals around him if he can easily make threats like that. And two, the car was probably never even in his name and she, like me, was probably the one who put the most money in it.

    I knew he would never give up stalking them, and he was with me for longer, he says I hurt him the most, so why would he stop stalking me? He won't. He will ALWAYS stalk me. He will always think he knows everything about me and where I am. He will always think he can get retribution. So yes, it leaves me constantly looking over my shoulder, double checking the locks and windows where I am. I will probably always keep moving around to stay under his radar. I even plan to go as far as changing my legal name so that way one day when I am ready to buy land or a house he can't just easily find me with a land records search. My dad wants me to get my pistol permit but I am honestly kind of scared shitless of guns, but I am more afraid of my ex than a gun.

    There are so many, countless, mirco stories I haven't even covered. I just wanted to keep this a little short, even though I know it is not short. I will of course go into more details about more things in the future. This series of my blog is far from over. I have way too much bottled up. I have to get it all out there. I can't keep it contained anymore and writing is my best release.

    Let me know which subject/topic you want me to go into more detail next. I have many blogs already lined up, but I am curious what an outsider wants to know more about with this experience.

Kiss kiss meow,
Kitty

#KristopherVise #JackMaxell

Something I need to talk about in order to start healing [GRAPHIC]

    For months I have bounced the idea around to write this blog. I had many reasons to wait. Many reasons to worry about posting it too. I think it's time...

    First I want to state the main reason I am writing this is for in case anything were to happen to me. Let this be my "insurance policy". I don't know what to expect to happen but everything over the past few years was not expected. I can't predict what can happen, that's why I'm writing this.

   I don't even know where to start. This will be a summary, I can go into more details about different periods but that will be later IF any one is interested. I'm sure many people may have questions. And I have heard that sometimes healing happens when I let things out. I have yet to even really talk about most of this in detail so here is a trial run.

    I guess I should start with this; around the beginning of the year I was able to escape a very toxic and abusive relationship. I had always thought it would never happen to me, but that's what makes things unexpected. I was with my ex since 2012, for almost 8 years, this past March would have been 8 years. Things were okay at first. He had a few temperament problems, but I blew it off as other things. Things that could be used as excuses in many cases. Eventually the problems became more like mental torment. We had guidelines he would set. Demands he wanted met. I obeyed like a good little pet I guess you could say. Things caused me discomfort but so be it, I had someone who I thought loved me.

    Things did not get physical until the end of 2013. We had moved 1400 miles from my hometown to a new city and state. I won't go into detail but there was an argument regarding his own feelings for another girl. During the argument he choke slammed me to the floor in our apartment. I thought it was just a one time thing after such a heated discussion, so I excused it, but never forgot it.

    After a few years it seemed like everything I would do or say would set him off, nothing was ever good enough, and so much was my fault. There were countless arguments. It felt as if our relationship was nothing but negativity. In 2015 it just kept getting worse and worse. I remember being in a hotel in Florida and we were arguing about our trip there and leaving, but he was so mad he punched me really hard on my lower back/hips/butt. I don't remember how many times but I just knew it hurt for a little while.

    We moved back to Colorado, later that summer. Stayed in a hotel for a little while since it was difficult for us to find a place to rent because neither of us had a work history and at that time he refused to get a job, even just a bullshit pizza job. I had been doing online Sex Work (SW) since 2013 but it wasn't like I could give that income over as proof of income to rent a place. Things were still rocky, and could sometimes be physical, even while in the car. Eventually we got lucky enough to rent from a friend's family in Colorado.

    At the time that was our best option, but it wasn't an option HE wanted. So while we live in that house and anytime he had a problem he would take it out on me. The only way I could put it is nothing could please this man, food, cleaning, cars, money, nothing made him happy. He was always angry at me. I found it hard to talk to him as it seemed like anything I said to him wasn't new or interesting enough, or just stupid. But I always listened to him repeat himself or tell me things I already knew, I never got mad like he would get mad at me.

    The mental and physical abuse just kept getting worse and worse. He limited my sleep making it hard to function daily. I would bust my ass making content for work and I would still have to clean or cook for him. I had to stay up longer than him so I could rub his back so he could fall asleep. He would even get mad at me about where he would put his own stuff. I could do nothing right because nothing was perfectly his way. I saw it as because I couldn't make enough money to make his dreams come true when I was making enough to cover our $1,900/mo rent, utilities, car note, and all the take out he wanted since he HATED my cooking. But to him, that's not good enough.

