Commitment

    Commitment... Something I have tried often, failed even after long periods of it. I never quite knew why. Why is commitment so hard for me? Starting early on I've had commitments including committing to someone who I thought I would live the rest of my life with, only to be cheated on. Committing to school to eventually go to college for many degrees, but breaking my commitment due to unforeseen health issues forcing me to give up entirely at the time. I've tried committing to my first online business, but after barely making any money and a relationship distracting me from it I had to give it up. Other commitments have just ended up being too small to be considered a commitment or from very toxic experiences. 

    How do I feel about commitment now? Well, I definitely don't want to seek it relationship-wise. But commitments aren't just relationships, they can come in many forms. Without reading the definition, what do things do you define as commitment? Most we don't ever really think of, most of the time we just think of it in the relationship aspect. Committing to another person. It is so much more than that.

Definitions of commitment

noun

 the act of binding yourself (intellectually or emotionally) to a course of action
“his long commitment to public service”
synonyms:
allegiance, dedication, loyalty 

(source: Vocabulary.com definition) 

    Commitments can be small and mundane, such as committing to a better sleep schedule. Committing to finish something by a deadline. Committing to eat healthier. What about exercising? That's a common failed commitment. Committing to drinking enough water every day. Getting your hair or nails done (home or salon) every month? That's a commitment! Really, commitments can be all kinds of things. Big or small, for pleasure, or for betterment. Commitment is everywhere. It's just sometimes easier to make some commitments for some people. 

    I know I have struggled with a few commitments in my life. Sleep has been the longest running, even with the help of doctors when I was a little kid I could not keep a proper sleep schedule like all the other kids. Relationship, that's obviously been a struggle, but I'm giving up that struggle, mostly because I already have a few ideal commitments I want to commit to before I try to bring anyone else into my life like that. How can I fully commit to someone if I can't even commit to anything for myself??

    What kind of commitments am I struggling to keep right now? Sleep schedule still of course. But also fitness. I want to commit to working out but I always find ways out of it. I just want to make my body a bit more fit. I am also having a hard time committing to projects. I am always doubting myself so I just give up halfway through. Self-care, that is probably the hardest commitment I am struggling with at this moment.

    Why is self-care such a challenge?? I've been told by my counselor to start spending at least an hour for self-care for myself because of how spread thin I am from my daily life. But half the time I can't even get the motivation to go to my room and start working on self-care. Plus what the hell would I even do? I don't even really know where to start when it comes to self-care. I have some ideas but I am kind of limited right now. Maybe I can somehow make working out, sleeping right, and self-care all one commitment, but I have no clue how. I really don't know where to start. 

    There are so many commitments I want to make with myself to better myself and improve my future, but I keep failing at them. So in all reality how am I in a position to have a commitment to another human being if I can not push myself to even commit to something for myself? If I can't commit to myself, no one should expect me to commit to another person. Commitments with myself are hard, commitments with others just feels impossible when I can't give myself what I need. A commitment to myself to have an amazing life should be easy, right? Why does it have to be so hard? There is so much I want to have a consistent ritual of to better myself but it just feels like it's impossible to commit for longer than a few months. 

    My main issue is I really have zero control of the time in my life, so much outside forces affect how and when things play out, so I barely have any way to set a schedule for myself and my commitments. Plus it feels like all the selfish self-care stuff takes too much time, or costs a lot, or takes a lot of energy. Without being a selfish cunt (pardon my language) it wouldn't be easy for me to set time aside literally for myself. How I was raised, self-care is just selfishness for people who have money.

    Don't get me wrong, I really wish I commit to some things. Better sleep schedule, daily workouts, daily skin/hair/body care, weekly projects, going out for photography more often, staying hydrated, so many things. But for some reason I can't ever fully commit. I keep finding excuses. I blame my time on others, lack of money because I'm wasting time self-caring instead of working, etc. Somewhere in my dysfunctional mind, things just don't work right for commitments. If I had money I would hire people like personal trainers and stuff, maybe then I would commit better. I need a solid experienced helping hand sometimes lol. Maybe if I had someone who was committed to these things that I would love to commit to and were trying to help me commit, maybe then it would work, I don't know, never had anyone who gave a shit about what I want to do or commit to that I know of lol..

    I haven't been able to stick to many commitments. I have been able to keep sticking to my nightly routine of cleaning and wearing my retainers for the past 2 years, but that's about it really. I try to keep up with soothing music while I sleep to help with the nightmares, but some nights it doesn't happen. Even when it comes to my medication I've had some hiccups with it. Whether the medicine was affecting me badly or I went without due to money or the doctor's office not calling it in soon enough. Same with my vitamins, I can't always afford them. There are so many factors disrupting my sleep that I give up on a decent sleeping schedule.  

    Everything is just so complicated. I want to commit but I guess my commitments are elsewhere, nowhere beneficial for me I guess. Maybe this time next year I will have actually kept a commitment to work out some and maybe take care of myself more, I guess. I don't know honestly, it's easier to keep up commitments for others, just not for myself. I am always committing to other routines for people, it seems easier, just never for myself. Maybe this time next year I will read this and still be wishing I could stick to a commitment to help myself. 

    Here is hoping I can figure out some kind of beneficial commitment to help me out. I really do want to make these commitments, but obviously not enough to stick with them when things get rocky. Things will always be rocky. Life is not getting easier for me, far from it. I wish I could find some ease. Maybe one day I will find the right routine to commit to and it will make life easier, but for now it feels like personal commitments are impossible. Until then, I will keep trying to find what sticks.

Kiss kiss meow,
Kitty <3

It's been awhile, here is a little update. (tried to keep it positive)

(photos at the end)

Some TRIGGER WARNING, briefly mentions topics regarding DV and abuse.

August marks 2 years since I last blogged, no sense in waiting till then. Comments and a surge in views has brought me back to this little corner of my online world. I kinda left you all on a cliffhanger with the DV blogs, huh? I hope it helped anyone who may have needed help with that topic/situation. I don't want to be so gloomy in this post so I wont put all the negative stuff here, maybe some other time so that way others can know what to expect after leaving an abusive situation. This post is going to be more positive and about all the good things I have experienced since leaving that horrible relationship. From now on I will try to update more often, regardless of if it is positive or not. I felt like it was not very safe to post here for awhile. But I am taking my blog back and going to try to blog more often... Unless if you, my readers, want me to vlogs on youtube instead, might start doing that. Let me know your thoughts. I think I have only done one vlog (well voice over while I painted) video.

