Phases

 Making friends while having CPTSD is torture. I say friends because honestly I'm not ready, interested, or seeking any kind of emotional or physical relationship. I do wish to make friends, meet more people, live a relatively normal life. It's not easy. I actually hate the initial beginnings. My brain is so programmed to be used to specific outcomes that I'm unable to just let things happen. Instead I get caught up in my head. 

 I go through a range of emotions. At first nerves, of course. Meeting anyone even for a moment unnerves me. Even if I'm just placing an order or talking to a stranger in the store. That common social anxiety is there. For me it has been and will always be there since childhood. Nothing abnormal. But the first phase isn't the issue. Phase one I can easily work past. It's the phases that follow that are the issue.

 Phase 2, worry or concern. Usually worried they will think I'm weird or they hate me. Look at just the surface of me, not knowing who I am, just assuming with what little they know or see. Sometimes I feel like people look down on me in shame or even pity. Even when they don't know my past. When they know my past phase 2 feels more intense. Like I'm always being judged. Labeled the stupid weak girl who would let a man treat her like a rag doll, over and over. It's embarrassing, humiliating to listen to my head tell me these things. 

 Phase 3, more worries and concerns, of course. They just take a different route. Instead of worrying about what they think of me I start to worry about what if they want something from me. Something more than a friendship. I'm an adult, adults like to have sex right? I feel like that's what would be normal, but I don't feel that way. It takes me a lot for casual touching like handshakes and hugs. I would sometimes rather be drenched in acid than to be touched in any way. I just can't do the physical stuff yet. I thought I was ready, but a hook up in spring proved otherwise so I KNOW I am far from ready.

 Phase 3.5, it goes a step up than phase 3. Instead of being concerned that everyone wants to screw me, I start to worry if people will fall for me or think they are in love with me. Even those who know everything and accept whatever pace I heal at, I just sometimes start to feel like a couple of people feel entitled to be the person I end up in a relationship with when I'm ready. Even though they know I'm not looking or interested. 

 Phase 4, fear. My brain, body, and soul start cowering. There is no fight response, just straight up run. It's like all the hair standing up, heart races, paranoia overcomes me in many ways, my chest tightens. Something in me just tells me history will repeat itself. Everyone wants to use me, everyone wants to abuse me. This is all a set up to hurt me. No one cares as long as I benefit them, and if I don't benefit them they chew me up only to spit me out blaming me for it all. 

 Phase 5, detach. Once I've reached the 5th phase it's like everything shuts down. All emotions get numbed out. I just step back mentally and physically. Emotionally I become cold. All that exists is to play nice and get away. Cut ties, make some distance, let any positivity or negativity dissipate before it reaches me. All I know to do is to protect myself at all cost and usually detaching always takes place.

 Phase 6, breakdown. If I've made it to this phase then it must be really serious at that point. Breakdown will be inevitable. All negative emotions from the previous phases hit me like a freight train, all emotions amplified. It's like I'm suffocating in my own skin just wanting everything to stop. Everything feels hopeless, lost, pointless, empty, worthless. I become engulfed in this cloud of darkness. Choking on air, words, tears, and emotions. At that point it feels impossible to continue. All I think about is just laying down and letting the weight crush me.

 Then eventually... RESET. I recover, craving to be healed even more. I get back up and put the pieces together. Even if they don't fit I make them, until I feel close to whole again. Once I level back out again everything seems so easy and possible. Little by little I heal and grow stronger.

 But, there will always be something that initiates the phases. It's to be expected, completely understandable given the circumstances of my CPTSD and the continuation of the trauma. Years of repeated abuse doesn't just heal up like an average wound. I just hope one day I stop and take a moment to realize it's been ages since I've slipped into any of the phases.

Kiss kiss meow,

Kitty <3

28 Months (Trigger Warning)

It's been 28 months... 28 months since I left. 28 months since I signed that Protection From Abuse request. 28 months since I thought it would all finally stop. I can't tell if 28 months feels like the abuse was just yesterday or if 28 months feels like a long drawn out hell of stalking and harassment.

