Trigger warning as there are subjects that could trigger many emotions such as talk about stalking, harassment, and abuse.
Please note: I have not, and will not disclose any names. All information given is backed with evidence and witnesses. Nothing has been falsified. This is purely all from my experience.
If you have not read the first two blogs about my experience please do so for more context.Blog #1: Something I need to talk about in order to start healing [GRAPHIC]
Blog #2: How I got away and SOME of the aftermath [Trigger Warning]
Sorry it takes so long to get these blogs out. Honestly it's not easy. I wish I could forget the whole experience all together but it's next to impossible. Daily, I am plagued with memories and anxieties from the abuse of the past few years. If there was a pill to erase memories I would take it. I rather forget everything than to remember it everyday only to try to bottle it up and ignore it.
I wish I could say things are easier since getting my Protection From Abuse Order finalized, but nothing got easier. Since the abuse and break up I have been suffering from a number of things. Ranging from depression to nightmares. I did a poll recently to find out what everyone would like for me to write next, 'Mental Health' won. So here is more detail on what my mental health is like.
Depression... Of course it's common. It's actually something I have struggled with my whole life since before I was a teen. The depression from back then and now feels different. Now it's like a looming darkness telling me there is no way out from the grips of it. It's diminishing my motivation, even when I think of future plans I have or want to have, that darkness just hangs over me. Often I don't feel like doing anything, so I don't do anything. I just sit around doing anything that will numb my mind. I still have my depressive crying moments often, I've just grown to always keep them low key. Why let others know I'm crying when nothing can be done about it anyways?
I try to avoid the dark parts of my mind that tell me cruel things, things like how there is no escape and it will never end until I do. I know it will never go away, my problem will always exist and torment me. Thankfully I still have light in me that pushes me to keep going for hundreds of reasons, so why let one stupid reason drag me to the deepest depths? I won't let it, even if the fight to stay afloat is difficult.
Paranoia... It's understandable to feel paranoid after what I went through and still experience. Who wouldn't? It's just extreme. I've always hated a lot of windows in one room, but now I feel like I hate any windows in a room. Even just one. Especially at night when I can't see outside, you know, but you can see in if you were outside. Since I can't see outside it often makes me wonder if someone is looking in. Not only the windows but everything in general now. I'm always hyper aware of my surroundings now, checking to make sure no one is behind me or following me. I often get up after crawling into bed just to double and triple check the doors to make sure they are locked.
Now I'm planning to replace all my doors and locks with more security type ones, even planning to get a good security system once I have the extra money to spare. Who knew one's safety could be so expensive.
I internally panic when I hear things outside, like cars idling, car doors, people talking, random bumps, etc. And believe me when I say, where I am now has a lot of thumps and bumps, so I feel like I'm on edge. The internal panic even happens when a number I don't know calls me. I honestly just can't trust anything anymore. Everything has been pretty unexpected with him. All I know is he is ALWAYS watching my social media, ALWAYS. So who is to say he won't ever try to make an appearance if he knew exactly where I am? I know how he is when it comes to knowing where someone is. He used to always ride by and look hard to see if our old roommate was at his job. What is the purpose of looking? I don't know, I just know he would always do things like that with other people. What would stop him from doing it with me, nothing, especially with how intense he is about me... Long story, short. Even when I retrieved my belongings from Colorado he was trying to find me. He would go where I had been looking for me. I'll probably talk about that more in the future.
I know he still stalks me. People keep an eye on him for me because they are concerned about what he will do as well. Oftentimes I get screenshots of him talking about me or trying to talk to me.
Screenshot sent to me & convo on Aug 8th about his twitter post from Aug 6th, 2:13am.
I already plan to change my legal name so I can buy land or a house of my own one day because I know he would look me up to find me. I know he knows how to search names on tax/land sites that will actually list property and mailing addresses when you search for someone's name. I've thought about doing it in a family member's name but I know he would even look that up too to try to find me. In this day and age with the internet no one is truly hidden. Once I change my name I plan to finalize my moving plan. Move into a fortress with lots of security and protection. Until then I just have to keep moving around and stay hidden. I honestly don't even want to change my name until I fully pay off the vehicle so that way he won't be able to get the new name. But the amount I still owe on the vehicle makes that feel far off. I still only owe around $37k. At least with paying a head and on time my credit is going up so it will help secure things for myself in the future.
I've often thought about changing my performer name, but Kitty Moon has become too dear to me to change it. I was many names before but Kitty Moon was the best to suit me, so I don't think I could ever change it, and honestly I don't ever want to. I know that's the weak point to my stronghold, because as long as Kitty Moon exists he will always have access to stalk my every move. He even posts things with "Kitty Moon", "Miss Kitty Moon", and "🐱🌙".
Here are some examples.
You can see where his user or display name is "Miss Kitty Moon".
I tried to censor these as best as I could.
(UPDATE, he has read this blog and tries to say the reliable source that sent me these somehow faked them all, Ive examined both the screenshots and the account they came from, they are not fake)
So with that said if you end up following an account with my name but its not me, please let me know. I'll link all of my social media links at the end of this blog, these are the ONLY ones I have. Please make sure you are following me and not this creepy account.