Well for starters I have found a new best friend (the lovely Valencia Vulpes) in someone I met so many years ago but rarely had contact with. In fact, he did most of the talking to her while I was with him because I couldn't talk to many people outside of work & customers/fans. I feel like she is my other half, we are so alike and have the same dreams/goals. So not only did I find a best friend in her I found a business partner, perfect roomie, and someone I can learn from or learn with. She has helped me beat my fear of spiders by educating me and showing different ones to me so I could learn or interact with them. I've only been able to handle, yes physically handle, small jumping spiders. And feeding them is actually enjoyable haha. Eventually we will work towards larger spiders, like tarantulas 

We also started taking some classes. Our favorite class is the Darkroom class, it was fun and simple, but eventually we do hope to have our own darkroom since we both still shot film. Hopefully one day we will have an enlarger so we can make our own prints. We have also been collecting old cameras. Soon I will learn how to repair them and get them back to working. Some are digital and some are film. I do have a wonderful working 1st generation Mamiya 645 film camera. I love it even though I can only shoot 15 frames with it. It takes wonderful photos. I can't wait to see how the other cameras shoot. 

On top of all that I have been learning about cameras I have also started my own photography business. I did some volunteer work with an animal rescue in my hometown, it was so fun working with all those furry models. I can not explain how awesome it is to sit in the middle of a room and be covered in kittens/cats begging for affection. Honestly, it is incredible... I don't get many gigs at the moment but I have had some awesome ones. I haven't done much since I got sick a few months ago, I'm just now getting back to work. Recovery has been rough but I did study a lot while I was on bed rest. I have been having some complications with advertising online for my photography, my ex has tried to contact me through it, so for now I am sticking with local/by word of mouth advertising, it really makes it a challenge.

Because of my photography business I have done a lot of traveling, which just makes me love what I do even more. I have seen so many new things, photographed things I never could before. I have advanced so much with my photography during these two years. Every time I am taking photos my appreciation just grows. I want to see and learn it all, anything to do with cameras or photography I want to be involved in it. Photography is my life. I could never give it up. I am so thankful and I feel blessed that photography is the one and only thing I was allowed for so long. Without photography I don't think I could have kept going in life against the odds. Throughout my photographer journey I have made some interesting friends who dabble with all kinds of styles of photography and all types of cameras or equipment. I do wish I could have plunged into the photography world sooner but I will not regret any moment I have now with photography. I don't think I could ever envision life without cameras or photography, it would be like life without air.

Valencia and I also have a ton of upcoming projects once we get a little bit of spending money in our pockets (you know, because bills always come first) so hopefully soon we will have some awesome creative things to show you. I don't want to give away too much detail but we will try to BTS the creative processes. I don't think I have ever encountered anyone else in my life who I can look at and just have a thousand ideas run through my head. She will not only be my model but she will also help when I model in front of the camera, this way my work won't be as self-shot and will have many better angles or just all around be better that what I could produce with a tripod and a remote. Plus we will be DIY'ing a lot of the props and wardrobes for our projects. 

I've been doing other work outside of SW & photography. I do social work for the elderly and/or disabled who are not 100% independent. I do anything from basic cleaning, shopping, errands, to very deep exhausting house cleaning and yard work, some medical stuff, and other odds and ends. It does not pay much but I do enjoy the people I meet, and sometimes the perks are nice, the current hoard clean up I am working on has some old cameras and the client is letting me keep them. I also get to keep some of the wife's cookware if any are usable, we just started in the kitchen/dining area. I also get to dig up any plants outside. The client and their family is unable to care for the property and no longer lives there just needs it cleaned out before demolition, I have to sift through the hoard and rubble to find anything that may have value to the client, only have a list of what might be there and what to do with it but not an actual list. Some things are trash, some will go to goodwill, some will go into their storage (thankfully I will probably never have to see or deal with what could be in storage), and some I can keep though there isn't much I would keep aside of the camera stuff. 

Sometimes my job is a big ordeal, but some days it is just being there to keep the client company. It's very enjoyable, especially hearing old war stories or childhood tales. I've learned a lot from many of my clients. Though some clients are not so coherent or aware of much of what is going on. I have learned a lot about dementia since starting. Dementia is not just a struggle for the patient but also with their families. Their families suffer so much. The patients lose.all real logic, memory, and understanding. I don't want to go into depth of the things I have witnessed as I feel it can cross the line to shaming someone. The real shame is these people once worked hard and paid their taxes, tried to have the american dream of retiring, but life doesn't work like that. Social security doesn't really pay or help them. Some can get $17 in monthly food stamps, wtf? I will not get started on the healthcare these people have to put up with. You would think if someone worked so hard for their whole life they would end up in better places. And it's just terrible that such a disease and many others like it can take over humans, trapping them in an eternal hell, most of the time dragging their families along. 

I also took a food sensitivity test to find out exactly what has been causing me problems, and all I can admit to eating often (egg whites, chicken, ginger, parsley, and others. Now that I know what to avoid I can find and try almost any recipe. Needless to say, I have been the house chef for a while now. We eat really good, a lot of meal prepping so we can find the best deals on meats for low prices, but only good quality meats. I've made many restaurant copycat recipes, often tweaking them to make them better. Everyone who has tried my cooking loves it, no matter how healthy it sounds lol. I also prepare oven ready/freezer to oven meals for a few clients so they can easily enjoy home cooked meals. Valencia and I have also been experimenting with natural food color. It's nice finding ways to add a little color to our lives without me having a reaction to the dyes. I wish we had these options when I was growing up.