28 months is nowhere near enough time to heal. To recover from the inferno I once lived in for many many years. 28 months feels like seconds compared to the days and weeks of physical pain during the many healing processes from multiple occasions of abuse.

But then again, 28 months being attacked, doxxed, bullied, stalked, and harassed feels like eternity. The constant nagging feeling that I will never be free from the abuse until one of us is dead. But even then, I believe death would not be enough. He seems like the type to dig up my corpse to call his forever. Or worse, if he died, his spirit will haunt me for the rest of my life.

No matter how long 28 months feels, it can not explain everything I have dealt with during those months. Nightly terrors when I sleep. Every night I survive another fight for my life. Reliving memories I wish I could erase. I can officially say that dying in a dream does not equal death, in fact you can die many times over in a dream. Painfully.

Pharmaceutical relief was short-lived. At first the medication would just "calm" the dreams, make it hard to remember anything about them, it slowed my heart rate enough that when I woke with fright it wasn't always in a puddle of cold sweat, with confusion of where I was with my heart racing. Eventually I started to help less and less.

Then I started a new medication. It still "calms" the dreams, much less violence and fear, but it makes the dreams seem like one of those drug/acid/mushroom trips you see depicted in movies. Kind of like Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. But much more gore, kind of like From Dusk to Dawn or something. And I will remember most details in the strangest ways. Or some details being so realistic I question if it happened or not.

Soon I will arrange an appointment with my doc again to see if there are any other options because having these nightly dream/terror trips are just as exhausting as having the "directors cut" rated MA blood bath B-movies. Hopefully then I can finally get some rest. I once used to love sleep when I was younger, now it's the one thing I dread.

Aside from the dreams... 28 months is nowhere enough time to overcome the fear, the constant urge to hide, the paranoia, flashbacks, triggers, and even the recovery of physical wounds. You would think 28 months could be enough time. It's not. Especially when there are so many countless triggers that send me spiraling back into that trauma space. 28 months might as well be 28 years or 28 days. It doesn't matter.

All that matters is I take those 28 months and continue to keep adding more months of working towards healing. I'll keep trying anything and everything I can to recover from my dark past. The path of finding myself and my strength is long, but it is a path I will continue on for the rest of my life, whether it's 28 days, months, years, or decades. This is my path to follow.

Kiss kiss meow,
Kitty <3

First of the roll, expired 1990's 120 film w/ Mamiya 645 camera
I couldn't edit this image aside from adding the watermark.
The imperfection in this image is enough to make it a perfect shot.

#KristopherVise #JackMaxell

Little Worlds

     For most of my life I was always fascinated with insects, flowers, and so many things on such a small scale like that. I've been experimenting with macro photography. Zoomed in and so close to tiny creatures like that is like looking at a whole new world. There is always so much moving and living around us that sometimes we would never notice if we didn't take the time to look.

    Recently we have been getting out more and taking photos while we are out. One of our favorite trails is a simple 2-ish mile trek. For us it's like opening a door into our own wonderland where we get to spot mysterious plants and living organisms. Yes, we took forever to get through the trail but that was the point. We wanted to go out there and just take our time to see what all we could see. And of course we will soon go back again because the creatures and scenery are always changing as the seasons continue on. 

    Below I will attach some of the images I have captured of this wonderful macro world we roam. First I have to note, I am not using some kind of ultra zoom lens. I am using an 18-55mm lens, sometimes with my macro/wide-angle attachment, but with or without the attachment I have to get so close to the subject, which for us it can actually be easy. Just go slow and patiently. Have patience with the subject and they will stop panicking long enough to sit still while they try to figure out what that big black shiny thing is in their little faces.

    Sometimes you even get to see the personality of the creatures around you in their own little worlds. Sometimes you also notice they too are looking at you in wonder and curiosity. Most of the time it's that understanding you have to share with them, that "Hey, I'm not here to hurt you, you don't have to hurt me. Lets just look at each other." lol I really have no other way to explain it. It's just a shared understanding gained while slowly approaching them. 

