Dark Places

So much has gone on and I haven't even really talked about it. Just all my misfortune. I feel miserable. It puts my mind in a dark place. I get tired of always having the crappy end of the stick. Its hard to stay out of those dark places when your alone. There's no one to pull you out, your mind keeps sinking even when you get closer to the surface.

No matter how hard I try I feel like I am always knocked backwards. Nothing works out as planned, I always end with set backs in life. It's a fact I learned a very long time ago. Often times I wonder why I keep repeating lesson in life over and over. Unwillingly. I can never get out of the cycle. I really think about that when my mind is in a dark place. 

I have really bad health. Because of that I have no degrees, no diplomas, no good usable work history, no government assistance, no family for 1500 miles but they wont or cant help anyways. I have nothing. Nothing but rent, bills, and bad health. Some weeks I make nothing, some weeks I can make some money by online sex work, some weeks I can make hundreds off of rare parts from cars I work on or strip down to nothing. 

Unfortunately, with $2k rent prices here, utilities, and medical bills it gets very hard to afford ANYTHING else. Even worse when your health is so messed up you have to have a specific diet that costs more than what people spend on food. I am thankful for those who send me gifts containing toys and lingerie. I am thankful for those who buy a video or two from me. 

I don't sale my videos for a grand haha. Sometimes my online sex work doesn't pay the bills. I bust my ass working on cars as much as I can. It's something I know. It's something I can do without moving around or lifting much. And since I am self-employed I can work on my own time. Meaning I wont be fired for being late or having a sick day or week.

During the times I am sick it is much easier to sink in those dark places. Thoughts float in my head like "why do I try so hard to live when I will live my whole life mostly sick until I die?" or even the much darker thoughts like "I know it will affect, possibly even hurt my family and friends if they knew everything about my health and how it burdens me.". I am never detail specific with about 95% of my health to the people who know me. 

You can imagine who I turn to when I am down and out of luck sinking in a dark place... No one. 

That's a horrible way to live. Especially when you always feel cursed. Bad health + bad luck = very deep dark places. Thankfully I have a size extra small life vest. The only things that helps me float are my rescued fur babies. They depend on me, without me all the rehabilitation and effort to make them healthy and happy would be for nothing because without me they would probably die or be killed. They couldn't survive.

I was hoping writing this blog would help detract me. It has, enough. I'm in the shallows now. I just hope sleep will come easy when I lay down later. On another note I did pick up an old book of Edgar Allen Poe's work. At least those dark places I enjoy and willingly go to. I like dark and spooky, just not dark and depressing. I've always preferred to go to sleep scared rather than go to sleep sad. I should probably get something to eat. I have not not ate since yesterday evening. I have not had the time nor the appetite to eat today. At the same time its already after midnight, its almost 1am. 

Tomorrow is another day, another dollar as they say. Work to live, live to work. I'm too broke from being sick and rent last week to not try to work tomorrow. 

Kiss kiss meow!