Some TRIGGER WARNING, briefly mentions topics regarding DV and abuse.
August marks 2 years since I last blogged, no sense in waiting till then. Comments and a surge in views has brought me back to this little corner of my online world. I kinda left you all on a cliffhanger with the DV blogs, huh? I hope it helped anyone who may have needed help with that topic/situation. I don't want to be so gloomy in this post so I wont put all the negative stuff here, maybe some other time so that way others can know what to expect after leaving an abusive situation. This post is going to be more positive and about all the good things I have experienced since leaving that horrible relationship. From now on I will try to update more often, regardless of if it is positive or not. I felt like it was not very safe to post here for awhile. But I am taking my blog back and going to try to blog more often... Unless if you, my readers, want me to vlogs on youtube instead, might start doing that. Let me know your thoughts. I think I have only done one vlog (well voice over while I painted) video.
Well for starters I have found a new best friend (the lovely Valencia Vulpes) in someone I met so many years ago but rarely had contact with. In fact, he did most of the talking to her while I was with him because I couldn't talk to many people outside of work & customers/fans. I feel like she is my other half, we are so alike and have the same dreams/goals. So not only did I find a best friend in her I found a business partner, perfect roomie, and someone I can learn from or learn with. She has helped me beat my fear of spiders by educating me and showing different ones to me so I could learn or interact with them. I've only been able to handle, yes physically handle, small jumping spiders. And feeding them is actually enjoyable haha. Eventually we will work towards larger spiders, like tarantulas
We also started taking some classes. Our favorite class is the Darkroom class, it was fun and simple, but eventually we do hope to have our own darkroom since we both still shot film. Hopefully one day we will have an enlarger so we can make our own prints. We have also been collecting old cameras. Soon I will learn how to repair them and get them back to working. Some are digital and some are film. I do have a wonderful working 1st generation Mamiya 645 film camera. I love it even though I can only shoot 15 frames with it. It takes wonderful photos. I can't wait to see how the other cameras shoot.
On top of all that I have been learning about cameras I have also started my own photography business. I did some volunteer work with an animal rescue in my hometown, it was so fun working with all those furry models. I can not explain how awesome it is to sit in the middle of a room and be covered in kittens/cats begging for affection. Honestly, it is incredible... I don't get many gigs at the moment but I have had some awesome ones. I haven't done much since I got sick a few months ago, I'm just now getting back to work. Recovery has been rough but I did study a lot while I was on bed rest. I have been having some complications with advertising online for my photography, my ex has tried to contact me through it, so for now I am sticking with local/by word of mouth advertising, it really makes it a challenge.
Because of my photography business I have done a lot of traveling, which just makes me love what I do even more. I have seen so many new things, photographed things I never could before. I have advanced so much with my photography during these two years. Every time I am taking photos my appreciation just grows. I want to see and learn it all, anything to do with cameras or photography I want to be involved in it. Photography is my life. I could never give it up. I am so thankful and I feel blessed that photography is the one and only thing I was allowed for so long. Without photography I don't think I could have kept going in life against the odds. Throughout my photographer journey I have made some interesting friends who dabble with all kinds of styles of photography and all types of cameras or equipment. I do wish I could have plunged into the photography world sooner but I will not regret any moment I have now with photography. I don't think I could ever envision life without cameras or photography, it would be like life without air.
Valencia and I also have a ton of upcoming projects once we get a little bit of spending money in our pockets (you know, because bills always come first) so hopefully soon we will have some awesome creative things to show you. I don't want to give away too much detail but we will try to BTS the creative processes. I don't think I have ever encountered anyone else in my life who I can look at and just have a thousand ideas run through my head. She will not only be my model but she will also help when I model in front of the camera, this way my work won't be as self-shot and will have many better angles or just all around be better that what I could produce with a tripod and a remote. Plus we will be DIY'ing a lot of the props and wardrobes for our projects.