On the subject of food, I no longer look like a skeleton, I have finally gained weight. I still have some dietary issues from food tolerance issues but I am currently dealing with the mental aspect of it. My ex would sometimes jokingly call me a fat ass, I was okay with that, taking it as a joke. But when I was drastically under weight, I had weighed 105lbs, POUNDS, (I am 5ft 7in) I was barely anything, I had no muscle, I was weak, malnourished, and always sick from the shitty food he wanted to eat. He was such a picky eater, to him everything I cooked was prison food. But I had to suffer. He didn't like when we had to get food from different places. With as weak as I was, I rarely had the energy to cook for just myself when he would get take out, so I might as well since I was paying for the take out or fast food.  Still he would point out my "cottage cheese ass" or tell me often how I need to work out, practically pointing out every flaw on me that could be caused by even a 1lb weight change. Told me a few times if I got fat he would leave me, lol I should have just gotten fat. So even though I would laugh at the fat ass jokes the other things he would say would stick in the back of my head. Even now... I am now a healthy weight, I'm proud of it, but I'm still not used to or fully comfortable with seeing this new body. All the past shaming has really screwed up my self confidence, I didn't really have it from the start, but now it just doesn't seem like it exists. I look at myself and I just hear his words in my head putting me down for how I look. Now not only do I have to deal with the CPTSD, conditioning, depression, ext I also now struggle with my body image more than I ever have in my life...

That wasn't very positive... The positive aspect is I am now at a healthy weight, I am almost happy with it, but above all I am proud of myself. I've even been doing it with healthy foods, it's not like I eat fast food or junk food, that stuff makes me sick. I just cook fresh and from scratch. I also mostly like my butt haha, it's nice and juicy, despite the inner combat from the conditioning. Im working on getting over it and loving every single inch of my body, perfect or flawed. It is my body and it has allowed me to somehow survive this long. I appreciate it for the mental or physical strength it provides me to carry on. Some pains remind me of how close I came to death (intentional or accidental, may never know, that's okay) and some parts remind me that just because I was not born with a perfect body, it doesn't mean everything is impossible.

I finally got 3 new tattoos. I now have a total of 4. My first and oldest tattoo is still there, that will be a future project.  As for the new ones, I have one on my wrist as a permanent reminder to myself, it has a very deep meaning to me so that will be something I would have to dedicate a new blog to. I did get a tattoo honoring my love of flying squirrels and that my babies will always be with me, alive or waiting at the rainbow bridge for me.  I have a snake slithering up my foot and leg, it's a reminder of someone, that one is also a very sentimental and personal one that would have to have a blog too. I have a few other ideas for tattoos but I have to wait until my income picks up. Until then I am just saving the ideas for the future. I think some will be super cheap and my tattoo artist is okay with me getting a few in one day. Though one tattoo will require a lot more time, I'm currently trying to hunt down someone who can draw my tattoo for me, it will be a big piece, but not the biggest I have planned. If anyone wants a tattoo blog, please let me know. More ink coming in the future. 

Valencia taught me to knit, I've only been knitting for a little over two months now, it's great to distract my mind when I get overwhelmed or depressed.  It's a better, but not perfect, way to direct my stress, I am still looking for other ways to efficiently de-stress. I have a few completed pieces, but a few works in progress (wip). I'm hoping I can maybe get good enough to sell some knitted items.Only time will tell. I am just happy to finally have learned to knit. Valencia explained it so well it was easy once I started. I still make some mistakes but now I know how to correct them or just learn to keep going. I am also hoping to really learn sewing so I can start creating some of our costumes for our projects. Some things we just can't buy the costumes for. Maybe one day I can help others with custom made costumes or props. 

I sold my jeep, now I am free of the ungodly high monthly car note. Ugh that was ridiculous. I somehow managed to never be late on payments, but a lower minimum would have been nice, not nearly $800. Up to this time last year I was paying $900 or more a month to try to pay it off faster. I'm so glad that is over and done with. My ex can also no longer threaten me since we had the jeep in both of our names, and he would talk about repoing it or saying it was stolen, not to mention he would lie about paying for it when he hardly worked enough to make a complete payment on it. Anyways, enough lingering on that... Finally, I can move on to better, cheaper options. Now the sucky part is eventually going to the DMV. I absolutely hate the DMV, and the pandemic hasn't made it any easier. Plus I have no idea how much I have to pay the DMV in registration fees. Does anywhere in this country have a decent DMV? It's like none do.

I know I have mentioned I've been learning a lot of photography and cooking stuff, but not only that I have been learning a lot about nature, plants, insects, and wildlife. Also some history stuff. There were so many things the schools never taught us. Now that I'm free to focus on whatever I want I have been learning so many things. Eventually we will have a produce garden too since groceries keep going up. We cook with a lot of fresh produce so it would help our grocery expenses. I guess I also need to mention that one day I will be doing a huge fundraiser for some property V & I have our eye on, we just have to wait for some red tape to clear up on some before we can buy, thankfully the properties won't just sell before we know it. We aren't sure if we will remodel or rebuild yet. The fundraising and location will play a key part of it but we have time. I have to focus on work now so we will be ready in the future. Thankfully with the two of us this will be easy. 

I feel like if I keep going this post will be endless. It's just that so much has happened, positive changes, and so many good experiences in just two years. Before January 2020, I didn't think 80% of these things would have been possible for me, I was so trapped and blinded, now I realize everything is possible and I no longer have a limit. I need to blog these things more often so I don't have to dump long updates like I am with this one. I also hope to blog some of our future projects, experiences, achievements, and memories. Writing about the positive stuff really helps. So my advice to you is, when you are depressed and not able to perceive the positivity in your life, take a moment to write about the little things that you experience that makes you happy, write about how much you survived or how far you have came in life, write about your happiest memories and how they cheer you up, but also write about your saddest memories and how you will never have to experience them again because you are in a better place now. I hope life treats you well. Stay hydrated!


Kiss kiss meow,
Kitty Moon <3


P.S. I have a few topics I am thinking about writing, please let me know if any interest you: CPTSD/PTSD, Darkroom photography, my tattoos, knitting, the pandemic, Stockholm syndrome, future content goals, raising caterpillars, squirrels lol, random adventures, alternative healing stuff, and anything anyone request I talk about. I am always open to answering questions or discussions. Also I may open the discussion about how my readers may feel about me doing a YouTube channel for my projects, my experiences, and whatever else, if you are interested in that, please let me know. 