    It's nice to just get out, worry about nothing except for if you brought enough charged batteries and water. Leave every other problem behind and just dive into so many little worlds that make you realize no matter how big or small, every life on this planet matters. Life is fleeting, for them and for us. We have to sometimes stop to appreciate what this planet does have to offer us.

^ FYI, THIS IS FIREFLY LARVA!!! 😲 ^

    If you stopped for a moment you might see something you have never seen before. There are over 150,000-160,000+ species of Lepidoptera, butterflies and moths. Over 8000+ species of frogs. 2000+ species of fireflies. More than 6000 species of jumping spiders. And 12,000 species of moss. You could be amazed at what you find, and more importantly learn something. Even if it is useless information. Someone, somewhere finds it useful information. 

    Going on walks or photography adventures can be very therapeutic. You should give it a try. 

Kiss kiss meow,

Kitty <3

Commitment

    Commitment... Something I have tried often, failed even after long periods of it. I never quite knew why. Why is commitment so hard for me? Starting early on I've had commitments including committing to someone who I thought I would live the rest of my life with, only to be cheated on. Committing to school to eventually go to college for many degrees, but breaking my commitment due to unforeseen health issues forcing me to give up entirely at the time. I've tried committing to my first online business, but after barely making any money and a relationship distracting me from it I had to give it up. Other commitments have just ended up being too small to be considered a commitment or from very toxic experiences. 

    How do I feel about commitment now? Well, I definitely don't want to seek it relationship-wise. But commitments aren't just relationships, they can come in many forms. Without reading the definition, what do things do you define as commitment? Most we don't ever really think of, most of the time we just think of it in the relationship aspect. Committing to another person. It is so much more than that.

Definitions of commitment

noun

 the act of binding yourself (intellectually or emotionally) to a course of action
“his long commitment to public service”
synonyms:
allegiance, dedication, loyalty 

(source: Vocabulary.com definition) 

    Commitments can be small and mundane, such as committing to a better sleep schedule. Committing to finish something by a deadline. Committing to eat healthier. What about exercising? That's a common failed commitment. Committing to drinking enough water every day. Getting your hair or nails done (home or salon) every month? That's a commitment! Really, commitments can be all kinds of things. Big or small, for pleasure, or for betterment. Commitment is everywhere. It's just sometimes easier to make some commitments for some people. 

    I know I have struggled with a few commitments in my life. Sleep has been the longest running, even with the help of doctors when I was a little kid I could not keep a proper sleep schedule like all the other kids. Relationship, that's obviously been a struggle, but I'm giving up that struggle, mostly because I already have a few ideal commitments I want to commit to before I try to bring anyone else into my life like that. How can I fully commit to someone if I can't even commit to anything for myself??

    What kind of commitments am I struggling to keep right now? Sleep schedule still of course. But also fitness. I want to commit to working out but I always find ways out of it. I just want to make my body a bit more fit. I am also having a hard time committing to projects. I am always doubting myself so I just give up halfway through. Self-care, that is probably the hardest commitment I am struggling with at this moment.

    Why is self-care such a challenge?? I've been told by my counselor to start spending at least an hour for self-care for myself because of how spread thin I am from my daily life. But half the time I can't even get the motivation to go to my room and start working on self-care. Plus what the hell would I even do? I don't even really know where to start when it comes to self-care. I have some ideas but I am kind of limited right now. Maybe I can somehow make working out, sleeping right, and self-care all one commitment, but I have no clue how. I really don't know where to start. 

    There are so many commitments I want to make with myself to better myself and improve my future, but I keep failing at them. So in all reality how am I in a position to have a commitment to another human being if I can not push myself to even commit to something for myself? If I can't commit to myself, no one should expect me to commit to another person. Commitments with myself are hard, commitments with others just feels impossible when I can't give myself what I need. A commitment to myself to have an amazing life should be easy, right? Why does it have to be so hard? There is so much I want to have a consistent ritual of to better myself but it just feels like it's impossible to commit for longer than a few months. 