    Once the abuse started happening monthly I started to try to document it when I could. It was hard to do so since he was always around, we were never apart, even when I made content he was in the next room. I was concerned about what to do so I tried to have proof in case I decided to make a run for it.

    It was hard to make the decision to run for it, so for years I never made that decision. I stuck around, endured the abuse. I started realizing his attitude and behavior was limiting me, holding me back from working and making incredible content. It was like if he knew I had to do some work he would cause an issue making it so much harder for me to get work done. Eventually it got to the point his abuse hindered my content making. Either I would have a huge mess to clean up from him or I had an injury to hide.

    Even while making content with him, which we thought it would be a good idea to try to double our income by him creating accounts and making content as well, which at the time he was open to do. Once we had his accounts made he would even use them to brag to other girls about his "porn star" status. So I never thought he was against having those accounts. When we tried to make content together we would only argue or even for an anal scene he would be really rough with me. There was one time we tried to get me "warmed up" by practicing before we filmed, but it hurt so much all I could do was cry and sometimes the crying out would be pretty loud, I wanted it to stop but I felt like he was right, we needed to do it to be ready for the scene. So I would get discouraged when it came to making content together.

    To the point of this blog, to the reason I have my fears that make this blog my "insurance policy" in case something happened to me. I do have reason to worry about my life when it comes to him. And its not small little things I could nit pick. These were real severe things I would just overlook or forgive, but not any more. That is why I am worried.

     Now this is where it becomes a bit more graphic as I will show pictures, video, and audio of the past few years with him. I was not able to document everything but this is what I do have to show. As I said he would make big messes out of anger from tiny problems that I would have to clean up... Or even longer for me to physically or mentally recover from, which I will go into some detail here, but more later on.

September 13, 2018

This was just the mess I had to clean up... The following images are of the "mess" I had to cover up from that day. After so long, and after now having a hard time with short term memory, I couldn't even begin to tell you which pointless reason this argument started at. As I said, anything could set him off. Minor ordeals most people just ignore would turn into atomic bombs for him.

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September 13, 2018

September 13, 2018

September 13, 2018

September 13, 2018

September 13, 2018

    There have been countless times he would grab me by the neck or choke me, but there were even times he tried to stand on my neck. These photos show when he did just that, not only had he punched me in the head but he also had his foot on my throat while I was on the ground after having been punched.

   Fast forward to December 21, 2018 merely days before my Kim Possible cosplay set was due and not yet made, we got into another argument. I mentioned a passing car but that car just so happened to be the same model as the falling apart car that he would hardly spend the time to fix up (or even get a job to buy the parts instead of relying on me who is paying ALL the bills to pay for the parts) that I "forced" him to sell when we had to move. I brought up someone else's car as they were passing us on the road and it set him off to the point that the rest of the drive he was in such a fowl mood. After leaving the store and heading home more arguments started so eventually he did what he knew best.

   To punch me in the head over and over and over again with no mercy or second thought. I'm just stuck in the seat next to him in our vehicle as he is punching me, I don't know what else to do other than cover my head with my hands and cry. THAT is how I broke my finger, not that bullshit lie I gave everyone about smashing it in a transmission. At that point we weren't working on any car because he couldn't be bothered to work on anything.

   By the time we get home I have a throbbing hand and a splitting headache. But it really didn't stop there. I don't remember much of that night other than caring for my injuries afterwards.

    This video is from our security camera out front. This was after he punched me repetitively in the head and broke my finger. As you can hear from him yelling at the end, the fight was not over.

Dec 21, 2018

   These were the photos I don't even remember taking that night, but I imagine I snuck into the bathroom at some point to "use the toilet" and took the photos, uploaded them before deleting them from my camera roll. I knew previously I needed to keep more documentation just in case.

Dec 21, 2018

Dec 21, 2018

Dec 21, 2018

Dec 21, 2018

Dec 21, 2018

Dec 21, 2018

Dec 21, 2018

Dec 21, 2018

Dec 21, 2018

    And of course I can't go to the hospital. Of course I can't seek help. So what do I do? I get some craft sticks, gauze, and medical tape just to make a splint for my broken finger.

Dec 22, 2018

Dec 22, 2018

Dec 22, 2018

    Once again, for days or even weeks later, I had to cover the visible bruises. And I hate wearing make up unless if its for work, but just to go to the store or to check my PO box, that felt insane.