I can see a future

If you have read my previous blogs (Crazy goal? & Venting) you will already know I am suddenly being evicted so the landlord can most likely move her adult kid in therefore I am trying to save up for a camper trailer...

To add to this camper trailer idea I just found out that I can even volunteer here at one of the state parks anywhere I want in the state and get free residency at the park's camp ground while I am volunteering. I can do this and travel around the state while doing it too. I think it fits in perfectly with my plans. I was already planning to stay at them for some work content and some wildlife photography but now I can do it for free.

I don't think I have ever had such a spontaneous idea grow into such a clear future for me. Last few months, maybe even years my future was always a bit foggy for me. Now I feel hopeful for once... slightly.

I do not know, I am also burnt out.  My landlord has not made things easier on me and it really feels like the harder I try to reach a goal the harder it is to reach, and she is apart of the problem. I am sooooo behind on work and sucky part is I have no one to get any help from now since my one local friend in the city is the landlord's daughter, and I'm really starting to believe the "friend" told the landlord about my line of work... You would think she would not after so many years.

Anyways, I have some down time this week, I am just stressed but hopefully things will get better soon. I just have to get out of here first then things will be good. Until then Ill keep blogging, I feel like it's helping prevent insanity from the pressure.

On another note, I really would enjoy sharing some wildlife photos on my blogs here one day. I just have not taken any since moving in here, but traveling would change that. I think it would help me find myself again.

Kiss kiss meow,
Kitty <3 p="">

Venting

My idea to get a camper trailer is now a need... With my situation its impossible for me to find a place to rent to me, my credit history is too immature, blah blah blah. I'm used to the challenges of finding places to rent while being self-employed like I am and all that. I get that I need more of a credit history before I can just buy something.

But what I am not used to or understanding is why is my landlord making it harder and harder for me to even work? She just dropped the news on me the 18th of April but immediately she told me 3 different dates of when people were coming to the house but they never showed. They finally showed after days of me missing work and orders.

Instead it has been nothing but problems back to back. Every little chance my landlord gets she schedules some kind of appointment or something for somebody to come out, without even discussing things with me. The most recent time being she had text me and asked me if this one time/day was good for me and I told her no for once(after the dozen or so random pop ups/unexpected appointments) because I already had things scheduled for that time and then she blew up at me. I’ve told her many times before that I work from home and I need a heads up before she can just pop up so I can arrange things for work. This made her so mad when I told her I was not able to do it at that time but offered other options when she could come by. She was pissed.

What is the point of asking if a date is good or not if you’re not even willing to change it when the person says it’s not a good day? The worst part is, after I offered her like all of next week as an option if she wanted to make it a legal matter because “I’m your landlord”. Like hold up, it doesn’t matter she’s already interfered with my work if she wants to be paid her rent then she is going to let me work, that is that. I’m not about to fall short on rent because she is hindering me from making HER money. (that she will end up spending on her adult daughter)

After a long argument she finally decided to just go ahead and reschedule for next week (because she had already scheduled before even discussing it with me.)... But that wasn’t the end of it. She did up sitting at her longer again. So another day that I had planned to be working I am interrupted by the loud workers, again. I even caught one of the workers just pretending to be working in front of my freaking door on my porch with the leaf blower just to be loud. Like this is the type of person who will pay other people money to aggravate other people to get their way. This is pure entitlement between her and her daughter who has decided she doesn’t want to live in their basement anymore, that’s all they are, just entitled.

Now for me being a month behind on my work and now trying to figure out how I’m going to move is stressing me out. I’m really only just stressed because every single morning before at 7am. There’s some kind of construction or loud noises going on around the neighborhood so loud to the point I just can’t sleep anymore. Most of my work takes place in the afternoon and evenings late into the night, so I cant always just go to bed early. Instead I go to bed late and I am woken up super early. Now I just am exhausted.

I’m tired of the city life. I think it’s time for me to get out of the city. So my previous blog talking about how I want to get a camper trailer is no longer just in idea, it is a need to survive. Right I’m having a hard time finding a place to rent that will except me and with as impossible as my landlord is being I just want to get out as soon as possible. I cannot deal with her. She is doing everything she can to just push me out right now but she knows she has to stay within the law.

I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life. This camper trailer is my best and only option for me and my squirrels but it’s been slow progress getting closer to getting a camper trailer.

If you want to help me get closer to this goal please check out my previous blog: Crazy goal?

Kiss kiss meow,
Kitty Moon





(This is kind of a "Venting (Part 1)" so please subscribe and stay tuned for a "Venting (Part 2)" regarding the current situation.

I'm back

Sorry about my little hiatus this past week. I've had so much going on and just felt too overwhelmed but I am not dead yet lol I just needed a break, my mind didn't want to focus on reading or typing or anything really.

I've kept a lot to myself the past few months, I don't think it was or is healthy for me to just bottle it up like I have been. I also wanted to wait until I had some answers before I talked about somethings. I didn't want to sound sure of one thing and another happen instead.

To start, a few months ago I was in a wreck. There was a 3rd party involved that caused an accident between another vehicle and mine. No one was hurt, thankfully. My truck took most of the damage to the tire, so I thought. The other vehicle just needs new doors. Long story short after multiple shops working on my truck and me having to repetitively scream at my insurance that they have not fixed my truck, my truck is finally at a shop who knows what they are doing and now the insurance realizes the issues ARE IN FACT from the wreck. *rolls eyes* One day I'll talk about this little scam insurance companies have going on with slightly older vehicles.
Now the verdict is it will be in the shop until at least February, maybe much later since they have to special order my parts. After that Ill decide if I want to keep it or sale it even though I just dropped a new motor in it this year.

Also my half brother from my dad was just diagnosed with cancer and is finishing up his treatment. Crazy as this sounds, I've never met my half brother. I only found out about him later on in life. I had always hoped and wanted to meet him... But now he's gotten sick, I feel unsure if I will get to meet him. I cant afford a trip to see him. If I could afford any trip I would go see my mom. And they live in opposite directions and I'm in the middle.