    My main issue is I really have zero control of the time in my life, so much outside forces affect how and when things play out, so I barely have any way to set a schedule for myself and my commitments. Plus it feels like all the selfish self-care stuff takes too much time, or costs a lot, or takes a lot of energy. Without being a selfish cunt (pardon my language) it wouldn't be easy for me to set time aside literally for myself. How I was raised, self-care is just selfishness for people who have money.

    Don't get me wrong, I really wish I commit to some things. Better sleep schedule, daily workouts, daily skin/hair/body care, weekly projects, going out for photography more often, staying hydrated, so many things. But for some reason I can't ever fully commit. I keep finding excuses. I blame my time on others, lack of money because I'm wasting time self-caring instead of working, etc. Somewhere in my dysfunctional mind, things just don't work right for commitments. If I had money I would hire people like personal trainers and stuff, maybe then I would commit better. I need a solid experienced helping hand sometimes lol. Maybe if I had someone who was committed to these things that I would love to commit to and were trying to help me commit, maybe then it would work, I don't know, never had anyone who gave a shit about what I want to do or commit to that I know of lol..

    I haven't been able to stick to many commitments. I have been able to keep sticking to my nightly routine of cleaning and wearing my retainers for the past 2 years, but that's about it really. I try to keep up with soothing music while I sleep to help with the nightmares, but some nights it doesn't happen. Even when it comes to my medication I've had some hiccups with it. Whether the medicine was affecting me badly or I went without due to money or the doctor's office not calling it in soon enough. Same with my vitamins, I can't always afford them. There are so many factors disrupting my sleep that I give up on a decent sleeping schedule.  

    Everything is just so complicated. I want to commit but I guess my commitments are elsewhere, nowhere beneficial for me I guess. Maybe this time next year I will have actually kept a commitment to work out some and maybe take care of myself more, I guess. I don't know honestly, it's easier to keep up commitments for others, just not for myself. I am always committing to other routines for people, it seems easier, just never for myself. Maybe this time next year I will read this and still be wishing I could stick to a commitment to help myself. 

    Here is hoping I can figure out some kind of beneficial commitment to help me out. I really do want to make these commitments, but obviously not enough to stick with them when things get rocky. Things will always be rocky. Life is not getting easier for me, far from it. I wish I could find some ease. Maybe one day I will find the right routine to commit to and it will make life easier, but for now it feels like personal commitments are impossible. Until then, I will keep trying to find what sticks.

Kiss kiss meow,
Kitty <3

A letter to my past self

Dear me in 2004, 

        Hi, it's me, well you from 2022. Yes, despite our previous expectations we have survived past 18. No, things did not get easier, far from it, kiddo. But it's not all bad! Yes, you walked through hell many times, but somehow managed to pull yourself out every single time. You saw and experienced so much pain, but you learned how to push through and keep going. You know not all pain lasts forever, and sometimes it's going to hurt like a bitch getting through some of the things we put up with. The suffering was not for nothing. You eventually found refuge in your hardships, somehow managing to convince yourself that you learned something from such agonizing moments in life. Now as you are older you are finding comfort in the tiniest things, that have ALWAYS been there, you just never thought to take the time to look and discover the world around you. This life will one day be what you and I both hoped it to be. Regardless of how you feel about yourself now, one day you will hopefully find you are the best thing to have ever experienced in life.

        You want specifics? I can't tell you everything because it's too late to change the past, but that's a good thing. You wouldn't become this strong amazing woman if you had all the answers and smoothed out the path to your future. Through your trials of life you have learned how to view everything in many dimensions, you accept that people who are being complete jerks or just bad at their job, could be having a bad day or could be hired because you can't discriminate against intelligence or the disables. You learn that just because something is inconveniencing you doesn't mean it's not inconveniencing others, so why treat someone like shit when you don't even know if a tiny fraction could be their fault, And you never know how your actions or treatment towards someone would affect them. You learn that a simple phrase can take someone's life away, that sometimes someone needs that tiny push over the edge. How would you feel if you were rude to someone and you were the reason they went home and killed themselves. You couldn't stand it. It would eat you alive. So prevent it by treating everyone nicely, even if they were rude to you.