Dec 22, 2018

    If I remember correctly that was one of a few times he was "worried" I might have a concussion.... But still, for no reason I could not go to the hospital... I wonder why. Maybe they would have helped me, but I was too stupid to know that. All I knew is even if he was locked up for a night he would get out and know where to find me. I had NO ONE to run to in Colorado. I didn't think anyone would help me. I was stuck. It was my worst nightmare. 

    Yet, with bruises and a broken finger I still managed to pull off my Kim Possible Cosplay in time for the launch date, January 1st 2019, as planned. Thankfully my gloves covered the very noticeable discoloration to my finger. I will admit, to this day, I still absolutely hate my Kim Possible content from that time, because when I look at it all I can remember is the excruciating pain I had to pretend didn't exist while shooting that set.

     I wish I could say that was the last of the abuse I endured. It wasn't. It was like the rest of the time with him was nightmare after nightmare. (Literally, I am plagued with nightmares since then.) It seemed like every month or every few weeks was something else. I honestly couldn't tell you what every argument was about, most were just caused by something minuscule so I can't remember. Plus trying to recall every detail from these events is not easy. I have to take a lot of breaks to write this blog, which is why it has taken me so long to put it out. This just is not something easy to talk about and revisit.

     Even in February 2019 I had more images saved, I don't know all the details like I said. Does it really matter though? When someone else is so much stronger than you and they willingly beat you, does it matter what it was about? It's not like I threw the first punch, cheated, lied, etc. All that mattered was I did something to set him off or something set him off.

    Also I have to note, during all these next fights he rebroke my finger a few times so it took forever to heal, and still has not healed properly.

Feb 5, 2019

Feb 5, 2019

Feb 5, 2019

Feb 5, 2019

    When my birthday was coming around in March 2019 I had intended to do a birthday stream. Discussed with him about the plans so his work wouldn't be a conflict so I could stream as much as possible that night. The last min plans had changed for his work so he ended up doing deliveries the night of the stream but since I was in the middle of streaming I didn't see his texts right away about him getting off earlier than expected. I had been drinking during the stream and having a blast, but I logged off in a rush so he could come home. Before I could even finish cleaning up and shutting down my webcam stuff he was already screaming at me.

    I hadn't turned off the program that records what my webcam was seeing so I ended up catching the fight, but I was pretty tipsy and just boo-hooing like an idiot half naked on the couch while he yells at me, I didn't want to post that video but I might in another blog if anyone is interested. If people are interested then I'll do a blog about how the abused affected my ability to stream.

    So that was March 2019. We still argued more in April. More punching and bruising

April 2, 2019

April 2, 2019

     On April 10th he was having a fit about his towels that he leaves everywhere. He left one behind the bathroom door one night, but because I didn't move the towel for him by the next morning he had problems getting into the bathroom and it pissed him off. So we started arguing. How was I supposed to know I was supposed to move the towel when 95% of the time if I move the towel he gets pissed because it wasn't where he left it last?

    So that lead to an argument about how he almost whacked his face trying to walk into the bathroom, so he decided to take me to the bathroom door to give me an example. As he is holding me firmly from behind with me standing as close to the bathroom door as possible and lecturing me he opens the door  to "show" me what he goes through. While "showing" me he ends up slamming me into the door with one hand while closing the door in my face with his other hand, causing me to hit the door full force.  This ended up causing me to bust my lip open pretty badly. All I remember was staring at the door as it came to me and BOOM pain. I've never had a busted lip that bad in my life and I hope I never do again.

April 10, 2019

April 10, 2019

April 10, 2019 (still with a broken finger)

April 10, 2019

April 10, 2019 

(all I could think to do is keep it covered with neosporin) 

     After realizing how bad my lip was he then proceeded to convince me I fell into or I moved into the door myself. He was determined to make me believe I did it to myself. And stupidly, I'll be honest, I started to believe it. Part of me KNEW that I didn't do it, but most of me was once again listening to him and believing him. It never set right with me that I did it, but I had to believe him, right?

   If anyone remembers, April 2019 was supposed to be my Misty cosplay debut, but since Misty doesn't have a busted face and I was trying to keep it hidden, I changed my plan. I put on a medical mask and did the nurse content instead. I hated it. It pissed me off, but I kept my painful mouth shut. I wouldn't ever speak about how pissed these content detours made me.

April 16, 2019

    I even went and hung out with a fellow SW just a few days later, and still tried to keep it as hidden and low key as possible. I wish I had just spoken up then and told her.