And every time I talk to my mom I always learn more depressing news. I can hardly take any more bad news. She's still unemployed after the company she worked with for most of my life went under. She is barely getting by just like me. I would love to fly her up here but she has to take care of my aunt who can no longer care for herself after a stroke a few years ago. I just really miss my mom, it's been so long since I've seen her or really spent time with her and I want to tell her so much. One day Ill visit her hopefully.

These past few months have been rough. Money has been very tight for me. My account keeps over drafting so I just keep putting more into bank fees than my stomach. On top of necessary auto-pay bills I keep having sudden expenses come out of me. I'm hardly able to eat let alone take care of myself. I am just stuck in a really bad place in life right now.

I needed a few days off from the internet. I took time to edit and fight with every inconvenience to try to get holiday content done. After I finish this I'm going to try to get some done finally. *fingers crossed* As long as nothing else unexpected happens. I set so many high expectations for myself but I always end up failing myself more than I fail others.

Even my goals are starting to seem impossible because I cant dedicate enough time and energy to reach them right now.

Things will get better right?

Anyways, I am back from my hiatus, I am very sorry if I concerned anyone. Thank you for those who reached out to me. *hugs* Love you!

Kiss kiss meow!
Kitty <3 p="">

The one deity you should worship

de·i·ty/ˈdēədē,ˈdāədē/
noun
noun: deity; plural noun: deities
   a god or goddess (in a polytheistic religion). "a deity of ancient Greece"   synonyms: god, goddess, divine being, supreme being, divinity, immortal;

• divine status, quality, or nature. "a ruler driven by delusions of deity"

• the creator and supreme being (in a monotheistic religion such as Christianity). noun: Deity; noun: the Deity

• a representation of a god or goddess, such as a statue or carving.

Before I get into detail I want to give a disclaimer. I am not telling you or others to drop their religion/spiritual beliefs to worship another. I am simply telling you one deity you CAN worship while still practicing your current religion/spiritual beliefs.

Hopefully you may have read my last blog "On the shore of the ocean of beliefs", otherwise this might not make a whole lot of sense. I will be referring back to the previous blog often so make sure to check it out if you get a bit lost.

So as I talked about before there are people out there who use religion and spiritual beliefs as a way to get attention. Some will convert and pray to a god in hopes the god will bless them with the notoriety and prosperity they seek. Some use religions and spiritualities as an aesthetic on social media to gain followers. Some will often change beliefs regularly just for the trending aspect of those beliefs. 

All to receive attention and some sort of fame from others instead of working hard to earn it themselves. That's not how it works. Religion is not meant for those purposes. If you want your fame your not going to get it by publicly posting about you religion. You can practice the religion or spirituality that you feel is right in your heart for you while giving attention to the deity I am about to tell you about. You can do both, and you could possibly attain that fame you seek.

There is a deity that you can worship that will allow you to achieve your dreams, goals, and even popularity if that is what you seek. This deity is beyond powerful, more powerful than any other out there. The deity is neither evil or good, it is literally how YOU perceive the deity to be. This deity is rarely spoken about as a god/goddess. It is such an ignored deity that is should be a crime how much people don't pay it any mind. The deity I speak of is absolutely amazing, very unique. This deity is truly 1 in 7.5B people, that's how unique. 

Who am I talking about you ask? Is it that unimportant that you don't even know where I'm going with this? Or do you know who I am talking about but just reading to see how this pans out? I can't give you the exact name of the deity, but I can say one thing. 

The deity is one's self... You. Are. Your. Own. Deity.... As I am my own deity. It's not a sin in any religion to believe in yourself (if it is considered a sin in one religion then that's just terrible) as well as the god(s)/goddess(es) you believe in, worship, and follow. Have you ever once seen yourself as a being with divine nature? Do you never look at yourself and go "I am amazing. I can do anything."? Or even during something you feel is impossible do think to yourself "If I can just get past this one thing then I will be happy.", and you get past that one thing... Have you ever realized you created your own blessings, miracles, answers to prayers, and luck? 

Even when I was in church so long ago I was taught that the Christian "god" will never give you a task you can not handle and that he doesn't always intervene. If that's the case how did all those good things happen to you after such low points in your life? Because you made it happen. Not a god. Not anyone else. YOU. You are your own deity, you are your own creator of your future.

If you wake up one day, put on your favorite clothes with confidence, and you carry that confidence with you no matter what, others will perceive you as an amazing confident person surrounded with positivity. If you wake up one day, pissed the fuck off at the world everyone will feel that anger then get frustrated for no reason and you would only create more negativity in and for yourself.

If you tell yourself you can do anything, 99% of the time you can do anything. Almost like 'The Little Engine That Could' with the "I think I can, I think I can..." then next thing you know, you can and are doing what you set your mind too. 

The key is, not to be arrogant about it. Others will try to convince people they are the best in the world. It's not about that. It's about making your dreams come true. It is also about remembering everyone else is their own deity as well, so you can't force people to leave their personal deity behind to worship you. That is more or less abuse of your divine status. And just flat out wrong. If you see yourself as a god or goddess respect your other human gods and goddesses, do not get arrogant or egotistical.

As for me, it was not until recently I truly discovered this. Since I have started to respect myself and to care or worship myself more I have noticed a MAJOR change in my life. I have so much more confidence. I can look at myself in the mirror now and think "damn, I look good." Not only do I have confidence, I also have more happiness and peace. I'm achieving more of my goals. I'm completing projects I've wanted to do for months. I am very happy with my work while still growing to learn more. 

I have put myself, my likes, and my desires first, so much so now anything feels possible. It felt impossible trying to compare or compete with others, or to even try to follow other peoples demands. I 'worship' myself and I can feel the power in me to take on anything. I even have more people approach me online and IRL just because I "have a ethereal glow surrounding me" from what one person said to me. 

I've carried this positivity around with me for a few weeks and I can not explain the many small bursts of luck I have attained with this positivity. From being gifted free books at a book store, to free and big discounts on vintage clothing from a boutique I will now forever go to. I even found two wallets in one day (I returned one since I saw the person near by and I am about to mail the other one since they have not contacted me through a found ad I posted.)