        Time... Sometimes it feels like you have a lot of it and other times it feels like a race against the clock. But you have to remember, time is an illusion. Yes, sometimes 5 years doesn't seem far away but sometimes 5 days is just way too soon. If you change what happens (your perspective) sometimes 5 days isn't soon enough and 5 years is too soon. Time is all about how you challenge it. A lot of times there will be enough time during the day for what you want to do but you will often tell yourself you are running out of time. Time is irrelevant, all that matters is the dedication YOU put in. Time will keep ticking, with or without you. So why blame the time for your incompetence. If you had not picked the easy way out and actually pushed yourself instead of constantly doubting yourself, you could have gotten yourself somewhere quicker in life. But instead you let time hold you back because you would rather wait around for someone's approval or appreciation. How can you accept approval or appreciation after waiting all that time when you could have just thrived instead of seeking approval and appreciation.

        Love, it's a ridiculous thing. It's pointless aside from the learning lessons. You will always be a hopeless romantic. You will believe “The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.” (—Eden Ahbez), yet to this day you have not found that unconditional love in return from another human being. You give it away, but you haven't received it YET. (I'll check back in another 10 years) All the relationships you had up until now, sucked! Love is not what you think it is. Love should not hurt. You will love many over the years, give your fragile heart to a few people who refused to handle it with care. For many years you will endure relationships where you are used, cheated on, lied too, abused, and worst of all you will lose pieces of yourself in each relationship. Each relationship will leave you missing the last because they always just seem to keep getting worse and worse. But I will tell you, 2004 me, that you will love, and give your love away, but even now you will reminisce about the relationship you are experiencing in 2004. But you won't ever forget your 2004 love, he was the best after all. Later down the road, your fiance was incredible, such a sweet little love story, but shit happens. You move on, find something acceptable. Miss everything from before while you live in your darker less loving relationships. It's okay to miss something so comforting, something that was the best and never was replaced. Though I have to let you in on a secret, even though your 2004 love of your life makes you happy, works, has their own car plus an apartment, and knows how to put you first, it doesn't mean they wont hurt you, they were just the lesser of all the evils you will face. Even though love is painful, it's still something to share with the world. This world could use all the love it can get.

    Work... I bet if I told you that you could somehow manage to work and bring in enough to pay rent, bills, groceries, auto stuff, squirrel stuff, and other BS someone wants while you struggle with your mental and physical health, you wouldn't believe it? Well guess what, living with a broke lazy MF taught you how to hustle and make sure everything is paid for along with making the man-child happy with whatever bullshit he wanted to that day. Doesn't sound pleasant, but trust me it would make you proud to know just how well you can do in your future. All the more reason why you should start working sooner, if you could. And when you are working hard, don't ever let others take advantage of you. I know you want to help others and make people happy, but there are other ways without making yourself broke or breaking yourself in the process. Remember, if your busted ass can work and provide, then anyone else who "cares" about you, can do the same; work and provide. Don't be the savior, if you want to help, push them to help themselves, not push you to do everything for them.

    Be you. Really. Just be your fucking self. Don't be who everyone else wants you to be. Don't worry about others thinking you are weird. Don't even worry about pissing people off because you want to do or be something. There is no point in living through life having to contain who you are. Be who you are. As a song says "Then I heard the voice of God She said, 'be yourself or don't be anything' ". your essence. Don't bottle it up. And guess what, if no one is happy with who you are, then fuck them, they don't care about you, just who they want you to be. If they can't put up with you no matter what kind of day it is, then you shouldn't put up with them. Like the beautiful Marilyn Monroe says "... If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."... So, that means if someone can't handle you on your shitty days and they want to act like you're the problem, TO HELL WITH THEM. If they can't put the effort in to tolerate you on your bad days, then most likely you won't be good enough for them on your good days, also meaning, why the hell do you want to make yourself believe you deserve them?? Be yourself. Fuck what others think. Put YOU first. Because no one will ever put you first if you don't put yourself first.

