Making friends while having CPTSD is torture. I say friends because honestly I'm not ready, interested, or seeking any kind of emotional or physical relationship. I do wish to make friends, meet more people, live a relatively normal life. It's not easy. I actually hate the initial beginnings. My brain is so programmed to be used to specific outcomes that I'm unable to just let things happen. Instead I get caught up in my head.
I go through a range of emotions. At first nerves, of course. Meeting anyone even for a moment unnerves me. Even if I'm just placing an order or talking to a stranger in the store. That common social anxiety is there. For me it has been and will always be there since childhood. Nothing abnormal. But the first phase isn't the issue. Phase one I can easily work past. It's the phases that follow that are the issue.
Phase 2, worry or concern. Usually worried they will think I'm weird or they hate me. Look at just the surface of me, not knowing who I am, just assuming with what little they know or see. Sometimes I feel like people look down on me in shame or even pity. Even when they don't know my past. When they know my past phase 2 feels more intense. Like I'm always being judged. Labeled the stupid weak girl who would let a man treat her like a rag doll, over and over. It's embarrassing, humiliating to listen to my head tell me these things.
Phase 3, more worries and concerns, of course. They just take a different route. Instead of worrying about what they think of me I start to worry about what if they want something from me. Something more than a friendship. I'm an adult, adults like to have sex right? I feel like that's what would be normal, but I don't feel that way. It takes me a lot for casual touching like handshakes and hugs. I would sometimes rather be drenched in acid than to be touched in any way. I just can't do the physical stuff yet. I thought I was ready, but a hook up in spring proved otherwise so I KNOW I am far from ready.
Phase 3.5, it goes a step up than phase 3. Instead of being concerned that everyone wants to screw me, I start to worry if people will fall for me or think they are in love with me. Even those who know everything and accept whatever pace I heal at, I just sometimes start to feel like a couple of people feel entitled to be the person I end up in a relationship with when I'm ready. Even though they know I'm not looking or interested.
Phase 4, fear. My brain, body, and soul start cowering. There is no fight response, just straight up run. It's like all the hair standing up, heart races, paranoia overcomes me in many ways, my chest tightens. Something in me just tells me history will repeat itself. Everyone wants to use me, everyone wants to abuse me. This is all a set up to hurt me. No one cares as long as I benefit them, and if I don't benefit them they chew me up only to spit me out blaming me for it all.
Phase 5, detach. Once I've reached the 5th phase it's like everything shuts down. All emotions get numbed out. I just step back mentally and physically. Emotionally I become cold. All that exists is to play nice and get away. Cut ties, make some distance, let any positivity or negativity dissipate before it reaches me. All I know to do is to protect myself at all cost and usually detaching always takes place.
Phase 6, breakdown. If I've made it to this phase then it must be really serious at that point. Breakdown will be inevitable. All negative emotions from the previous phases hit me like a freight train, all emotions amplified. It's like I'm suffocating in my own skin just wanting everything to stop. Everything feels hopeless, lost, pointless, empty, worthless. I become engulfed in this cloud of darkness. Choking on air, words, tears, and emotions. At that point it feels impossible to continue. All I think about is just laying down and letting the weight crush me.
Then eventually... RESET. I recover, craving to be healed even more. I get back up and put the pieces together. Even if they don't fit I make them, until I feel close to whole again. Once I level back out again everything seems so easy and possible. Little by little I heal and grow stronger.
But, there will always be something that initiates the phases. It's to be expected, completely understandable given the circumstances of my CPTSD and the continuation of the trauma. Years of repeated abuse doesn't just heal up like an average wound. I just hope one day I stop and take a moment to realize it's been ages since I've slipped into any of the phases.
Kiss kiss meow,
Kitty <3