You really do create your luck. You do not have to broadcast who you worship or believe for likes when you can just be more confident in yourself and stay true to yourself. People love and feed off of confidence. Be yourself, praise yourself, pray to yourself, worship yourself, love yourself and others will follow. Do not try to be like everyone else. Stop trying so hard to follow trends to get noticed. Be yourself and people will probably start to crawl to you. 

Lol I know I have a few 'followers/fans/friends' who enjoy me for being myself and not trying to be like the others, and I am so thankful for them that often times I feel I owe them, so often times I do spoil them a little bit. (You can be spoiled too if you checked out my ManyVids for FREE vids, make sure to leave reviews for more treats... yes I know this is a shameless self-plug but hey, I make my own future, does not mean I cant promote myself lol) Even though most people in the sex work/adult industry demand you spoil them, it's not just about someone getting off to content. It's also about the people who follow you for who you are as well. So even if you and them see you as a god/goddess it does not mean you can take advantage.

Don't be cocky and arrogant. Stay humble, but remember you are the creator of your future.

(Photo of me by me in 2016, please ask before use)

Maybe my next blog will be about how I "worship" myself and how you can worship yourself too be the best deity for yourself that you can be. "Before you turn the camera on" does include some of the tips. Just remember, you don't always have to do a gods work, but you can do your own work and make something out of yourself and future.

Kiss kiss meow!

On the shore of the ocean of beliefs

I'm breaking rules, my own rules. I know I always said there were two things I wouldn't ever really talk about: religion and politics. Yet here I am breaking that rule as today's topic will be religion, or the fake practice of spiritual beliefs to gain attention.

Since my truck is down and I don't have much transportation I have been spending a bit more time online. Lately I have been coming across a few people I once followed online on social media announcing their new convergence to a different religion/spiritual belief. I'm all cool with that. I'm open to all religions and everyone having their own opinions on religion even though I don't have set beliefs tied to one single religion as I was taught (plus self-taught) about most of the religions in the world. I never found one category I fell in completely, so I have my own beliefs.

This is not what this is about...

My issue isn't with them changing religions. My issue is their reason for them changing their religions. From what I have seen I would say about 75% of the time they are converting just for selfish reasons. One person I am speaking about has converted to the religion of the person they are obsessed with in hopes to get closer to that person and have more in common with them. Not because they feel in their heart that its a religion for them or that they even see the religion as the one true religion in their eyes.

Another example I've seen is people converting in hopes that prayer, worship, and everything else they do tied to the religion/beliefs will allow them to attain the notoriety and prosperity that they so deeply desire. They want to take the lazy way out by depending on an invisible deity to do the work for them to make them their fame. They will not work for it themselves, they just pray (more like beg) to their deity for the "handout" of which they ask for. They often believe just saying its their belief will persuade the deity to take notice.

This next example is one that is worse the the above examples. The worst of the worse. The most selfish, lazy, disrespectful reasons to claim ties to a religion. That example is when someone constantly changes their beliefs based on trends and popularity. They don't care about the religion or spirituality. They don't care about those who DO take the religion/spiritual beliefs seriously. They use religion as if its a designer handbag. Always trying to talk about it on social media, always using those hashtags or keywords for more likes when IRL they don't even do a percentage of the things related to the religion that they say do.

There are even people who often change their "beliefs" just to fit the trends. Or those who claim to believe one thing yet shortly after claim to believe another thing that goes completely against their previous claim. One example is someone who claimed to be non-God believing Atheist also claims a week later to be a Satanist. One of the most common myths to Christians is that Atheist believe/worship Satan when in fact most Atheist who do not believe there is a God also do not believe there is a Satan since Satan is the "evil rival" to God. You can not claim one thing then shortly after claim another when its as conflicting as it is.

I'm seeing it more and more lately. Why its bothersome to me is people stopped taking religion seriously. Now people are either extremist or fake. Religion isn't what is used to be, and that's a problem. Even though religion isn't taken seriously anymore we as humans are reverting back to being super judgmental on different religions mainly because of the extremists and the fakes.

I fear that in a short time all religions will just be a joke or the cause of a lot of pain or even both at the same time. Religions are loosing their value and meanings. It's terrible. All because people go about them the wrong way.

There is a right way to follow your religion/belief while gain the fame with spirituality like you desire so badly without abusing your religion. Just no one seems to want to do it. There is so much more to it. Its simple but yet so complex (apparently) most people wouldn't even think of it.

My next blog will talk about how to gain your fame with spiritual beliefs. Stay tuned because that is next. Like really, next, right after this blog I will start on the next one.

Here are some pretty photos I took of the ocean last year

(Photo by me in 2016, please ask before use)

Kiss kiss meow!

Dark Places

So much has gone on and I haven't even really talked about it. Just all my misfortune. I feel miserable. It puts my mind in a dark place. I get tired of always having the crappy end of the stick. Its hard to stay out of those dark places when your alone. There's no one to pull you out, your mind keeps sinking even when you get closer to the surface.

No matter how hard I try I feel like I am always knocked backwards. Nothing works out as planned, I always end with set backs in life. It's a fact I learned a very long time ago. Often times I wonder why I keep repeating lesson in life over and over. Unwillingly. I can never get out of the cycle. I really think about that when my mind is in a dark place. 

I have really bad health. Because of that I have no degrees, no diplomas, no good usable work history, no government assistance, no family for 1500 miles but they wont or cant help anyways. I have nothing. Nothing but rent, bills, and bad health. Some weeks I make nothing, some weeks I can make some money by online sex work, some weeks I can make hundreds off of rare parts from cars I work on or strip down to nothing. 

Unfortunately, with $2k rent prices here, utilities, and medical bills it gets very hard to afford ANYTHING else. Even worse when your health is so messed up you have to have a specific diet that costs more than what people spend on food. I am thankful for those who send me gifts containing toys and lingerie. I am thankful for those who buy a video or two from me. 

I don't sale my videos for a grand haha. Sometimes my online sex work doesn't pay the bills. I bust my ass working on cars as much as I can. It's something I know. It's something I can do without moving around or lifting much. And since I am self-employed I can work on my own time. Meaning I wont be fired for being late or having a sick day or week.

