Commitment

    Commitment... Something I have tried often, failed even after long periods of it. I never quite knew why. Why is commitment so hard for me? Starting early on I've had commitments including committing to someone who I thought I would live the rest of my life with, only to be cheated on. Committing to school to eventually go to college for many degrees, but breaking my commitment due to unforeseen health issues forcing me to give up entirely at the time. I've tried committing to my first online business, but after barely making any money and a relationship distracting me from it I had to give it up. Other commitments have just ended up being too small to be considered a commitment or from very toxic experiences. 

    How do I feel about commitment now? Well, I definitely don't want to seek it relationship-wise. But commitments aren't just relationships, they can come in many forms. Without reading the definition, what do things do you define as commitment? Most we don't ever really think of, most of the time we just think of it in the relationship aspect. Committing to another person. It is so much more than that.

Definitions of commitment

noun

 the act of binding yourself (intellectually or emotionally) to a course of action
“his long commitment to public service”
synonyms:
allegiance, dedication, loyalty 

(source: Vocabulary.com definition) 

    Commitments can be small and mundane, such as committing to a better sleep schedule. Committing to finish something by a deadline. Committing to eat healthier. What about exercising? That's a common failed commitment. Committing to drinking enough water every day. Getting your hair or nails done (home or salon) every month? That's a commitment! Really, commitments can be all kinds of things. Big or small, for pleasure, or for betterment. Commitment is everywhere. It's just sometimes easier to make some commitments for some people. 

    I know I have struggled with a few commitments in my life. Sleep has been the longest running, even with the help of doctors when I was a little kid I could not keep a proper sleep schedule like all the other kids. Relationship, that's obviously been a struggle, but I'm giving up that struggle, mostly because I already have a few ideal commitments I want to commit to before I try to bring anyone else into my life like that. How can I fully commit to someone if I can't even commit to anything for myself??

    What kind of commitments am I struggling to keep right now? Sleep schedule still of course. But also fitness. I want to commit to working out but I always find ways out of it. I just want to make my body a bit more fit. I am also having a hard time committing to projects. I am always doubting myself so I just give up halfway through. Self-care, that is probably the hardest commitment I am struggling with at this moment.

    Why is self-care such a challenge?? I've been told by my counselor to start spending at least an hour for self-care for myself because of how spread thin I am from my daily life. But half the time I can't even get the motivation to go to my room and start working on self-care. Plus what the hell would I even do? I don't even really know where to start when it comes to self-care. I have some ideas but I am kind of limited right now. Maybe I can somehow make working out, sleeping right, and self-care all one commitment, but I have no clue how. I really don't know where to start. 

    There are so many commitments I want to make with myself to better myself and improve my future, but I keep failing at them. So in all reality how am I in a position to have a commitment to another human being if I can not push myself to even commit to something for myself? If I can't commit to myself, no one should expect me to commit to another person. Commitments with myself are hard, commitments with others just feels impossible when I can't give myself what I need. A commitment to myself to have an amazing life should be easy, right? Why does it have to be so hard? There is so much I want to have a consistent ritual of to better myself but it just feels like it's impossible to commit for longer than a few months. 

    My main issue is I really have zero control of the time in my life, so much outside forces affect how and when things play out, so I barely have any way to set a schedule for myself and my commitments. Plus it feels like all the selfish self-care stuff takes too much time, or costs a lot, or takes a lot of energy. Without being a selfish cunt (pardon my language) it wouldn't be easy for me to set time aside literally for myself. How I was raised, self-care is just selfishness for people who have money.

    Don't get me wrong, I really wish I commit to some things. Better sleep schedule, daily workouts, daily skin/hair/body care, weekly projects, going out for photography more often, staying hydrated, so many things. But for some reason I can't ever fully commit. I keep finding excuses. I blame my time on others, lack of money because I'm wasting time self-caring instead of working, etc. Somewhere in my dysfunctional mind, things just don't work right for commitments. If I had money I would hire people like personal trainers and stuff, maybe then I would commit better. I need a solid experienced helping hand sometimes lol. Maybe if I had someone who was committed to these things that I would love to commit to and were trying to help me commit, maybe then it would work, I don't know, never had anyone who gave a shit about what I want to do or commit to that I know of lol..

    I haven't been able to stick to many commitments. I have been able to keep sticking to my nightly routine of cleaning and wearing my retainers for the past 2 years, but that's about it really. I try to keep up with soothing music while I sleep to help with the nightmares, but some nights it doesn't happen. Even when it comes to my medication I've had some hiccups with it. Whether the medicine was affecting me badly or I went without due to money or the doctor's office not calling it in soon enough. Same with my vitamins, I can't always afford them. There are so many factors disrupting my sleep that I give up on a decent sleeping schedule.  

    Everything is just so complicated. I want to commit but I guess my commitments are elsewhere, nowhere beneficial for me I guess. Maybe this time next year I will have actually kept a commitment to work out some and maybe take care of myself more, I guess. I don't know honestly, it's easier to keep up commitments for others, just not for myself. I am always committing to other routines for people, it seems easier, just never for myself. Maybe this time next year I will read this and still be wishing I could stick to a commitment to help myself. 

    Here is hoping I can figure out some kind of beneficial commitment to help me out. I really do want to make these commitments, but obviously not enough to stick with them when things get rocky. Things will always be rocky. Life is not getting easier for me, far from it. I wish I could find some ease. Maybe one day I will find the right routine to commit to and it will make life easier, but for now it feels like personal commitments are impossible. Until then, I will keep trying to find what sticks.

Kiss kiss meow,
Kitty <3