Commitment

    Commitment... Something I have tried often, failed even after long periods of it. I never quite knew why. Why is commitment so hard for me? Starting early on I've had commitments including committing to someone who I thought I would live the rest of my life with, only to be cheated on. Committing to school to eventually go to college for many degrees, but breaking my commitment due to unforeseen health issues forcing me to give up entirely at the time. I've tried committing to my first online business, but after barely making any money and a relationship distracting me from it I had to give it up. Other commitments have just ended up being too small to be considered a commitment or from very toxic experiences. 

    How do I feel about commitment now? Well, I definitely don't want to seek it relationship-wise. But commitments aren't just relationships, they can come in many forms. Without reading the definition, what do things do you define as commitment? Most we don't ever really think of, most of the time we just think of it in the relationship aspect. Committing to another person. It is so much more than that.

Definitions of commitment

noun

 the act of binding yourself (intellectually or emotionally) to a course of action
“his long commitment to public service”
synonyms:
allegiance, dedication, loyalty 

(source: Vocabulary.com definition) 

    Commitments can be small and mundane, such as committing to a better sleep schedule. Committing to finish something by a deadline. Committing to eat healthier. What about exercising? That's a common failed commitment. Committing to drinking enough water every day. Getting your hair or nails done (home or salon) every month? That's a commitment! Really, commitments can be all kinds of things. Big or small, for pleasure, or for betterment. Commitment is everywhere. It's just sometimes easier to make some commitments for some people. 

    I know I have struggled with a few commitments in my life. Sleep has been the longest running, even with the help of doctors when I was a little kid I could not keep a proper sleep schedule like all the other kids. Relationship, that's obviously been a struggle, but I'm giving up that struggle, mostly because I already have a few ideal commitments I want to commit to before I try to bring anyone else into my life like that. How can I fully commit to someone if I can't even commit to anything for myself??

    What kind of commitments am I struggling to keep right now? Sleep schedule still of course. But also fitness. I want to commit to working out but I always find ways out of it. I just want to make my body a bit more fit. I am also having a hard time committing to projects. I am always doubting myself so I just give up halfway through. Self-care, that is probably the hardest commitment I am struggling with at this moment.

    Why is self-care such a challenge?? I've been told by my counselor to start spending at least an hour for self-care for myself because of how spread thin I am from my daily life. But half the time I can't even get the motivation to go to my room and start working on self-care. Plus what the hell would I even do? I don't even really know where to start when it comes to self-care. I have some ideas but I am kind of limited right now. Maybe I can somehow make working out, sleeping right, and self-care all one commitment, but I have no clue how. I really don't know where to start. 

    There are so many commitments I want to make with myself to better myself and improve my future, but I keep failing at them. So in all reality how am I in a position to have a commitment to another human being if I can not push myself to even commit to something for myself? If I can't commit to myself, no one should expect me to commit to another person. Commitments with myself are hard, commitments with others just feels impossible when I can't give myself what I need. A commitment to myself to have an amazing life should be easy, right? Why does it have to be so hard? There is so much I want to have a consistent ritual of to better myself but it just feels like it's impossible to commit for longer than a few months. 

    My main issue is I really have zero control of the time in my life, so much outside forces affect how and when things play out, so I barely have any way to set a schedule for myself and my commitments. Plus it feels like all the selfish self-care stuff takes too much time, or costs a lot, or takes a lot of energy. Without being a selfish cunt (pardon my language) it wouldn't be easy for me to set time aside literally for myself. How I was raised, self-care is just selfishness for people who have money.