    Another thing about being you. People will come around and try to shape you to fit their idealist person. They will try to warp your thoughts or opinion on things. Try to change things you like or don't like. Make you think people are against you. Make you think your gut is wrong. Trust your gut. Trust people, but never to the max. Just learn and understand the red flags. Red flags don't meant 'get the fuck out' they just mean be very careful, approach with caution. Always stick to your core values. Stick to what you feel is right.

    Depression... Pretty much your closest friend. Something you will always know, you know it well in 2004 and you know it well now in 2022. There is no escaping it. It's hard to fix without drug trials (and errors). You're going to deal with it no matter what. It's in your DNA and it was imprinted on you during all the traumatic stuff you witnessed early on in life. But until you can find the right person or people, it is always going to be a battle. There really isn't any way around it. Your chemicals are fucked, your situation is mostly fucked, and the world is fucked all leading you to a brain with fucked up thoughts, but you are not the problem. Good news is, you eventually give up on giving up. No more trying to end your life. Though you will at times believe this is all what you deserve so you should live through it, but most of the time you realize that if you fix your brain then you can find the beauty in everything and won't want to cut that life line. I don't know if this has ever been said but I will say it now, being depressed isn't a fault, it's merely a different perspective. You will learn more about that perspective as you experience. Don't despise it, you did for a little while. Also remember, no one will ever be happy with you if you are never happy with you. You and many other humans project their self-hate making them believe others hate themselves. You have to learn your worth to make sure others value just as high, if not higher.

    You need to take yourself seriously with photography. Take classes if you need to. You know you love it and obsess over it, JUST DO IT and go all the way. Don't doubt yourself, because art is art and no matter what no one person can actually say what is or is not art. Take a bad picture? Turn it into art. You can make anything into art. If you have an idea that you know you can pull off, DO IT! If you have an idea that could work but you're not sure, DOOO ITTT! If you have an idea you want to do but know it wont work out, JUST DO IT! Also one day "Do it!" will be a joke that you will understand, but do it. Invest in more equipment early on and experiment with it before a big project. Stop waiting till the last minute to test out anything new. Even learn how to repair cameras so you can maybe have some of the high end cameras you want. Also next year, valentines of 2005, a new website where you can share your "home videos" will be created and it gets BIG, so make sure to test it out some by making some of the videos you have had ideas for, or at least keep an eye out for videos you can learn from. Another little secret, film and darkroom photography is so much easier than you thought it was!

    Patience... You had good patience for your age, but over time after some tedious BS later in life your patience starts to wear thin. Don't let it. Just keep having patience. Good things really do come to those who wait. Don't give up on yourself in the meantime. Think of it like a video game, during some stages you cant enter until you level up so you have to keep playing stages over and over to build up experience points. Or when you purposely hold yourself back repeating a stage over and over mastering it before you move up to the next stage. I know you know what I mean. "Anekico ler aracnia". But know when the patience should end for some situations. "Ki mi ypomonitikosi teleson semerie".

    Get out there and experience what YOU want to experience. Stop doing what people want to do and never do what you want to do. You end up missing out more on what you want. In a good way you are delighted by some of the simplest, sometimes boring but not really kind of things. Museums, art exhibits, botanical gardens, grand canyon, you name it you can do it.  "Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the grey twilight that knows not victory nor defeat." It's not weird to be alone in places like that. If anyone asks, just give them some mysterious answer. Make it a game to see who believes it or not. You might meet some interesting people that way in places like that.

    One last thing before I wrap this up... Just realize you can be worth a lot to people, and you should only have people around who treat you well. If they treat you wrong, just walk away. It might seem hard or scary but it is easy and possible. Get out before you get used and abused, but never stop trying to find new people in life. Not everyone is a monster. There are many unique people in life that you will befriend. It also works the other way around. I know I don't really have to tell you, but here is a reminder for those really bad days where people in public just suck. If you treat people right, they will treat you right. Not all the time, but even some surprising people could help you out just because you were nice to them. Also, don't lose your patience with some people that you can tell are trying really hard but other things are getting to them making it an inconvenience for everyone, don't add to that stress.

Sincerely with so much love,
You from 2022

(Photo taken by me, prints available at THATKittyMoon.RedBubble.com)