Small Update Aka Stressed Out

I've been sick again. Getting over it still. Been in and out of the doctor's office this past week, different meds, different tests, its been hell. Despite all that I have been working on new content. (Thank god I look normal on the outside #InvisibleDisease #FuckMyLifeImUsingHashtagsInMyBlogToBeSarcasticKillMeLOL) I'm just not sure if that is slowing my recovery. I have to keep at it. I have to make money.

Money is tight. With my truck having a blow head gasket still, high ass rent prices, storage in my home town, many other bills, and a ton of doctor's expenses. Money has been very tight. And it sucks. It's not helping with my stress that's for sure.

I've been pretty depressed lately. Just because all I can really do is make content to try to make money or lay in bed because of how miserable I physically feel from everything going on with my health. Not to mention bad news from back home. Things aren't going very well with my family. My aunt has been in the hospital and had surgery. That's the most I'm going to say.

I need to make a trip there to see my mom and aunt, and hopefully empty out the storage unit I have there. I'm tired of paying monthly on that unit. They keep raising the prices on me too. I can't afford that unit anymore but I have many valuable belongings in there.

I'm busting my ass making content as it is, but I have been racking my brain trying to figure out how I can make more money a bit faster. I've thought about camming, but really after trying to cam many times in the past I really really really don't want to cam. And I don't know if I have the energy to cam and still make content.

And it's not like I have someone who can help me out. Even the doctor I saw recommended I stay with someone for the time being because of the state of my health. I need to lessen my burdens. Easier said than done. I have extremely high rent because of the city I am in. I refuse to leave. I love it here. I've tried living elsewhere in country. Can't help it once I've returned for the 3rd time. I am more me here. I am happier here.

I am just very very financially stressed. I have no one to help relieve that stress. I barely even have anyone to have a face to face conversation about how I feel. This blog is the best I got. I really have no one. I don't even really have a shoulder to cry on. The people I do know IRL, I don't think they care enough about me to hear me out.

I always get treated pretty shitty when I try to talk about how I feel, emotionally and physically. I'm used to people not caring. I just hate when everyone expects me to care when they don't. People are selfish. I wish I grew up to be selfish. I wish I was more of a bitch. Even recently I had someone, whom I thought was a friend, fuck me over.

You really don't see people's true colors until they are walking all over you...

I have someone else who just keeps trying to kind of pressure me into things I don't really want to do for extra work, but financially I might, because I really need the money. I just feel like if I do what I am pressured to do then I am letting myself down and basically disrespecting myself for going against what I feel is right.  But... Money... I really need it. 

I wish somehow a ton of money fell from the sky so I could just pay my bills and rent for a few months in advance so I can not stress as much and focus more on fun awesome content, not focus on what things can I do to make money... And how much respect for myself will I loose in the process. 

I can't really go to a strip club, I am far from physically capable to do anything like that. I already push myself really freaking hard as it is. Normal jobs are still a no-go simply because my health is too unpredictable so I have never ever held down a job in my life since the health stuff started getting bad when I was 14. I've worked but never lasted.

Here I am on my own during a very tough battle with my health, no transportation, living alone, self-employed, zero help from the government, no way to even go to or from junk yards to do my parts work, and treated like shit by those who said they were their for me or are my friend.

Friends don't treat friends like shit. Friends don't make up stupid ass excuses just to get what they want. Friends return favors. Friends don't abuse friend's trust. Friends don't take friends for granted.

Here I am, a loner. With only the internet to console me. With only people I know on the internet to listen (I mean read) to what I have to say (type) but even then I still withhold so much of the crappy details of my shitty  life.

I am very thankful to have my internet buddies. They do mean a lot to me. They are sweet and caring, not to mention very supportive. They make me feel like I'm a normal girl, even just for a little while. I wouldn't be anywhere without them. I just wish everyone was like that in real life, not just those I know online.

I really wish money was not such an issue... Why is it so hard to live normally when your health is not normal? I guess for now I will just keep at what I am doing now and hope that one day luck will find its way to me.

Kiss kiss meow!