    Don't get me wrong, I really wish I commit to some things. Better sleep schedule, daily workouts, daily skin/hair/body care, weekly projects, going out for photography more often, staying hydrated, so many things. But for some reason I can't ever fully commit. I keep finding excuses. I blame my time on others, lack of money because I'm wasting time self-caring instead of working, etc. Somewhere in my dysfunctional mind, things just don't work right for commitments. If I had money I would hire people like personal trainers and stuff, maybe then I would commit better. I need a solid experienced helping hand sometimes lol. Maybe if I had someone who was committed to these things that I would love to commit to and were trying to help me commit, maybe then it would work, I don't know, never had anyone who gave a shit about what I want to do or commit to that I know of lol..

    I haven't been able to stick to many commitments. I have been able to keep sticking to my nightly routine of cleaning and wearing my retainers for the past 2 years, but that's about it really. I try to keep up with soothing music while I sleep to help with the nightmares, but some nights it doesn't happen. Even when it comes to my medication I've had some hiccups with it. Whether the medicine was affecting me badly or I went without due to money or the doctor's office not calling it in soon enough. Same with my vitamins, I can't always afford them. There are so many factors disrupting my sleep that I give up on a decent sleeping schedule.  

    Everything is just so complicated. I want to commit but I guess my commitments are elsewhere, nowhere beneficial for me I guess. Maybe this time next year I will have actually kept a commitment to work out some and maybe take care of myself more, I guess. I don't know honestly, it's easier to keep up commitments for others, just not for myself. I am always committing to other routines for people, it seems easier, just never for myself. Maybe this time next year I will read this and still be wishing I could stick to a commitment to help myself. 

    Here is hoping I can figure out some kind of beneficial commitment to help me out. I really do want to make these commitments, but obviously not enough to stick with them when things get rocky. Things will always be rocky. Life is not getting easier for me, far from it. I wish I could find some ease. Maybe one day I will find the right routine to commit to and it will make life easier, but for now it feels like personal commitments are impossible. Until then, I will keep trying to find what sticks.

Kiss kiss meow,
Kitty <3

A letter to my past self

Dear me in 2004, 

        Hi, it's me, well you from 2022. Yes, despite our previous expectations we have survived past 18. No, things did not get easier, far from it, kiddo. But it's not all bad! Yes, you walked through hell many times, but somehow managed to pull yourself out every single time. You saw and experienced so much pain, but you learned how to push through and keep going. You know not all pain lasts forever, and sometimes it's going to hurt like a bitch getting through some of the things we put up with. The suffering was not for nothing. You eventually found refuge in your hardships, somehow managing to convince yourself that you learned something from such agonizing moments in life. Now as you are older you are finding comfort in the tiniest things, that have ALWAYS been there, you just never thought to take the time to look and discover the world around you. This life will one day be what you and I both hoped it to be. Regardless of how you feel about yourself now, one day you will hopefully find you are the best thing to have ever experienced in life.

        You want specifics? I can't tell you everything because it's too late to change the past, but that's a good thing. You wouldn't become this strong amazing woman if you had all the answers and smoothed out the path to your future. Through your trials of life you have learned how to view everything in many dimensions, you accept that people who are being complete jerks or just bad at their job, could be having a bad day or could be hired because you can't discriminate against intelligence or the disables. You learn that just because something is inconveniencing you doesn't mean it's not inconveniencing others, so why treat someone like shit when you don't even know if a tiny fraction could be their fault, And you never know how your actions or treatment towards someone would affect them. You learn that a simple phrase can take someone's life away, that sometimes someone needs that tiny push over the edge. How would you feel if you were rude to someone and you were the reason they went home and killed themselves. You couldn't stand it. It would eat you alive. So prevent it by treating everyone nicely, even if they were rude to you.

        Time... Sometimes it feels like you have a lot of it and other times it feels like a race against the clock. But you have to remember, time is an illusion. Yes, sometimes 5 years doesn't seem far away but sometimes 5 days is just way too soon. If you change what happens (your perspective) sometimes 5 days isn't soon enough and 5 years is too soon. Time is all about how you challenge it. A lot of times there will be enough time during the day for what you want to do but you will often tell yourself you are running out of time. Time is irrelevant, all that matters is the dedication YOU put in. Time will keep ticking, with or without you. So why blame the time for your incompetence. If you had not picked the easy way out and actually pushed yourself instead of constantly doubting yourself, you could have gotten yourself somewhere quicker in life. But instead you let time hold you back because you would rather wait around for someone's approval or appreciation. How can you accept approval or appreciation after waiting all that time when you could have just thrived instead of seeking approval and appreciation.

