As many may know the end of 2022 was difficult, my mom injured her back so I had to take over a lot for her and to help her, including everything she does for her sister, my aunt, with severe vascular dementia and only 50% of her body being functional (her entire left side is paralyzed from a stroke so she's wheelchair bound). I had hoped 2023 would have gotten easier once she recovered but honestly it got worse. My mom is back on her feet but has not been 100% better, and may not get back to 100%.
Throughout 2022 my migraines increasingly got worse to the point by 2023 I was having them daily, nonstop. Like one very long excruciating headache for weeks to months. Sleeping and eating was challenging. The pain made it almost impossible to focus or recall anything recent even minutes after the fact.
If that didn't seem hard enough life threw me a several curve balls, my other aunt and sister got covid. While I was not directly in physical contact with them I was still aiding them during their recovery period... while helping my mom and aunt with dementia. I had gotten sick, myself at some point but thankfully after a few weeks it passed. It wasn't covid or anything like that. My immune system just goes to shit when I'm overworked or over stressed.
Still don't think that's hard enough? Life said no. I usually helped my dad some throughout the week with some of his work stuff because he wasn't feeling too great, he thought it was just him getting older. But unfortunately he started to get worse. By this point I had filmed a few videos but came to a complete stop as my time and ability to film declined.
In March, my dad started to lose his voice, he was struggling to speak, more tired than usual. He thought it was bad allergies. Saw a few doctors, got different meds but no real change. Eventually in April he was ordered a chest CT and ultrasound. It was actually the friday on my sisters birthday weekend he received a call that the doctor urgently wanted him to come in.
The CT revealed several tumors throughout his lungs, well over a dozen, maybe even over 20. All varying in sizes. Most small but several large ones. This lead to more doctors and more scans. Finally he had a biopsy done on the largest tumor. And with that he received his diagnosis of stage 4 lung cancer. End stage. We went to an oncologist and was told that without chemo he most likely would not make it another 4-6 months.
After a lot of discussions, planning for the worst, and numerous visits to many doctors, at the end of May he started his first round of chemo. To keep it short I can only say chemo has not been easy on him. It has been torture. Slow drawn out painful and sickening torture. At the time of writing this he has done his second round of chemo, it doesn't seem to get easier for him. A week from now he will get a follow up CT scan to see if the chemo is making a difference.
If the chemo has yet to make a difference he may stop the treatment because of how hard it is on him. And this man is tough, he handles pain like a champ, but even this is defeating him. I've never seen him so defeated. I've seen him go through knee surgeries, hip replacement, a metal cage put in his back, and so much more as if it's a walk in the park for him. But not this. This is beyond his limits.
During this my uncle is also having health troubles of his own. I've been dividing my time up between 5 different family members, caring and working for them as best as I can. There are only two of us who are the "children" in the family here to care for them. But my sister has a family and a home to care for so she works 5 days a week like 8 to 5 I think so she's only available on the weekends to help, which is understandable, she has to do what she can to take care of herself and family.
This has left me to handle everything. Meaning i have given up working. I have not been making content or working on my photography. I have zero income coming in to aid me. Right now my job is caring for the family. I get paid just enough to cover my car note but the rest I have to make up with odd jobs for others. It's been exhausting. I don't even have time to promote my existing content. I hardly have time to respond to any messages. Hell I'm lucky if I can take care of my daily needs AND get enough sleep before getting up to take care of everyone.
I have been lucky enough to find myself a doctor who accepts uninsured patients through a charity program with many specialists and services to finally get help with my migraines. Thankfully my MRI came back normal, so nothing to worry there. I have started a monthly injection which I believe is making a difference and should be a drastic change from what I was dealing with in a few months.
This month I also got back on the depo shot so hopefully for a while I'll have some relief from my endometriosis until I can afford a hysterectomy. (But that eliminates the option for any shark week content now.)... physically I am improving but mentally I'm still deteriorating.
I realize that moving in with family AND caring for the family allows me zero time and peace for myself. My healing journey from the PTSD and DV has come to a halt being here, I'm still battling so much with it. I still have nightmares and flashbacks of the trauma I suffered from my abusive ex. I am just as scare and paranoid as I have always been. It's hard to move on or try to forget such a horrific time in my life. Being here just doesn't help, there's too much that triggers my PTSD, I am no longer able to make progress. I found some places nearby (I still need to be within the city to care for my family so unfortunately I can not leave yet) I want to move into but it's nearly impossible when I have no time to make content, nor does my existing content make enough for me to live off of. For weeks I don't get any cashouts and when I do it's the minimum. Never enough to cover bills. My credit cards look horrible from my emergency costs or paying bills with them. My goal is to somehow save enough for a few months rent to get a place so when I am home or have breaks from caretaking I can focus on my work. If I live alone I know I can turn almost anything into content with the right effort. It can be a while til that happens. But I still believe it can happen soon.
With this blog all I am asking for your support and patience during this treacherous time for me. I feel so alone. I have really only one friend who helps me regularly to help keep me afloat but with how everything is right now, it sometimes isn't enough and that's not something either of us can help. I'm steadily and slowly sinking.
All I can hope for is chemo to help my dad recover and go into remission. There has been talks of me helping him with work if he does go back to work but it won't be much money for me if I do get hired on since I can't provide the physical and experienced labor that is required for the job. I am looking into government programs that pay caregivers but the process is taking so much longer than expected.
As I write this throughout the day I'm also being reminded of the more minor troubles we have to deal with, from car issues to technology breaking to increasing bills and even animal problems. It just seems to get a bit worse, especially with hurricane season starting. Power outages, flooding, fallen branches, and just everything going on. It's been a constant struggle with anything and everything for months. I can't catch a break and all I want to do is get back to work because at least then I was mentally doing better having something I enjoyed to focus on and provide finances for me.
Maybe by the time I update my blog I will have a place of my own to work and relax in, it seems like a far stretch but I know it is possible, I just have to somehow keep pushing and working towards it.
Thank you for taking the time to read this if you did. I love and miss everyone of you so much I can't even begin to explain. My work and fans are my life so without them I feel like I don't even exist anymore.
Kiss kiss meow,
Kitty 💕