During the times I am sick it is much easier to sink in those dark places. Thoughts float in my head like "why do I try so hard to live when I will live my whole life mostly sick until I die?" or even the much darker thoughts like "I know it will affect, possibly even hurt my family and friends if they knew everything about my health and how it burdens me.". I am never detail specific with about 95% of my health to the people who know me. 

You can imagine who I turn to when I am down and out of luck sinking in a dark place... No one. 

That's a horrible way to live. Especially when you always feel cursed. Bad health + bad luck = very deep dark places. Thankfully I have a size extra small life vest. The only things that helps me float are my rescued fur babies. They depend on me, without me all the rehabilitation and effort to make them healthy and happy would be for nothing because without me they would probably die or be killed. They couldn't survive.

I was hoping writing this blog would help detract me. It has, enough. I'm in the shallows now. I just hope sleep will come easy when I lay down later. On another note I did pick up an old book of Edgar Allen Poe's work. At least those dark places I enjoy and willingly go to. I like dark and spooky, just not dark and depressing. I've always preferred to go to sleep scared rather than go to sleep sad. I should probably get something to eat. I have not not ate since yesterday evening. I have not had the time nor the appetite to eat today. At the same time its already after midnight, its almost 1am. 

Tomorrow is another day, another dollar as they say. Work to live, live to work. I'm too broke from being sick and rent last week to not try to work tomorrow. 

Kiss kiss meow!

The Golden Rule

"Treat others how you want to be treated"

As a young child I always heard that phrase. Whether I over heard someone telling their kid this or if it was my own family telling me. Regardless, that simple phrase was embedded into my mind (possibly my soul as well) for the rest of my life. Not only did I grow up learning this way, I continued to live my life by that one rule.

I always treated others how I want to be treated. Always. Well, at least one side of that rule I applied to my life. What no one ever teaches you when it comes to this rule is that it has two sides. One, the obvious, if you want people to be nice to you then be nice to them. Two, the side no one speaks about, you treat others the way they treat(-ed) you.

My problem is I am always nice, respectful, accepting, honest, believing, open-minded, forgiving, and giving many chances to people in hopes they will in return do the same to me. Oh, how naive I have been. No one ever returns the favors/actions/energies I put out. No matter how many chances I give them. I am always disrespected, deceived, and judged.

Recently, I had a friend contact me after nearly a year of no contact. Let me tell you why lost contact. After all the help I offered, all the options I gave them to make their life better, after all the times I was there when they were down or hurt, after all the effort and time I put into this friendship I was treated so unfairly. This person blew up at me, started judging things like my adult work when they talked about getting into it, they would seek my advice only to never take it and be mad at me when things went bad. Long story short we had a falling out and this friend did not treat me how I treat them. So I took a step back.

We didn't speak for awhile. After this person got out of a shitty relationship that I often kept warning them about and trying to help them get out of their situation, even offering them a place to stay while they were with that person. This person reached out to me saying they were sorry for their stupidity, that I was a good friend for never being judgmental and always just wanting to help. Basically for the first time in my life I did not respond to this person nor knew how I could. So I never replied. Finally, I am close to treating someone how they showed they wanted to be treated. Reason I say close is because I can't be as harsh as they were to me.

It's always been me treating people very well only to be treated badly in return. I am know as the friend to go to when someone is having trouble. From animal help, relationship advice, emergency money, a place to sleep, etc. I always help out when someone needs it. I can not tell you how many people's cars I have helped repair, but when I am stranded with a flat tire or dead battery, or even spending 6 months with out a vehicle after a wreck, no one comes to my rescue. (except one time to help push my wrecked vehicle into the garage, that is honestly the only time someone has came to my aid.)

If I am hanging out with friends and I get hungry, often times I will pay for their meal as well so I do not feel bad about eating in front of them. Even now that I have a vehicle again I've already given rides to several people, but the last 6 months I was either paying a fuck load for a rental car or taking a Lyft because I could never get a ride to anywhere for anything no matter how many days in advance I ask or how much gas money I offered.

This isn't just a recent thing. This has been going on all my life, only now I notice it much more and I try not to be so giving to everyone. I still treat people so much better than how I am treated. I doubt that will ever change, but I do need to learn to say "No" when people expect me to do things for them when I already know they wont return the favor. I need to stop giving so many chances to people who do not deserve them.

I should start treating others like how they treat me. I should blow them off when they need help. I should ignore them when I don't need anything. I should judge them and tell them how wrong they are. I should refuse to help fix their vehicle. I should eat in front of them and not offer them food. I should call them up in the middle of the night when I am upset and expect them to answer. I should ask for money and expect them to give it to me. I should only listen to half of what they say and forget the rest. I should do a million things differently like the people I know do.

But that's not me.

Instead, I just need to change how I go about things. I wish they had classes on things like this. [How to tone down the niceness but still be nice 101 and other adult lessons] Honestly I really wish this was something I do not have to learn so late in my life. That saying "Can't teach an old dog new tricks", is true. When you are taught something sometimes it's hard to unlearn it, no matter how much you despise that 'trick' you were forced to learn.

Like the first time you touched a hot burner and learned you will never touch it again because it hurt to touch it. After many times of getting hurt from being to nice or giving to others, you would think you would learn as quickly as you did with the hot burner. Nope. It's not like that. This is something I have to learn to unlearn in order to make my life a bit less painful. And this is the beginning of my learning experience.

I should have never lived my life by that stupid golden rule that gets good people hurt.

Kiss kiss meow!

All that is gold does not glitter

Today was strange. For the first time ever someone called me disabled. They aren't wrong. They are also not correct.

I do have an old injury to my shoulder, the cause of the injury I will save for another day.

Needless to say over the years my shoulder will have spells of intense pain for a few days or weeks and then all the other times it will be fine, giving me no issues. Sometimes it will act up, sometimes its easy to forget its been injured (but still to hard to forget how it was injured)...

For the past week now my shoulder has been bothering me and today it is pretty much useless. I can not do anything with it but keep it against my body and motionless. Regardless of the pain I still have to get stuff done. I don't have a helper or anything so I always have to suck it up and just deal with it. Including going to the store.

I tried not to make it obvious that I can not move my arm around, most people did not even pay any attention, which is good. I do not like getting attention that could induce pity on me from strangers. Apparently one girl my age noticed while we were in the check out line. How did I know she noticed?