   Even though I had already gone through a lot of hell, the worst had yet to come. Around May 31st I woke up early one morning, not in the best of moods since his morning "habits" woke me up once again (I will spare the detail, no need to really make this blog messier than it is) so I got up and started to walk to the bathroom, but I guess something about how I was walking to the bathroom was an issue, so he got an attitude and asked me what it is. I told him I had to pee and we went back and forth for a while about how I just wanted to go pee. I didn't want to argue so I just got back in bed and tried to go to sleep. The argument kept going on and so while he went to go to the bathroom I started recording. 

    There are two parts as it is easier to work with and I had to cut out some of the silence when we were no longer in the room together, plus some of it got lost since the ipod would only properly store so much. In the audio you hear him screaming and pissed off. Yes of course I tried to stand up for myself. In the beginning he starts to hit me. 

    I did cut out the more abusive part, I intended to leave it out but after second thought I figured I will include it which is the second clip. After the second clip I started to cry. When the first clip picks back up and you hear me crying he comes back to the room still furious and my crying made it worse. So he got angry, you can hear him pushing me, holding me down, choking me, and beating me more while I cry. I tried to get away from him but there is nowhere to go.

    You will hear us smoking, because I felt like that was the only way I could get him to come down some, but it wasn't helping this time.

    You will hear me suggest killing ourselves, but you have to think after so long of him telling me he wanted to kill himself or how he hated being there. After so long from the abuse all I knew at that point was death would have been better. Leaving him NEVER seemed like an option. All I wanted to do is be away from always being hurt so often. He told me he wanted to kill himself, so why not, let's just end the suffering for us both.

    NO, I no longer feel that way about my life. NO, I am no longer a suicide risk now that I am away from him. Yes I really did feel like that was the ONLY option, but now I know it's not. 

    If you don't want to hear the full 1+ hour clip, just skip to the second clip once it gets quiet in the first one as it is the one I cut out. 

    This second part was cut out originally because I didn't want to really put out there about the morning masturbation issue, but playing it back now, does that really matter? I believe it was cut in the beginning of the other video. It is pretty graphic so please be aware.

   He had hurt me bad at this point. My back was screwed up for so long afterwards, I could hardly walk or move. I was practically laid up in bed for a month. The damage was more long term. For months I went through so much pain, even a year later I am still troubled by it causing me pain often. I can't stand or sit certain ways for too long. I can't seem to lift anything heavy either without it giving me trouble.

May 31, 2019

May 31, 2019

May 31, 2019

May 31, 2019

May 31, 2019

   Thankfully that was, for the most part, the last of the really bad physical abuse. Thankfully not too long after we were moving out and evened up being around a lot more people so he wasn't able to abuse me since he wouldn't have gotten away with it so easily. And even more thankfully I started to think about other options. 

    I did manage to convince him to move back to my hometown, where my family lived, I had hoped maybe there were things that were cheaper and we could save easier so he could do whatever he wanted then while I continued to work and make us money. And maybe if things got bad there too I could somehow find help. 

    It was really difficult but I was able to get away from him. I think that's a whole blog of it's own so I will write that blog next in more detail about how I was able to get away and leave him, the aftermath, and all the craziness that is (still) coming with it. 

    I just knew I needed to get this out on the table, I need to eventually talk about it, I need to give details that I want to avoid, because ultimately I need to heal from this. Burying it deep inside me and pretending none of it happened is not healing. I have barely gone into detail with anyone else but maybe one or two people, it's hard to talk about and tell someone about it, not to mention telling others. So it felt more natural and easier to myself to do what I usually do with my emotions, write about it. But I didn't want to just write it in my old notebook where no one ever knew what I experienced because I shouldn't have to hide this part of my life.

  Now to the reason this is my insurance policy is because I know what he plans to do. I officially broke it off with him in January 2020, but to this day he still harasses and stalks me. He has made threats to come find me so honestly I don't know what to expect. If anything were to happen to me, I want this all to me known. I'm not saying he will come after me or anything. But I'm also saying whether or not I release this blog he is still out there creepily watching, stalking, and waiting. (More on the harassment and stalking in future blogs) He has already made one 24hr trip to hunt me down, what is to stop him from trying again. 

   I fear encountering him, as I hope I never see him again. My mind goes to scary places when I think about the "what if's" with him coming back around. I just rather not. 

   In the next month and future blogs I will talk about how I left, the aftermath, why I am so scared, how it's affected me mentally, how it's affected me socially, and so much more around this topic since this isn't a one and done thing. If there is something you have questions about please ask and I will answer in future blogs.

   Thank you everyone for the love and support you have given me over the past few months.

Until next time, kiss kiss meow!

Kitty

#KristopherVise #JackMaxell