Not to mention all the times he has threatened to kidnap me or all the times he says "See you soon". All I can do is expect him at some point. I know for a fact he will NEVER give up. We were together for almost 8 years and during that time he still stalked his exes from years before me. He may be good at giving up on some stuff all the time but he doesn't give up stalking people. If only he put that much effort into bettering his own life, but it seems like he can't improve himself when all his past victims are succeeding in life, he would rather see them at rock bottom so he can appear better than them. I remember him always talking shit about the changes in his exes lives.
Even indoors I feel watched, like someone is lurking. I half expect my home to be broken into by him kicking in the door or busting a window to get to me. I always check my car before getting in it even though I keep it locked up tight. I carry self defense stuff when I'm by myself. I have things to protect me when I am in my room. I think I have something everywhere for protection as well. How can you trust nothing will happen when you are dealing with an unstable and unpredictable stalker? He might seem nice and cool on the surface to people he collects as friends, but not very deep down is a dark side too him that can easily be uncovered if you cross or displease him even just once.
My paranoia is strong and for good reason too. I just hate it, I hate the feeling that I'm always being watched and stalked like some weak helpless prey. Needless to say my paranoia has caused me to stockpile a ton of evidence of the stalking, harassment, and many other things pertaining to his threats, including his bright idea that he could sue me for anything, but I've got EVERYTHING over the past 8 years covered and saved so no matter what I have something for everything and everyone he would try to use against me to hurt me. I just know screenshots wont help one bit if he were to appear out of nowhere in front of me.
Nightmares... My nightmares actually started the beginning of 2019. I even told him about the nightmares at one point. My nightmares consist of me moving, running, hiding, fighting for my life, etc. They weren't that extreme at first, they used to mostly be flashbacks from the abuse but now every time I sleep I have a nightmare, if I wake up to shake the dream then go back to sleep, I just have another, and another. They don't stop, they won't go away. I hardly sleep now. I hate sleeping now. I used to love sleep but now I just wish I could stay awake 24/7. It's not easy going to sleep knowing you're going to get you ass beat or even dream of being killed. Some dreams are laced with flashbacks, some dreams are me living in a new place with a new life but stalked and hunted. No matter what the dreams are always me running and hiding only to be found and hurt.
Crazier part is, in these nightmares pain will be inflicted and sometimes I'll even wake up with the pain still fresh for a little while. I understand many of the pains are just aches from my abuse like my finger or back acting up. It just makes the memories stay in the forefront of my mind and dreams all that more real. I wish I didn't have to sleep. Seriously, who wants to sleep knowing they will dream of their abuser hurting them over and over again? I've tried everything to prevent the nightmares, but nothing helps. Some medication even makes them stronger and harder to wake from. What little sleep I do get is fitful and never refreshing. Every day I feel like I am growing more and more tired. I think the exhaustion is starting to catch up on me.
Anxiety... Often I feel an anxiety attack coming on but I (thankfully) have a long term experience with panic and anxiety so I know when one is building and I know how to sooth it. If I didn't I think I would be a blubbering mess all the time. Little things trigger it, even if it's not negative. From people pillow fighting to sudden movements near or towards me. My anxiety even spikes with things like, for example, many months ago I was in my room and my mom called out to me saying "Thank you", in my mind I am used to some things like "thank you" being said sarcastically because I somehow screwed up something. I guess I'm not used to positive reinforcement anymore.
I even find myself on edge when someone is noticeably upset but don't state why. In my mind, I feel like I did something wrong or fucked up somewhere. It eats me up inside. I'll rack my brains going over everything I could have possibly done wrong. My mind always repeats over and over "What did I do? How do I fix this? How can I make myself not mess things up?". And oftentimes it's not really anything I have done or didn't do, it just feels like that. I just wish everything could be more straight forward so I don't have to panic in my head over everything.
Socializing... I feel awkward around people. Even with family or friends I have known for so long I feel alienated. Still to this day I feel out of place. I always feel like I will do or say something wrong. I got used to practically being told anything I say has no value. I used to hear that what I said was repetitive, old news, pointless, or stupid. I went so long not having a conversation with sustenance, even when I would find something new and exciting, something I didn't previously know about, but somehow it was repetitive or old news. I often don't feel like talking because I feel like I have nothing of worth to say. I do enjoy the company of others, it gives me some comfort, but after a while I feel out of place and awkward, like "what the hell am I doing here, no one wants me around.", I know it's not really true but it's just how I feel.
I've gotten so used to just being a problem or unwanted that now I'm around people more. It just feels like they are trying to pacify me and I still don't feel good enough. I always expect something to go wrong. I always feel like I'm going to do something wrong. I don't feel like I am enough for anything. As it stands I sometimes just feel like all I am doing is existing, giving no benefits to life, just here, out of place but here.
That's all for now, if I think of anything else I will make a part 2 to this blog specifically.
Kiss kiss meow,
Kitty <3 p="">
LINKS
Twitter.com/_KittyMoon (Main)
Twitter.com/theKittyMoon (exclusive)
Snapchat: MissKittyMoon (pay to access only, so if your accessing it and didn't pay, it is NOT mine)
Instagram.com/MissKittyMoon
MissKittyMoon.ManyVids.com
Pornhub.com/Pornstar/Kitty-Moon
Modelhub.com/Kitty-Moon
APClips.com/MKM
You can find more links on my main twitter.
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