Well, the cashier was a male, there was only me, and the girl and her friend in the line and in that area. While I am standing there talking to the cashier as he is scanning my stuff I heard the girl whisper (not very discretely) to her friend saying "That girl is handicapped...arm..", I just ignored it and went about check out. I didn't think it would phase me any, but as I was walking out of the store I couldn't get it out of my head.

She wasn't wrong, but she wasn't right. 

While my shoulder did handicap me for a day, it is far from the reason I am somewhat disabled. I am disabled for a whole different reason, a reason that no one could ever see, a reason that even the Social Security Administration region for my home state did not want to give me any assistance. A reason hidden behind my smile that I have to live with every single day for the rest of my life.

You see, I have a few conditions that people call "Invisible Illnesses (or diseases)" and "Chronic Illnesses (or diseases)". While they are real and exist in the most horrific ways, you can not see them from the outside. From a severely weak immune system to chronic pain to extreme allergies, I am riddled with so much pain and fatigue. I do not want to get into too much detail right now about my health, I will eventually explain everything.

Back to today's events. It did not bother me that this girl did not discreetly point out I am disabled to her friend, it did bother me that she assumed I was disabled for all the wrong reasons and for something so minor to me. I have fought for years for people to realize that just because I look normal does not mean I am. Same goes for anyone. There are millions of people who suffer with health problems and no one notices.

I really should not let it bother me, but this was the very first time EVER someone has considered me disabled without speaking to me. It's strange. It's just, it would have been better if this girl knew what all I have to go through daily to appear as normal as she is.

Anyways... I am a Spoonie, a girl with invisible illnesses and chronic diseases, I cant even be around sick children, I have a crazy strict diet now to prevent "flare-ups" and I fight my battles like a girl, but do so alone with no support. I am pretty damn proud of myself for making it this far.
** Side note: nothing I have is contagious or was given to me, most of my issues I was born with or developed over time **

So, moral of my story is, hell if I know... Don't judge a book by its cover? Appearances are often misleading? What really matters is invisible to the eyes? Don’t just look at the surface? Oh I know, my favorite: All that is gold does not glitter. I may look normal, but I am not, I am flawed to perfection. 😸

Kiss kiss meow!

Checking Out Chit Chat

It baffles me how I can go to the store for like one or two items and I go through check out (not self check out) pretty fast without the cashier saying a word. Sometimes they don't even tell me the total!

But when I actually go grocery shopping and get a good amount of items (more then self check out limit) the cashiers take more time scanning everything and chatting with me.

Most of the time when I so a lot of shopping, I'm standing there like, "FML! I stopped shopping because I feel like passing out, just hurry up so I can go sit down!!"And they usually try to talk to me about something random and pointless while they slowly grab and item, look it over a hundred times to find the bar code, scan it, slowly put it in the bag, and repeat.

Most of the time I'm not buying uncommon items so how do they not know where the bar codes are after scanning these items all the freaking time? Plus if anything, I should be paid by some brands for promoting them while checking out when some cashiers ask me a million questions about an item I got.

It would be 100% fine to chat all day, IF I could just sit down.

I don't want to be mean and just be like "Please hurry, I'm going to pass out." for many reasons. Mainly I don't want them to freak out and insist on calling for medical attention when this is something that I'm fairly used to as of lately.

There needs to be a signal to let them know I'm in a hurry and not just because I'm running late for something, more like I need to sit down but its not an emergency because its a common occurrence for me and I just really want to finish up so I can sit down please!

Even though I have been living with health problems for many years now I still find it very hard to explain little things to strangers. Like for example since I have trouble staying hydrated I sometimes drink Pedialyte when I get severely dehydrated, often times when I go through check out they usually say something along the lines of me having a sick baby back at home. I don't know how to respond so I just frown and nod then go back to fiddling with my wallet or shopping list.

And the baby subject is story on its own. Needless to say I have never had kids. Just fur kids. But I do buy a lot of products made for kids like kids cough medicine or kids bath wash. Reason being is some kids OTC medicine can be free of dyes or the nasty shit in NyQuil (and most DM meds or cough meds for adults) that I just so happen to have bad reactions to. Kids bath wash is usually dye free as well or hypoallergenic.

Sorry I went off topic...

As I was saying, some times I'm okay with small talk during check out but don't let it affect the speed in which you scan the items. I'm 100% sure the customers in line waiting would like for you to pick up the speed a little. If stores want to be the next chit-chat while you shop then they seriously should open more lanes and include chairs.

[END RANT]

Kiss kiss meow!

Food Stamps & Soda

I came across this video today. It bothers me in a way. It feels like they are trying to twist it all around. I want you to watch the video first then read my thoughts on it.

Food Stamp Household Budget 8.5 Billion Dollars To Soda Food Stamp Household Budget 8.5 Billion Dollars To Soda
Posted by David Wolfe on Monday, January 16, 2017 

(FYI I have no idea how to put vids in my blogs, but Im working on it, comment if you know how)

First, I want to point out that it is pretty messed up that people spend that much on soda with food stamps. Secondly, I understand because healthier drinks, sometimes even just water can cost so much more then soda.

Its not just the consumers fault, it is also the fact that companies bank on people spending so much more on healthier items that junk foods are cheaper and health foods are expensive....

BUT

It all actually ties back to the pharmaceutical companies.

How? Well, typically (not always) people who eat healthy tend to go to the doctors less and need medicine less. So how do they get the money out of healthy people? Over charging them for the foods they buy. Poorer people don't always buy healthy foods, they do tend to buy the cheaper more processed foods which can cause health problems in the long run therefore they spend more on doctors and medicine.

Theoretically the bad diet people spend as much on food + medical as much as good diet people spend, just the ratios are opposite.



DISCLAIMER: The above is just my own opinions, assumptions, observations, experiences, and theories. But I have been on both sides so I am allowed my on thoughts on this. Pretty much its not just people on food stamps at fault here but simply our whole economy is just whack

Point of this post, we really need to change our economy. If my healthy foods that meet the diet I MUST live buy were cheaper then maybe I wouldn't have to charge so much for my content, just saying.

Meow! Kisses!