        Love, it's a ridiculous thing. It's pointless aside from the learning lessons. You will always be a hopeless romantic. You will believe “The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.” (—Eden Ahbez), yet to this day you have not found that unconditional love in return from another human being. You give it away, but you haven't received it YET. (I'll check back in another 10 years) All the relationships you had up until now, sucked! Love is not what you think it is. Love should not hurt. You will love many over the years, give your fragile heart to a few people who refused to handle it with care. For many years you will endure relationships where you are used, cheated on, lied too, abused, and worst of all you will lose pieces of yourself in each relationship. Each relationship will leave you missing the last because they always just seem to keep getting worse and worse. But I will tell you, 2004 me, that you will love, and give your love away, but even now you will reminisce about the relationship you are experiencing in 2004. But you won't ever forget your 2004 love, he was the best after all. Later down the road, your fiance was incredible, such a sweet little love story, but shit happens. You move on, find something acceptable. Miss everything from before while you live in your darker less loving relationships. It's okay to miss something so comforting, something that was the best and never was replaced. Though I have to let you in on a secret, even though your 2004 love of your life makes you happy, works, has their own car plus an apartment, and knows how to put you first, it doesn't mean they wont hurt you, they were just the lesser of all the evils you will face. Even though love is painful, it's still something to share with the world. This world could use all the love it can get.

    Work... I bet if I told you that you could somehow manage to work and bring in enough to pay rent, bills, groceries, auto stuff, squirrel stuff, and other BS someone wants while you struggle with your mental and physical health, you wouldn't believe it? Well guess what, living with a broke lazy MF taught you how to hustle and make sure everything is paid for along with making the man-child happy with whatever bullshit he wanted to that day. Doesn't sound pleasant, but trust me it would make you proud to know just how well you can do in your future. All the more reason why you should start working sooner, if you could. And when you are working hard, don't ever let others take advantage of you. I know you want to help others and make people happy, but there are other ways without making yourself broke or breaking yourself in the process. Remember, if your busted ass can work and provide, then anyone else who "cares" about you, can do the same; work and provide. Don't be the savior, if you want to help, push them to help themselves, not push you to do everything for them.

    Be you. Really. Just be your fucking self. Don't be who everyone else wants you to be. Don't worry about others thinking you are weird. Don't even worry about pissing people off because you want to do or be something. There is no point in living through life having to contain who you are. Be who you are. As a song says "Then I heard the voice of God She said, 'be yourself or don't be anything' ". your essence. Don't bottle it up. And guess what, if no one is happy with who you are, then fuck them, they don't care about you, just who they want you to be. If they can't put up with you no matter what kind of day it is, then you shouldn't put up with them. Like the beautiful Marilyn Monroe says "... If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."... So, that means if someone can't handle you on your shitty days and they want to act like you're the problem, TO HELL WITH THEM. If they can't put the effort in to tolerate you on your bad days, then most likely you won't be good enough for them on your good days, also meaning, why the hell do you want to make yourself believe you deserve them?? Be yourself. Fuck what others think. Put YOU first. Because no one will ever put you first if you don't put yourself first.

    Another thing about being you. People will come around and try to shape you to fit their idealist person. They will try to warp your thoughts or opinion on things. Try to change things you like or don't like. Make you think people are against you. Make you think your gut is wrong. Trust your gut. Trust people, but never to the max. Just learn and understand the red flags. Red flags don't meant 'get the fuck out' they just mean be very careful, approach with caution. Always stick to your core values. Stick to what you feel is right.