I've been doing other work outside of SW & photography. I do social work for the elderly and/or disabled who are not 100% independent. I do anything from basic cleaning, shopping, errands, to very deep exhausting house cleaning and yard work, some medical stuff, and other odds and ends. It does not pay much but I do enjoy the people I meet, and sometimes the perks are nice, the current hoard clean up I am working on has some old cameras and the client is letting me keep them. I also get to keep some of the wife's cookware if any are usable, we just started in the kitchen/dining area. I also get to dig up any plants outside. The client and their family is unable to care for the property and no longer lives there just needs it cleaned out before demolition, I have to sift through the hoard and rubble to find anything that may have value to the client, only have a list of what might be there and what to do with it but not an actual list. Some things are trash, some will go to goodwill, some will go into their storage (thankfully I will probably never have to see or deal with what could be in storage), and some I can keep though there isn't much I would keep aside of the camera stuff.
Sometimes my job is a big ordeal, but some days it is just being there to keep the client company. It's very enjoyable, especially hearing old war stories or childhood tales. I've learned a lot from many of my clients. Though some clients are not so coherent or aware of much of what is going on. I have learned a lot about dementia since starting. Dementia is not just a struggle for the patient but also with their families. Their families suffer so much. The patients lose.all real logic, memory, and understanding. I don't want to go into depth of the things I have witnessed as I feel it can cross the line to shaming someone. The real shame is these people once worked hard and paid their taxes, tried to have the american dream of retiring, but life doesn't work like that. Social security doesn't really pay or help them. Some can get $17 in monthly food stamps, wtf? I will not get started on the healthcare these people have to put up with. You would think if someone worked so hard for their whole life they would end up in better places. And it's just terrible that such a disease and many others like it can take over humans, trapping them in an eternal hell, most of the time dragging their families along.
I also took a food sensitivity test to find out exactly what has been causing me problems, and all I can admit to eating often (egg whites, chicken, ginger, parsley, and others. Now that I know what to avoid I can find and try almost any recipe. Needless to say, I have been the house chef for a while now. We eat really good, a lot of meal prepping so we can find the best deals on meats for low prices, but only good quality meats. I've made many restaurant copycat recipes, often tweaking them to make them better. Everyone who has tried my cooking loves it, no matter how healthy it sounds lol. I also prepare oven ready/freezer to oven meals for a few clients so they can easily enjoy home cooked meals. Valencia and I have also been experimenting with natural food color. It's nice finding ways to add a little color to our lives without me having a reaction to the dyes. I wish we had these options when I was growing up.
On the subject of food, I no longer look like a skeleton, I have finally gained weight. I still have some dietary issues from food tolerance issues but I am currently dealing with the mental aspect of it. My ex would sometimes jokingly call me a fat ass, I was okay with that, taking it as a joke. But when I was drastically under weight, I had weighed 105lbs, POUNDS, (I am 5ft 7in) I was barely anything, I had no muscle, I was weak, malnourished, and always sick from the shitty food he wanted to eat. He was such a picky eater, to him everything I cooked was prison food. But I had to suffer. He didn't like when we had to get food from different places. With as weak as I was, I rarely had the energy to cook for just myself when he would get take out, so I might as well since I was paying for the take out or fast food. Still he would point out my "cottage cheese ass" or tell me often how I need to work out, practically pointing out every flaw on me that could be caused by even a 1lb weight change. Told me a few times if I got fat he would leave me, lol I should have just gotten fat. So even though I would laugh at the fat ass jokes the other things he would say would stick in the back of my head. Even now... I am now a healthy weight, I'm proud of it, but I'm still not used to or fully comfortable with seeing this new body. All the past shaming has really screwed up my self confidence, I didn't really have it from the start, but now it just doesn't seem like it exists. I look at myself and I just hear his words in my head putting me down for how I look. Now not only do I have to deal with the CPTSD, conditioning, depression, ext I also now struggle with my body image more than I ever have in my life...
That wasn't very positive... The positive aspect is I am now at a healthy weight, I am almost happy with it, but above all I am proud of myself. I've even been doing it with healthy foods, it's not like I eat fast food or junk food, that stuff makes me sick. I just cook fresh and from scratch. I also mostly like my butt haha, it's nice and juicy, despite the inner combat from the conditioning. Im working on getting over it and loving every single inch of my body, perfect or flawed. It is my body and it has allowed me to somehow survive this long. I appreciate it for the mental or physical strength it provides me to carry on. Some pains remind me of how close I came to death (intentional or accidental, may never know, that's okay) and some parts remind me that just because I was not born with a perfect body, it doesn't mean everything is impossible.
