28 Months (Trigger Warning)

It's been 28 months... 28 months since I left. 28 months since I signed that Protection From Abuse request. 28 months since I thought it would all finally stop. I can't tell if 28 months feels like the abuse was just yesterday or if 28 months feels like a long drawn out hell of stalking and harassment.

28 months is nowhere near enough time to heal. To recover from the inferno I once lived in for many many years. 28 months feels like seconds compared to the days and weeks of physical pain during the many healing processes from multiple occasions of abuse.

But then again, 28 months being attacked, doxxed, bullied, stalked, and harassed feels like eternity. The constant nagging feeling that I will never be free from the abuse until one of us is dead. But even then, I believe death would not be enough. He seems like the type to dig up my corpse to call his forever. Or worse, if he died, his spirit will haunt me for the rest of my life.

No matter how long 28 months feels, it can not explain everything I have dealt with during those months. Nightly terrors when I sleep. Every night I survive another fight for my life. Reliving memories I wish I could erase. I can officially say that dying in a dream does not equal death, in fact you can die many times over in a dream. Painfully.

Pharmaceutical relief was short-lived. At first the medication would just "calm" the dreams, make it hard to remember anything about them, it slowed my heart rate enough that when I woke with fright it wasn't always in a puddle of cold sweat, with confusion of where I was with my heart racing. Eventually I started to help less and less.

Then I started a new medication. It still "calms" the dreams, much less violence and fear, but it makes the dreams seem like one of those drug/acid/mushroom trips you see depicted in movies. Kind of like Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. But much more gore, kind of like From Dusk to Dawn or something. And I will remember most details in the strangest ways. Or some details being so realistic I question if it happened or not.

Soon I will arrange an appointment with my doc again to see if there are any other options because having these nightly dream/terror trips are just as exhausting as having the "directors cut" rated MA blood bath B-movies. Hopefully then I can finally get some rest. I once used to love sleep when I was younger, now it's the one thing I dread.

Aside from the dreams... 28 months is nowhere enough time to overcome the fear, the constant urge to hide, the paranoia, flashbacks, triggers, and even the recovery of physical wounds. You would think 28 months could be enough time. It's not. Especially when there are so many countless triggers that send me spiraling back into that trauma space. 28 months might as well be 28 years or 28 days. It doesn't matter.

All that matters is I take those 28 months and continue to keep adding more months of working towards healing. I'll keep trying anything and everything I can to recover from my dark past. The path of finding myself and my strength is long, but it is a path I will continue on for the rest of my life, whether it's 28 days, months, years, or decades. This is my path to follow.

Kiss kiss meow,
Kitty <3

First of the roll, expired 1990's 120 film w/ Mamiya 645 camera
I couldn't edit this image aside from adding the watermark.
The imperfection in this image is enough to make it a perfect shot.

Little Worlds

     For most of my life I was always fascinated with insects, flowers, and so many things on such a small scale like that. I've been experimenting with macro photography. Zoomed in and so close to tiny creatures like that is like looking at a whole new world. There is always so much moving and living around us that sometimes we would never notice if we didn't take the time to look.

    Recently we have been getting out more and taking photos while we are out. One of our favorite trails is a simple 2-ish mile trek. For us it's like opening a door into our own wonderland where we get to spot mysterious plants and living organisms. Yes, we took forever to get through the trail but that was the point. We wanted to go out there and just take our time to see what all we could see. And of course we will soon go back again because the creatures and scenery are always changing as the seasons continue on. 

    Below I will attach some of the images I have captured of this wonderful macro world we roam. First I have to note, I am not using some kind of ultra zoom lens. I am using an 18-55mm lens, sometimes with my macro/wide-angle attachment, but with or without the attachment I have to get so close to the subject, which for us it can actually be easy. Just go slow and patiently. Have patience with the subject and they will stop panicking long enough to sit still while they try to figure out what that big black shiny thing is in their little faces.

    Sometimes you even get to see the personality of the creatures around you in their own little worlds. Sometimes you also notice they too are looking at you in wonder and curiosity. Most of the time it's that understanding you have to share with them, that "Hey, I'm not here to hurt you, you don't have to hurt me. Lets just look at each other." lol I really have no other way to explain it. It's just a shared understanding gained while slowly approaching them. 

    It's nice to just get out, worry about nothing except for if you brought enough charged batteries and water. Leave every other problem behind and just dive into so many little worlds that make you realize no matter how big or small, every life on this planet matters. Life is fleeting, for them and for us. We have to sometimes stop to appreciate what this planet does have to offer us.

^ FYI, THIS IS FIREFLY LARVA!!! 😲 ^

    If you stopped for a moment you might see something you have never seen before. There are over 150,000-160,000+ species of Lepidoptera, butterflies and moths. Over 8000+ species of frogs. 2000+ species of fireflies. More than 6000 species of jumping spiders. And 12,000 species of moss. You could be amazed at what you find, and more importantly learn something. Even if it is useless information. Someone, somewhere finds it useful information. 

    Going on walks or photography adventures can be very therapeutic. You should give it a try. 

Kiss kiss meow,

Kitty <3