    Depression... Pretty much your closest friend. Something you will always know, you know it well in 2004 and you know it well now in 2022. There is no escaping it. It's hard to fix without drug trials (and errors). You're going to deal with it no matter what. It's in your DNA and it was imprinted on you during all the traumatic stuff you witnessed early on in life. But until you can find the right person or people, it is always going to be a battle. There really isn't any way around it. Your chemicals are fucked, your situation is mostly fucked, and the world is fucked all leading you to a brain with fucked up thoughts, but you are not the problem. Good news is, you eventually give up on giving up. No more trying to end your life. Though you will at times believe this is all what you deserve so you should live through it, but most of the time you realize that if you fix your brain then you can find the beauty in everything and won't want to cut that life line. I don't know if this has ever been said but I will say it now, being depressed isn't a fault, it's merely a different perspective. You will learn more about that perspective as you experience. Don't despise it, you did for a little while. Also remember, no one will ever be happy with you if you are never happy with you. You and many other humans project their self-hate making them believe others hate themselves. You have to learn your worth to make sure others value just as high, if not higher.

    You need to take yourself seriously with photography. Take classes if you need to. You know you love it and obsess over it, JUST DO IT and go all the way. Don't doubt yourself, because art is art and no matter what no one person can actually say what is or is not art. Take a bad picture? Turn it into art. You can make anything into art. If you have an idea that you know you can pull off, DO IT! If you have an idea that could work but you're not sure, DOOO ITTT! If you have an idea you want to do but know it wont work out, JUST DO IT! Also one day "Do it!" will be a joke that you will understand, but do it. Invest in more equipment early on and experiment with it before a big project. Stop waiting till the last minute to test out anything new. Even learn how to repair cameras so you can maybe have some of the high end cameras you want. Also next year, valentines of 2005, a new website where you can share your "home videos" will be created and it gets BIG, so make sure to test it out some by making some of the videos you have had ideas for, or at least keep an eye out for videos you can learn from. Another little secret, film and darkroom photography is so much easier than you thought it was!

    Patience... You had good patience for your age, but over time after some tedious BS later in life your patience starts to wear thin. Don't let it. Just keep having patience. Good things really do come to those who wait. Don't give up on yourself in the meantime. Think of it like a video game, during some stages you cant enter until you level up so you have to keep playing stages over and over to build up experience points. Or when you purposely hold yourself back repeating a stage over and over mastering it before you move up to the next stage. I know you know what I mean. "Anekico ler aracnia". But know when the patience should end for some situations. "Ki mi ypomonitikosi teleson semerie".

    Get out there and experience what YOU want to experience. Stop doing what people want to do and never do what you want to do. You end up missing out more on what you want. In a good way you are delighted by some of the simplest, sometimes boring but not really kind of things. Museums, art exhibits, botanical gardens, grand canyon, you name it you can do it.  "Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the grey twilight that knows not victory nor defeat." It's not weird to be alone in places like that. If anyone asks, just give them some mysterious answer. Make it a game to see who believes it or not. You might meet some interesting people that way in places like that.

    One last thing before I wrap this up... Just realize you can be worth a lot to people, and you should only have people around who treat you well. If they treat you wrong, just walk away. It might seem hard or scary but it is easy and possible. Get out before you get used and abused, but never stop trying to find new people in life. Not everyone is a monster. There are many unique people in life that you will befriend. It also works the other way around. I know I don't really have to tell you, but here is a reminder for those really bad days where people in public just suck. If you treat people right, they will treat you right. Not all the time, but even some surprising people could help you out just because you were nice to them. Also, don't lose your patience with some people that you can tell are trying really hard but other things are getting to them making it an inconvenience for everyone, don't add to that stress.

Sincerely with so much love,
You from 2022

(Photo taken by me, prints available at THATKittyMoon.RedBubble.com)