I finally got 3 new tattoos. I now have a total of 4. My first and oldest tattoo is still there, that will be a future project. As for the new ones, I have one on my wrist as a permanent reminder to myself, it has a very deep meaning to me so that will be something I would have to dedicate a new blog to. I did get a tattoo honoring my love of flying squirrels and that my babies will always be with me, alive or waiting at the rainbow bridge for me. I have a snake slithering up my foot and leg, it's a reminder of someone, that one is also a very sentimental and personal one that would have to have a blog too. I have a few other ideas for tattoos but I have to wait until my income picks up. Until then I am just saving the ideas for the future. I think some will be super cheap and my tattoo artist is okay with me getting a few in one day. Though one tattoo will require a lot more time, I'm currently trying to hunt down someone who can draw my tattoo for me, it will be a big piece, but not the biggest I have planned. If anyone wants a tattoo blog, please let me know. More ink coming in the future.
Valencia taught me to knit, I've only been knitting for a little over two months now, it's great to distract my mind when I get overwhelmed or depressed. It's a better, but not perfect, way to direct my stress, I am still looking for other ways to efficiently de-stress. I have a few completed pieces, but a few works in progress (wip). I'm hoping I can maybe get good enough to sell some knitted items.Only time will tell. I am just happy to finally have learned to knit. Valencia explained it so well it was easy once I started. I still make some mistakes but now I know how to correct them or just learn to keep going. I am also hoping to really learn sewing so I can start creating some of our costumes for our projects. Some things we just can't buy the costumes for. Maybe one day I can help others with custom made costumes or props.
I sold my jeep, now I am free of the ungodly high monthly car note. Ugh that was ridiculous. I somehow managed to never be late on payments, but a lower minimum would have been nice, not nearly $800. Up to this time last year I was paying $900 or more a month to try to pay it off faster. I'm so glad that is over and done with. My ex can also no longer threaten me since we had the jeep in both of our names, and he would talk about repoing it or saying it was stolen, not to mention he would lie about paying for it when he hardly worked enough to make a complete payment on it. Anyways, enough lingering on that... Finally, I can move on to better, cheaper options. Now the sucky part is eventually going to the DMV. I absolutely hate the DMV, and the pandemic hasn't made it any easier. Plus I have no idea how much I have to pay the DMV in registration fees. Does anywhere in this country have a decent DMV? It's like none do.
I know I have mentioned I've been learning a lot of photography and cooking stuff, but not only that I have been learning a lot about nature, plants, insects, and wildlife. Also some history stuff. There were so many things the schools never taught us. Now that I'm free to focus on whatever I want I have been learning so many things. Eventually we will have a produce garden too since groceries keep going up. We cook with a lot of fresh produce so it would help our grocery expenses. I guess I also need to mention that one day I will be doing a huge fundraiser for some property V & I have our eye on, we just have to wait for some red tape to clear up on some before we can buy, thankfully the properties won't just sell before we know it. We aren't sure if we will remodel or rebuild yet. The fundraising and location will play a key part of it but we have time. I have to focus on work now so we will be ready in the future. Thankfully with the two of us this will be easy.
I feel like if I keep going this post will be endless. It's just that so much has happened, positive changes, and so many good experiences in just two years. Before January 2020, I didn't think 80% of these things would have been possible for me, I was so trapped and blinded, now I realize everything is possible and I no longer have a limit. I need to blog these things more often so I don't have to dump long updates like I am with this one. I also hope to blog some of our future projects, experiences, achievements, and memories. Writing about the positive stuff really helps. So my advice to you is, when you are depressed and not able to perceive the positivity in your life, take a moment to write about the little things that you experience that makes you happy, write about how much you survived or how far you have came in life, write about your happiest memories and how they cheer you up, but also write about your saddest memories and how you will never have to experience them again because you are in a better place now. I hope life treats you well. Stay hydrated!
Kiss kiss meow,
Kitty Moon <3
P.S. I have a few topics I am thinking about writing, please let me know if any interest you: CPTSD/PTSD, Darkroom photography, my tattoos, knitting, the pandemic, Stockholm syndrome, future content goals, raising caterpillars, squirrels lol, random adventures, alternative healing stuff, and anything anyone request I talk about. I am always open to answering questions or discussions. Also I may open the discussion about how my readers may feel about me doing a YouTube channel for my projects, my experiences, and whatever else, if you are interested in that, please let me know.
